Wednesday, December 29, 2010

R.I.P.

R. I. P. Isabelle Caro - another victim of anorexia.

She did a ton to try to help other people.

So sad.

Year end wrap up.

This year has been a very active one. Some crazy things have happened: losing Dad (although the dementia took him a long time ago, I guess), my stepson's hospitalization, financial worries, a cancer scare with my mother. There are some things to be grateful for also: Dad BEAT dementia! He was set free from the prison of his mind and body slowly failing. I was fortunate enough to have a job change, which was a huge positivity in my life. And hubby and I are closer than ever after weathering so many crisis situations in the past year. I took up knitting, which is like psychotherapy but a lot cheaper and WAY more fun. And of course there was the arrival of my furbaby, love of my life, Madison, who is like my heart walking around outside my body.

So while I am SO SO ready for 2010 to go away, I am trying to remain thankful for the good things that happened too.

My main goals for 2011 are:

- Get in better financial shape. I did a whole lot of stress shopping this year, and it's time to pay off those credit cards and save an emergency fund once and for all. I've already got a good start on this, as I've sold 95% of my "luxury" items (jewelry, bags etc) to pay off some of this debt. Hopefully the tax refund will help with this also. NO BOREDOM/STRESS SHOPPING.

-Be more assertive with setting boundaries with those I love. Being able to say "NO" when I can't do something without guilt. Taking better care of myself.

-Eating better. Been slowly cutting out the junk food, keep on this path. If weight loss happens, then it happens. I just want to feel better and have a good energy level.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Getting in the spirit.

Starting to get in the spirit of the Holiday, which is good because it's only a couple of days away.

I'm knitting my last project that is a gift, and I should finish it tonight. I keep debating whether I want to make spritz cookies this year (it's an annual decision) because almost everyone I know is dieting, including my parents. So no one will really eat them, and I can't eat them all. Maybe I'll make one batch for us, because they are so good.

Missing dad at strange moments - not so much strange, now that I think about it, but random moments. Last night we were watching the Tom Jones Christmas special (an annual tradition now - yay! LOL) and my eyes were leaky at "I'll Be Home For Christmas." I miss him in a visceral way that I didn't really expect. It's been 6 months now, but this pops up occasionally.

Hubby is done with school until Spring - thank God - it seems to have helped his mood a lot. Things with he and I have been really good lately, he's been super helpful around the house and I feel less stressed out as a result. I've had some medical issues going on (still not quite pinpointed) and have been able to do less than I would like. Having help helps my mindset. Still waiting for an appointment (referral supposedly coming) from the rheumatologist, who should hopefully get me an accurate diagnosis.

My mom and stepdad are coming over for Christmas Eve. Last year we went low key and just made a bunch of snacks/appetizers and we enjoyed it so much we are going that route again this year. Christmas Eve is typically the big 'event' more than Christmas Day, as that's when presents are opened (stockings on Christmas Day).

Work is still going great - I am so thankful to have a bit of flexibility in my schedule for when I don't feel good, and a much lower stress level.

I've started knitting a purse/tote, its my first foray into knitting in the round. It took me a few tries to start it, but now I'm cooking on it. I decided it's time for me to branch out and try some new things. I won't let my perfectionistic attitude stop me from trying to knit different things. It's a mental block I've had since I was a kid - I came from two demanding, perfectionistic parents - where 2nd place was losing. I continually work on being more kind to myself and allowing myself to fail with a smile, and keep trying.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Closer...

Things are getting closer to being not so stressful.

Despite several setbacks, Family Court went hubby's way yesterday. The current visitation schedule for the kids biomom (8 hours twice a month) held. Thank you God!!! They played dirty, real dirty, but fortunately the judge saw the truth in it all.

I'm getting closer to an official diagnosis of why the hell I hurt/ache every day of my life. The allergist ran a bunch of bloodwork to rule out Celiac's (my grandma had it) and rheumatoid arthritis (mom has it). He did so, but my internist (primary care) said not so fast on the RA. I have some high inflammation somewhere in my body according to bloodwork, so he is referring me to a rhreumatologist to rule out RA and some other scary things. When that's done, then it's "just" the fibromyalgia. He wants to make sure that there isn't something else masquerading as fibro in there.

Also wants me to do a sleep study, as apparently sleep apnea can cause some of the issues I'm having. He also redid the bloodwork to see how the inflammation looks now vs. last week.

Trying not to freak out with all of these scary disease labels being thrown around, and just chill until all the tests are done, but it's kind of hard. I am not interested in whatever "label" they want to attach, I just want to feel better.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Honored.

Yesterday I received a huge honor.

I have a friend, who I met on the internet a year or so ago, and we've become really close emotionally. She lives in Colorado Springs, and we haven't hung in person yet, but have plans to do so in March in Las Vegas (paaaartay!). One of the things we have in common is our huge love for animals.

She has been kicking around starting a non-profit to help pay for pets medical expenses when their moms/dads can't afford it. In her case, one of her beloved dogs had cancer. She was lucky enough that she had the funds for his treatment, and she's had 2 more years (so far) with her furbaby.

So she is getting ready to file the paperwork for her nonprofit, called "2 More Years" and she did me the honor of asking me if I'd be on her Board of Directors today. I of course accepted, and was honored to do so.

This meant to much to me, her trust in me, and our friendship. And when I felt all teary about it, I also noticed when I was knitting quietly lately, I felt a sense of triumph - the geeky nerd from my youth and the outcast of my teenage angst years was accepted by "the cool kid." (My friend is funny, smart etc. - and happens to be supermodel-level thin and gorgeous...)

Odd feeling, and I guess what I'm saying is I didn't realize how much my self esteem still needs improvement and how important it is for me to feel like I belong somewhere. I guess I still feel like the outsider, when it comes to my insides. Not sure how to fix it, but you can bet I'm going to keep trying.

I went to the doctor yesterday, an allergist/immunologist this time. We are still trying to pinpoint the causes of my constant fatigue and aches and basically daily headaches. Blood was taken to check for Crohn's and for rheumatoid arthiritis. I'm worried something will come back as positive, but almost hoping something will come back as I'm so sick to death of feeling exhausted and sore every day of my life and having no real explanation. When lifting your coffee mug literally hurts and tires you out there is a problem. Fibromyalgia has been thrown around in the past, but there's really no "test" for it other than a list of symptoms. Hell, I don't know. I just want to feel better, and not have them all think I'm a hypochondriac.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Chilly.

There's something about chilly weather that just makes me want to coccoon. I want to crawl in bed with the dog and all my kitties with a cup of hot cider and hibernate.

And of course, knit.

I mentioned about my newfound love for knitting - its quickly turned into an obsession. I am the SCARF ACE (say hello to my needle, friend) and have been whipping through those babies like no one's business. I made a couple of them for Christmas presents, for my grandma and my "Secret Santa" gift, and am pretty damn proud of myself.

Besides the knitting itself, which is cheaper than psychotherapy and about as effective, comes knitting paraphanelia. Shirts that say 'KNIT OR DIE' for example. Which I ordered, and should be here soon. It's like this whole little geeky subculture and I am just in love with. I've joined a site, Ravelry, which is like myspace for crafty people, and am digging it there too.

Things have calmed down on the home front a bit, thank god, no more crisis mode.

Just wanted to drop a note so you all didn't think I was dead or something. LOL

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The Medium visit.

You may have to go out on a limb with me folks, to take this journey.

Two nights ago after work I went and saw a psychic medium. I was compelled to go there, as I was really struggling with grief, and worrying about my Dad, and if he was ok. I guess the repressed Catholic girl in me (was raised Catholic and ran as far and as fast as I could away from that patriarchal belief system) was still a little bit afraid of, well, Hell. My Dad always did his best with me and treated me kindly (when he was there) but he wasn't so kind to a lot of other people, and broke up many marriages in his lifetime. I just felt "stuck" in grief. I miss my Uncle too, and while he was certainly no angel either, I wasn't as worried about him as I was my father for some reason.

So this whole thing started about a month ago as I was staring out my office window at the birds and missing my dad, and thinking about him. I did a google search for psychics in the area, and looked at several webpages and decided on one. Her rate was a bit high, but she has lots of accolades. And I figured, hell I'd pay more than the $130 for an hour if I can let go of this worry and feel ok with Dad having passed on.

I went in to the city and went to the building - it's a very old building, a bit run down in that charming vintage sort of way, and had beautiful old wood floors, and the old style fire escape. I could feel some energy in that space that I definitely wasn't alone. I initially thought maybe I was picking up vibes of a little girl ghost, and I kept getting cold spots. I wasn't freaked out but I totally felt watched. I got there a bit early, as I drove in rush hour, and it was very important that I not be late.

The appointment before mine ended, and I went in and Renee, the psychic, said "Oh! I am so so glad you are here. This finally makes sense now. There is someone here to see you and he has been here since about 3 and he's very impatient and insistent that he talk with you. Earlier I had to tell him to wait his turn because he kept talking in someone else's session."

So totally "cold" with no prompting from me, she starts to describe how this person passed. She describes him as older, and that he was having trouble breathing, couldn't catch his breath, and his head was very foggy. She also says he is very angry about how he was sick and how he died and he has a foul mouth (LOL!). She then picks up that a second person is there also, another man, but he's quite a bit younger, and he passed from an injury to his back or kidneys. She advised me that they were both connected through me and through my mother.

My father, of course, died from pneumonia and had dementia.

My uncle died from Kidney cancer.

So I knew who was there.

I didn't tell her who was there. She sat quietly for a few seconds (it seemed like an eternity) and then she said "Oh honey, it's your pop." And I SWEAR TO GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY the lights flickered, like they would in a power outage. She laughed, and explained that happens when there is a strong personality and they are excited you connected. To say that my father was a strong personality is an understatement.

She then describes my father to a T - she says he was a very tender person inside, and he cared so so much about me, but had a hard time expressing it, and he's so sorry. He's so sorry he left, and it was more than just when he passed, he left another time. (He did - left my mother and I when I was 11.) And that it was PRIDE and LIQUOR that clouded his mind and he wants me to forgive him. Of course I do. He came from a long line of alcoholics and philanderers, he didn't know better.

He then tells me that he's proud of me, and thanks me for taking care of things when he couldn't, which puts me into a complete sobbing mess. And he sends his love, and she confirms HE IS SENDING THE BIRDS. He also takes credit for leading me to the Medium, as he says he was trying to connect with me but I wasn't paying attention or couldn't hear him.

He then communicates that he loves my mother always, and he is also sorry for hurting her. I apologized for not being there when he passed, he says he understands why I couldn't, and that I couldn't help anyway. Hearing that was like a 10,000 lb weight was lifted off of my chest. I guess I didn't realize exactly HOW guilty I was feeling about that.

My uncle then comes through, and is being his gregarious self, and the two of them are apparently having a good time talking and whatnot on the other side. My uncle is confirmed through a number of details the psychic couldn't have possibly known (a deep family secret concerning him) and sends his love, that he considers me his 4th child.

The basic message is that they are both fine, my father's words were "at peace" (which makes me so so happy, as he was restless his whole life) and that they are both in my corner.

My uncle apparently also wants to take a 2 X 4 to hubby's crazy Ex - hahaah. They both chimed in on that situation, and praised me for sticking it out and tell me that I'm the reason that family is ok, basically confirm that I am the glue and the strength there, and they advise me to take regular vacations to save my sanity, and that I need more alone time to be happy. All true, of course.

The psychic then tells me I am an "intuitive" person, but the kids are "sensitives" and when they come back from their mom's house, they bring their mom's toxic energy in the house, and I should pray to my angels, burn sacred wood, and use space clearing spray to keep the toxicity away. Well, I've certainly felt that energy, and so as out there as that little tidbit seems, it also seems to make sense. Just because it seems whacked because I never heard/thought of it doesn't mean it's not valid. So I guess I'm going to start to work on that aspect of it all also.

I've basically been repeating the session over and over again in my head. It's an obsession, but a happy one. I know it was real. There's no way she could have told me the details she did (I didn't list them all here). I went in there with my name and nothing else, and she knew everything about my life, about the recent issues with the boy, about family secrets.

It was basically amazing. I walked out of there, and I could have cried from happiness. The first thing I did was call my mother and tell her the messages from Dad and Uncle, as I know she would see the validity in it all. I wasn't sure how hubby would react, but he's been supportive and sees the truth in what happened also.

So basically, I would recommend to anyone that is struggling with grief, if you've got the financial resources to do it, connecting with a legit medium (I know there are lots of cons out there) could be incredibly helpful to your healing. I know it certainly was for mine. I feel incredibly lucky to have been able to have that last conversation with him.

Renee's website is: http://www.askrenee.com/ for those of you that are interested.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Unplugged.

So I unplugged from the internet for a while. I loved it. LOL

I have been really into minimalism/anti-consumerism stuff lately. I did a major purge of stuff in the house - clothes, candles, "dust collectors", books etc. I had a ridiculous amount of STUFF. Now I have less stuff. I will continue to pare down.

I also took the plunge and decided to just wonder about knitting and start knitting. The results: a week in and a FREAKING LOVE IT. This is huge for me - I have zero artistic/athletic talent whatsoever, and I found something crafty that I can do! I am completely excited, and I seem to have a natural knack for it. I've taken a lot of shit from people (i/e old lady surburban habit) but once hubby figured out that I actually really did love it and it was relaxing for me he shut the hell up. Ha.

We have recently gone through absolute HELL with the stepkids. To make a long story short, and protect everyone's privacy, I will just say that the events all came to a head with a week long's hospital (mental health inpatient) stay for the boy. It has helped immensely, as I feel like perhaps people (and the COURT) will take our concerns seriously and the kids can get the help they need. It did put a huge strain on me personally, as well as of course my husband. Things still aren't being handled quite how I would handle them (there's still a bit of denial on hubby's part, and not wanting to deal with it) but I decided to save my own sanity, and my marriage, that I would step back and let hubby handle it.

I love those kids like they are my own, but they aren't, they are his BLOOD, and he needs to step up. I can help, but I am tired of feeling like I am the constant primary parent, when, well I just am not. Period. Legally they aren't mine, and this sometimes saves my sanity. Knowing that they are my problem because I choose to let them be my problem is sometimes enough for me to be calm about it. I could walk away. And that sounds awful, but making the choice to be here helps me feel less "stuck". I am just the stepparent. I didn't choose to bring them in the world. I didn't contribute to their genes. I just am here to try to help them grow up to be decent human beings. I choose to do this because I love them, and I love their father.

Speaking of what I am sick of, I am sick of feeling like I am drowning in grief. I think about my Dad every day, and try not to because then I get all emotional. You all may think I am insane (and likely you are right - hah) but I have made an appointment to see a Psychic Medium. I have to know that he and Uncle D are ok. I need some sort of closure to move on. I've had the appointment for weeks, and it is tonight. I'm excited as well as a little terrified, and a little skeptical. I feel like I need to apologize for not being able to be in the room with him when he went. I feel like I could have done better. And I need to know that after all he suffered that he's ok.

So yeah, that's what I've been up to.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Dear Maura Kelly,

FUCK YOU.

Note: http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/internet-calls-marie-claire-boycott-blogger-slams-fatties/story?id=11981716

I'm sorry that because I'm a double digit size that I am disgusting to you. I will agree that the show in question was crap, but it wasn't offensive. You want fatties to get a room?? Why, because we can't possibly be sexual creatures? It apparently offends you to see our DISGUSTING BODIES OF FLAB *GASP*. GET OVER YOUR IDIOTIC SELF!!!! What this tells me is that YOU must really hate your OWN body to be concerned with mine!

You, dear Ms. Kelly, of the formerly admitted eating-disordered anorexic variety should KNOW BETTER. Fat hate/skinny hate/color hate/disablity hate whatever-your-flavor hate is poison.

MY FAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. We are not going away! We are SICK and TIRED of being invisible in the mainstream media! It's ok for fat girls to be funny (Roseanne, Mo'nique), it's more likely to see a fat guy being funny(Belushi, Goodman, Farley, et al). But any ounce of respect or sexuality shown on TV? GASP! Offensive!?!? OFFENSIVE MY BIG FAT ASS!!!!!!

I'm proud that I don't subscribe to any of the so called beauty mags, including Marie Claire. Shame on you for standing by this hatred.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Good news - I'll take it!

Went with mom to her appointment today - they took a whole bunch more films. She has calcifications, that typically aren't cancerous. The radiologist gave her a choice: biopsy the spots or take a wait and see approach and re-test in 6 months. She opted for the latter, and will biopsy if anything has changed.

Sweet relief!!!

Now, maybe my migraine will quit (this is day 2)...

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Drowning

Those of you that might know my mom in real life, please keep the following confidential, as she wants to keep this quiet, and I want to respect her right to privacy. Since I don't think any of her IRL friends or any of my family read my blog I am assuming this is a safe space for me to post how I'm feeling.

My mom got a bad mammogram. Here's the details that I know so far: she went in early last week for the mammo. During the mammo, the tech asked to take an additional photo of her right breast. My mom at the time thought this was odd, and asked me if I thought this was reason for concern when we had dinner that night.

Friday she got the call that they found something. They told her to come in ASAP to meet with a radiologist and have further films taken and be evaluated further.

Her appointment is at 2pm tomorrow, I am taking her. Taking her because she needs moral support, and taking her so I can be the one to pay attention to what the doctors are saying and take notes, as she will be too nervous to really listen.

Initially I had a real good feeling about this - a "oh, she will be fine" feeling. Then my brain started working overtime and I started to panic a little bit, and last night sleep was elusive.

I will, 100% offically lose my SHIT is my mom has cancer. Cancer took my beloved Uncle last year, I "buried" (ok, scattered) my father in June. This news has completely opened the floodgates of grief about both events for me and frankly, I'm a effing mess. It's like it started ALLLL over again, and this is a bunch of BS.

Held it together at work today. Dave is in school tonight, so I am having to hold it together for the kids tonight, but barely hanging on. Ordered pizza so I don't have to cook. Total migraine happening.

We have had major, MAJOR problems with our son too (Friday he "upped the ante" at school and threatened to kill himself, which of course freaked out his teachers and school counselor and all hell broke loose - they didn't understand this is his attention seeking behavior - he admitted he said it and didn't mean it but wanted to "come home" that day), and I am just DONE. D. O. N. E. Stick a fork in me, emotionally.

Ironic, that about a year ago my job was the worst thing in my life, and now it's basically the best. Boss is in town, and important stuff going on, so holding it together there too, but I am completely wiped out.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Thanks, Dad.

This morning when I was in the shower I was feeling really lonely and disconnected. I was thinking about my Uncle, and thinking about my Dad, and missing them both, and wondering why I hadn't seen any birds lately.

I said a mental prayer for Dad to let me know he was ok and send me some birds, because I needed it.

Just a few minutes ago about 6 crows chased each other in a circle a few times around the tree right outside my office window. Impossible to miss.

Go ahead and think I'm crazy, but I know it was him.

Thanks, Dad.

Melttttdown

So about twice a year the stress gets to me and I completely meltdown. Welcome to last night! LOL

I came to a decision though - I am done trying to solve the crazy Ex problem. It's not mine to solve, and it will take me down with it if I let it. So, I can support my husband and not be involved. Because if I don't be a step away from it I won't be able to help with the aftermath (fucked up kids). That's the theory. Shoutout to my friend Deirdra who was my email shrink yesterday as I was mentally flailing about about this. Love you dude.

I always feel better when I'm done though. My eyes are all swelled up but so far no one noticed at work, so that's a good thing.

I am expecting a new bag today, and that always makes my day fantastic. I sold my Chanel Cambon tote and used some of the proceeds towards the vintage caviar tote coming today. I hope it's as fantastic as photos indicated. It should curb the lust for a while.

My cousin Erin is coming to town today for the weekend. She is hilarious. She is like a younger version of my mom, minus that whole annoying "depend on me to solve her problems" part. So I am looking forward to laughter this weekend.

Also we are planning on going to the Farm to get pumpkins and stuff this weekend with some of our favorite friends. So that should be fun too.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Another day, another boring blog post.

Lately I've been feeling frustrated in general. My husband's ex-wife is crazy (literally, as in been in the mental ward multiple times in the past few years, on and off her meds) for those of you not in the know, and there is supposed to be a trial next month about their kids. We had a social worker/guardian ad litem do a home study and say that she (biomom) shouldn't have visitation overnight for a number of reasons. Current visitation is 8 hours twice a month, which should not be enough for this woman to screw up her kids but unfortunately it is. There are several very serious reasons why this can't happen, but in the interest of my kids' privacy I'm not going to blog them. Suffice to say, it was bad, real bad.

This has been going on for 5 years, and if we added up the legal bills I am sure the number would be astronomical. Our attorney advised we needed to pay $2000 for his entire day to have him go with us to trial. We obviously, between not receiving ANY child support from the idiot biomom and raising up two kids, don't have a spare $2K just sitting around. So I don't know what's going to happen.

There has to be some other way to deal with this situation, and not just let biomom WIN (her mother, her chief enabler, pays for her legal bills and is the main problem in this situation). Not being able to control/fix this situation (because I do realize that my insatiable need to fix things and take care of things/people is in fact my need for control) is the most frustrating thing I can think of.

The ball is in my husband's court, so to speak, and I struggle with wanting to grab the ball and pitch it myself, when I know it's important that I let him advocate for his children without my interference. Even if I think I could fight the fight better.

The amount of stress this woman puts on our household is astronomical - 99% of every argument hubby and I have ever had has something to do with her. 99% of all money woes ever are directly related to her. She doesn't deserve this amount of control over our lives, and I am not sure how to disconnect from the situation any more to save my sanity without literally sacrificing my stepkids in the process. And I don't see them as my stepkids, I see them as my KIDS, and the feeling is very mutual - they picked me before Dave picked me.

Mostly I just feel powerless. And really worried for them. Our son is really struggling with middle school (first year) like I knew he would, and the kid is clinically depressed. Doctor visits, and counseling visits, and punishments, and meds, and hugs, and long talks, nothing seems to reach the kid right now. And it breaks my heart because it's like looking into a mirror when I was 11 and seeing my face, my face as I just wanted the earth to open up and swallow me. I'm not going to give up on him EVER but I just don't know how to fix this. And I am the girl that knows how to fix everything.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Wow...

So there's a blog that I read that I found through the Huffington Post called Channeling Erik. It's written by a mom who lost her son Erik, to suicide, and she says that she is communicating with him from the other side, mostly with the help of mediums. For what it's worth, I believe her.

Part of this blog is writers write in and ask Erik for information about their family who has passed, or their spirit guides or that sort of thing.

There was a post there that just kicked me upside the head - a reader had asked if her sister, with early onset dementia, knew what was happening to her, and why it was happening:

"Me: Okay. Is this her destiny to have this problem?
Erik: Yes, to be humble enough to ask for help."

WOW. So this hit me like a ton of bricks, and for the first time I feel like I might understand why God would put someone through this, someone like my Dad. Who was not humble in the least.

The blog is here:

http://www.channelingerik.com/ask-erik-cheryls-questions/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+ChannelingErik+%28Channeling+Erik%29

Monday, September 27, 2010

Coco Chanel.


Those of you that know me outside of internetland (and many of you that only know me in that manner) know that I am absolutely obsessed with Chanel, Coco Chanel and vintage Chanel in particular.

The other day someone asked me, 'Why?' It's just a cute bag. Well, yes, the 2.55 Quilted Handbag is an amazingly beautiful piece of wearable art. But it's got so much history behind it. And the bag represents the Chanel history, which always makes me feel like a million bucks. And here, briefly, is why.

Gabrielle Chanel was born in August 1883, she had 5 siblings and her mother died when she was 12 and her father left the family. Gabrielle was sent to an orphanage, where she initially learned to sew. The nuns at the orphanage had long chains that held their keys, and she was fascinated by these chains. These chains are the inspiration for the chain handle on the famous 2.55 handbag.

When she turned 18 and left the orphanage, she decided to become a cabernet singer. It was here that she obtained the nickname "Coco", a shortened version of "Coquette." Coco then began a series of love affairs as a mistress to several men - the most important being Arthur "Boy" Capel. She was not fond of the huge hats that women were wearing, so she began to invent smaller boater hats, and they became popular in France as a show of women's liberation.

In 1910 Coco opened her first shop, financed by Capel. Soon she began designing clothing that was much different than the clothing of the time. She created loose, casual clothes out of soft jersey that up until this point was only used for men's underwear. She shunned corsets (which was scandalous at the time) and modeled her designs after menswear. Because of Coco Chanel we have:

  • Pants for women as acceptable attire - yep, hard to believe this didn't exist before Coco, but they didn't.
  • Pajamas for women (as opposed to nightgowns).
  • Swimming suits for women (they were very modest, but she was the first!) It was SCANDALOUS for women to be seen in the water at the beach.
  • Bell bottoms (she was vacationing in Venice and having trouble getting in and out of gondolas - these pants were her solution).
  • Chanel No. 5 - the first perfume to use synthetic ingredients, and the first designer fragrance.
  • The famous Chanel "box" suit - weighted with chains to hang just right.
  • That amazing 2.55 flap bag - the first handbag to be able to be carried on the shoulder. It has a secret pocket for storing love letters, the quilting has roots in stable boys clothing, and she insisted on having the lining of the bag be as beautiful as the outside. The bag was released in February 1955, hence the name 2.55. Coco's original design still exists, as well as several variations designed by Chanel's Karl Lagerfeld.
  • Sun tanning - she was the first to be tan on purpose. Previously it was seen as a sign of poverty, as pale skin was a sign of not having to work outside.
  • Jackie Kennedy's iconic pink suit worn on the day that JFK was assassinated? Chanel.
Arthur Capel was said to be the love of her life, and he died tragically in an auto accident, and Coco was devastated. She had several more passionate long standing affairs in her lifetime, but she never married. She never had children. She survived WWII (having been shunned for an affair with a Nazi officer) and rebuilt her business in the 1960's. She was never apologetic over her money, affairs, lifestyle choices. I may not agree with everything she did, but she was authentic to herself. She was a perfectionist when it came to her empire and she worked hard up until the day she died at age 87. She was a feminist while remaining feminine and unique. She came from nothing and created everything.

She lived her life on her terms and has a legacy that stands through today. And that, my friends, is why Coco Chanel is one of my heroes.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

August.

August is almost over, hard to believe.

I love, love, LOVE my new job. And I am damn good at it. I've gotten kudos from my boss on several things I've done, and everyone in my department is so supportive and welcoming. I feel like I've been let out of a cage. I'm planning on kicking butt at bonus time, and using that $$ to get myself something completely awesome and extravagant as a celebration of my success. I am greatly enjoying the interaction with people on the phone, and the privacy of my own office. Aside from the getting up part (hahah) I love coming to work.

I'm exhausted all the time, as besides my current duties, I am helping my replacement get up to speed in my past Hell job. There just aren't enough hours in the day for me to get all done. She's very overwhelmed, and I'm trying to reassure her it will get better. Even though psychoboss isn't her immediate boss, she's having to take direction from her and work with her, and it's frustrating her already. I am trying my best to tell her it will get better, but the secret part of me almost wants her to bail, as then I'll just be that more validated that I stuck it out for two frigging years. That's kind of petty though. Although I do very much feel that they took me for granted, and wonder if things will get to the level that they were when I left. I don't think they have a clue how much I actually did.

I've been feeling ok in general. It dawned on me that next month is my birthday, and my dad's birthday is 3 days before it. We generally tried to celebrate together, especially in the last few years when we were physically together. I am imagining that it will be tough. Very tough. I'm hoping for distraction.

I'm to the point now where I can see photos of him and it doesn't make me sad, it makes me smile, just a twinge of hurt inside that photographs and memories are what's left. I still think about him every day, multiple times, and sometimes I swear I can "feel" him. That makes me joyous, and tear up at the same time. I worry about losing the connection. I lost him once when I was a kid, once when he passed, and I'm holding on tight to whatever I have left.

Madison is growing like crazy. It makes me happy, as our good care of our furbaby has resulted in that, but part of me wishes she was a baby forever. I am so attached to that little girl. I am attached to ALL of my furbabies, but the timing of her has really bonded me to her on a different level. She is an amazingly funny little cat.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Ups and Downs

I don't have anything important to say, but I'm in the mood to write a little bit.

I'm still having good days and bad days. At least the nightmares have stopped.

Right after dad died I kept dreaming he needed help and I kept failing him. One dream involved robbers breaking into his home and throwing him to the floor violently, and I wasn't able to catch his head before it cracked on the ground and he bled on me. Awful stuff. So none of those for a couple of weeks is a very good thing.

I just feel really isolated, and frustrated, almost angry. Angry with everything. I'm not a patient person by nature, and this life I've led has been one massive exercise in patience. I believe that is my purpose here, to learn patience. Taking care of a man who was slowly deteriorating, and who frankly was a pain in the ass when he was well, was the crowning jewel. Well, that and stepparenthood.

I've been reading a lot. Reading and playing with the kitten are my biggest two escapes. I feel lonely a lot, even when there's tons of people around. I want to be alone and I don't want to be alone at the same time. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

There has been no crying lately. Just quiet. I don't feel like talking much. I just am trying to "be".

I have still been corresponding with my dad's cousin. He and my dad were close growing up, like brothers (Dad was also an only child). I kept him in the loop of his illness and we email frequently. I've never met the man, but he has the same kind of dry wit that my dad had, so it's like that little piece is left. He and I were the only family dad had at the end. (And yes, that was his own fault.) So we are the last two people standing, so to speak, and I think that's why we have connected like we have. There's over 40 years between us, yet we connect.

I did get a new job. New job, same corporation. I'm relieved beyond belief, as my immediate boss is totally psycho. Condescending, hard to communicate with, moody, always unhappy. It's like a black cloud over you. It got to the point where I dreaded meetings with her, and felt myself getting ready to blow up. I was ready to quit some time ago, but she got breast cancer. I didn't feel right leaving my department high and dry when she was sick, so I stuck it out. Then this other internal position opened, so it was obviously meant to be. It's more of a sales oriented job, so it will be very different from the behind the scenes marketing I've been doing for the past 2 years. There will be travel at times, which I am looking forward to. An office with a window, quarterly bonuses, all those little perks. I should be more excited than I am, but few things excite me right now.

I also did recommit to a 100% vegetarian diet. I have lost 6 pounds in under two weeks, and aside from the weight loss (which is so needed - ugh) I feel "right" again. I feel much more in balance. I always ate meat sparingly, but this feels better. This feels like me again.

I was loosely compiling essays etc into a book called "My Father's Daughter." Now stupid Gwenyth Paltrow (ok, she's not stupid, I'm just bitter haha) has come out with a book called that. I'd been calling the "project" that for so long that now I haven't the foggiest how to continue. I initially started it because I was a single 20-something caring for a parent with Dementia. I had to figure it all out on my own - none of my friends had gone through it as their parents weren't so much older then they. I wished I would have known someone to bounce ideas off of.

Which reminds me of another thing - I have volunteered to start a Lewy Body Dementia support group. I haven't finished the paperwork yet (been lazy and no energy) but it would be a once a month commitment. I think this may be a way that I can honor my father and help people out. God knows I went through just about the entire spectrum of dementia with him, everything from misdiagnosis to the VA Health System, to researching all the meds, Medicaid, Medicare etc. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. So maybe I can help someone not feel as isolated as I did throughout the process. I just need to suck it up and commit already.

Monday, July 12, 2010

I am in love.


Meet Maddie.
Under 2 lbs of fuzzy cuteness. Cuddling her, playing with her, even getting up and making her food in the middle of the night (she has to be fed every 4 hours right now, because she's so teeny) makes my heart feel like it's going to burst.
I am sure it's a different experience to those who have actually experienced it, but this is what I imagine having a baby is like. I imagine this as I will never have the opportunity to have a human baby, which bothers me more some days than other days... but the pure, heavy, unconditional love that I feel for this little girl when she crawls into the crook of my neck and falls asleep or even when she smears poop all over the floor in valiant attempts at the litter box just makes me feel AMAZING.
I L O V E her. HARD. So hard. Already. (It's been 2 days with her).
She is exactly what I needed right now. EXACTLY. Things have not been good for me. In me, whatever. She helps.
She helps me remember what it's like to feel happy, to feel like I have purpose, to feel love, why life is worth it, even the yucky parts, like saying goodbye to those that have passed. It's all worth it, because little miracles like Maddie are out there, just waiting for me to discover them.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Beautiful.

Last Saturday David and I went out to Rockaway Beach to give dad a burial at sea.

On the way down we saw 6 hawks (Dad always pointed out Hawks when we were in the car - sometimes after hours of silence - lol, thank you "vacation dad") and tons of other various birds.

The weather was perfect. The beach was uncrowded. The sunset was... well... you see. :) Beautiful.

Dave and I went out on the beach at low tide, dug a trench, scooped Dad in and watched him go out to sea with the waves when the tide came in. We collected various beach rocks for our (in progress) Zen Garden and we found one perfect, beautiful cockle shell.

We then went out to dinner, and I had Prime Rib - his favorite dish. I couldn't order it rare like he did though.

I slept like a rock. And have slept better since.

I haven't had a crying spell since Dad went out to sea. I understand, for the first time, why funerals or similar ceremonies exist - for closure.

Of course I still miss him. But at that beach, I felt it - it's all good. He's ok. For the first time in a long time.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

One Week.

I've managed one week on this planet without my daddy.

This week has been a very strange one.

I don't really know what I expected. Because he was so sick for so long with that cruel disease, I thought I'd come to terms with his passing. But really, nothing can prepare you for the flood of feelings that losing a parent brings. Mostly, I just feel OLD.

I cried when I received the phone call. I cried because I was happy for him to be free, and I cried because it was sad that he was gone.

I had the thought that the past 5 years of my life, I worried about him every day. Advocated for him. Fought the VA for him. Paid his bills for him. Took him to neurology appointments, and eye doctor appointments, and the emergency room, and ten different stores looking for just the right kind of socks and underwear (which of course didn't exist, according to my dad). And now... there's a few more phone calls, a final goodbye at the Coast when his ashes are scattered to the sea, and then... that's it.

That's all.

And it's so weird to think about.

I still am thinking about him constantly. I have to force myself NOT to think about him constantly, because after about 4 minutes of that the tears come. Hummingbirds keep showing up. 15 minutes after he passed the first one showed up. One came up to the window when we were eating at a restaurant on Monday. We always birdwatched together. He bought me a bird guide. We took photos of bald eagles on the Mississippi river. And I really feel in my heart that my dad is still giving me birds to watch.

I took three days off work after he passed. Friday I allowed myself to really wallow, didn't get up and out of bed until Dave came home for lunch. Showered at 4pm. I allowed myself to stew, and worry, and feel sad, and stare at the ceiling, and sleep occasionally (sleep is still a problem).

Saturday I forced myself to get through the day. I got up by 9. I didn't cry until 11:57pm that night (I looked at the clock, disappointed I didn't quite make it a whole day without crying).

It comes in waves now. I'm exhausted - not quite as exhausted as I was during the "vigil", but close. My appetite is back (darnit! lol). Concentration is a problem. Not just with work, with simple things like following conversations, trying to read a book. I'm in a fog.

I am holding it together on the outside but inside I'm still screaming about my daddy.

I guess that's why they call it grieving.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Free at last.

My daddy fought hard, and was able to go Home today about 15 minutes ago.

If you'd like to honor him, I'd love for donations to go to the Lewy Body Dementia Association so we can find a cure for this awful disease. http://www.lbda.org/

Goodbye, dad. Love you.

Saturday, June 12, 2010


Dad is making his last stand.
He's not expected to make it through the night.
I went to say goodbye today, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
His skin was yellow, clammy, his lips and hair dry. Breathing very labored. If he wasn't sort of breathing I would have guessed he passed already.
I told him it was ok to go, that he was a good daddy, and I loved him, and I'd see him later. That sort of thing. I wanted to run out of the room screaming, and wanted to crawl into bed with him at the same time and hold him. Such a weird feeling. In the end I only stayed about 10 minutes. Got through it because of Dave.
I am ready for him to go. I alternate between feeling relief that his suffering is over, and wanting to wail at the top of my lungs.
I am glad that he's not afraid. That was my biggest fear. When he nearly died from colon cancer, my dad the "athiest" asked for a priest to pray with him and give him last rights. I'm not a priest, but I prayed for him today.
This is a very strange vigil. I just am waiting for the news. I feel so weird right now. Can't even describe.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Sleep.

So I hurt my ankle (again) like two weeks ago. Dave accidentally ran a Costco cart into my left heel and it was all jacked. After 1 1/2 weeks of pain and the external bruising fading but it still hurting, I went to the doc. She gave me Vicodin (WOO!) took X-rays (it's not broken) and told me if it wasn't better in another week to call her and she'd refer me to a podiatrist, who would likely give me steroid injections and possibly a heel insole for my shoe or whatever.

I went out to Dante's last Saturday and was in massive pain after that, then started to feel better. It was do-able, and obviously starting to heal. Then yesterday I swung around in the computer chair and knocked it, hard, on the chair. And today it hurt so bad I wanted to cry again.

I forced myself to get out of bed at 11ish (when the kids were due to leave with their mom - she was late) and Dave and I went to IHOP for brunch. I felt so rotten I came home to rest (at like 1:30) and passed out until 5. Slept hard enough that I was dreaming. Dreamed about my dad, we were at his old house in Florida looking at photo albums.

I woke up feeling better, foot was just achy when I was resting it instead of the constant pounding of the morning. Obviously sleep was what I needed.

I've been insomniac for a long time. It's progressively gotten worse - for a while it was just me not being able to fall asleep, and staring at the ceiling until 2am or so. Now, it's I fall asleep, and I wake up in the middle of the night (usually to let the dog out) and I have trouble falling asleep again. Sigh.

One thing about my foot hurting - today I really felt the need to get out and WALK somewhere, as we had great weather, and I couldn't. Maybe that will help motivate me to exercise after I'm healed and I don't want to.

Decided this weekend is my last hurrah with junk food. Stopped at Krispy Kreme, am going to eat donuts until I am sick of them. I will buy no junk at the grocery store tomorrow. I've had it.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Funk.

I'm really in a funk today. I went to the doctor the other day because my foot was hurt and not getting better. I got on the scale.

Yet another new high. I feel like a total failure.

My first instinct was to buy a new bag - new bag = fat girl crack. I may be fat and hideous but I have a GREAT bag. I resisted (thankfully) but I hate this stupid WANTING and I know it's completely tied to self esteem. I just can't seem to get motivated. Every additional pound makes me just that much more unmotivated to do anything.

I just want to crawl in my bed and hide forever. I don't know how I got so low again.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

It's been a while.

My life has been very hectic. It's one of those kind of hectics that is boring to report, so therefore I haven't reported. I don't like to just bitch-blog anyway. I've been doing a lot of reading. My work still sucks, but it is slightly less sucky than it was a couple of weeks ago.

I had some major stress - I heard about a job at the non-profit I talked to a couple of years ago. They wanted to interview me. I declined. My immediate boss is fighting breast cancer, and I just can't think about bailing right now. I got a feeling in my gut that said I should pass, and so I did (this situation with my boss was one of the reasons I passed, there were a few more). I'm trying to remain positive where I am and not think about wanting to leave when thing get sucky. A lot of the time I feel frustrated because I get mixed messages from said boss (but I mean, she's not herself due to illness - what am I supposed to do, complain about it?) and spend more time redoing stuff than doing stuff. Plus there was major cold sickness in our house, and I missed quite a bit of work as I was getting over it as was the girl.

The next exciting thing coming up is on Saturday Dave and I are going to see Cash'd Out at Dante's - a Johnny Cash tribute band. I'm so excited about this, I can't wait. I hope to go to somewhere cool for dinner first.

I'm jonesing for a new bag BAD. I'm torn whether I want a Balenciaga Day or if I want a Mulberry Bayswater. They are total opposites, really - one soft and squishy, one very structured. I love them both hard. I wish I could obsess over something cheaper. Like barrettes. LMAO

Been paying off a lot of credit card debt. Won't spring for a new bag until this is all paid off, as that would be completely moronic. Been buying lots of books though, which is where all my fun money has been going.

Dad is still alive. He still has pneumonia. I went to see him on Sunday and it about did me in. Came home and bawled to Dave. I don't find meaning in this situation only more, only heartache. I don't feel guilt about praying for him to pass anymore.

I read an amazing book called "Women, Food, and God." OMG this woman so gets it. I cried reading a lot of it, reading some of my deepest, darkest secret thoughts about body image on someone else's pages. I really felt good (i/e the War is Over) for a couple of weeks, then promptly jumped back into junk food and self-hatred.

I plan on reading it again. And again. However many times it takes for me to let go and get this right. I've hated my body, and therefore myself, for the majority of my life. It takes so much energy, wasted energy. I am tired of it. Literally exhausted from it. Enough.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Life is good.

Been doing an evaluation of things. Have been cleaning out baggage (physical and emotional). Sold my beloved Chanel bags to pay off some debt we accrued - it was actually really freeing.

Been conciously eating better too. No real weight loss yet, as I haven't been completely hardcore, but about 80% better, and 100% conscious of everything I eat.

My niece is coming over to babysit tonight so we can go see MUSE!!! Excited. Now only Kings of Leon are on my "MUST SEE" list currently.

Didn't want her to feel left out on Easter, so I got her an Easter pressie too - a Coach wristlet. I bought her her first Juicy and first Chanel, so the tradition continues. :) I like having someone to spoil. She deserves it.

My Belushi/Blues Brothers obsession is full boar right now - been listening to them this afternoon.

Our anniversary was a couple of days ago. Dave sent me some beautiful flowers to work, which was awesome. A coworker remarked that she couldn't believe we'd been married only two years, as we seem so comfortable together - I told her we were together 5 now, so that's probably why. That and we've been through so much crap since we got together - his psycho ex, financial issues, my dad stress, surgeries, etc etc that is something was going to torpedo us it would have already happened.

It is so amazingly awesome to have a spouse that I not only adore more than anything, is my best friend, but I trust 100%. I had an ex-husband that I couldn't trust at all, and it devastated me when his web of lies came crashing down. I have a 0% chance of this happening to me again, and it's such a great, secure feeling. We genuinely LIKE and respect each other not only as partners but as people, and having infidelity would be impossible as a result. It hasn't always been wine and roses, but it's real, and I know in my heart he's my forever love.

<3

Thursday, March 25, 2010

And so it goes.

Well, a couple of really good things have happened - Dad is approved for Medicaid. :) Huge stress relief there. What a nightmare going through the process.

Had a normal pap, so I'm back to YEARLY EXAMS!! Woo!

This morning Dave got a call from the daycare. It seems our son has been suspended from daycare for the rest of the week, as a result of saying something highly inappropriate about rape to another (male) child.

My first hope is that J honestly doesn't know what this means. I guarantee he will know how vile, hurtful, and awful this is when I am done with him tonight.

My next thought is, where in the HELL did he hear this??? My first inclination is to think that it was at his biomom's house, as he's come back spouting several inappropriate things. Could be school too.

I hope I can adequately explain the horror of sexual assault to him, and instill some feminist values in him too. No kid of mine is going to be talking such horror. We are stunned, and have no idea how to punish him for this.

The timing is horrible, as we are set to leave for a Spring Break vacation tomorrow for a long weekend.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Back to basics.

I finally, finally bottomed out on junk food.

When I went to the doc the other day the scale was really, really ugly - as in a number I had NEVER seen.

Went to Trader Joes and bought a bunch of healthy stuff.

As soon as my gym is unburied in the garage I'm hitting it.

I'm done feeling tired and worn out all the time.

And so it begins.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Adventures at the Doc.

My whole life my girl parts have been jacked. I got boobs at 11, but no period until 16. When it showed up I was in bed for a week. I have had every medical test done known to man, ruled out every bizarro condition dealing with ovaries and thyroid, and the diagnosis is PolyCystic Ovary Syndrome, or PCOS. Basically, instead of dropping an egg, I make a half assed egg and it hangs out on my ovary with all the other half assed eggs, and they turn into cysts, and my ovaries look like big chunks of cauliflower.

In 2007 I had a scare, as I was "this close" to having Cervical Cancer. There are 4 levels of pre-cancer, and I jumped from level 2 to Level 4 red alert in a month. So I had surgery.

Basically my complete repro system is jacked.

Anyway, I've been begging/joking about a hysterectomy for years. Today my doctor (after slicing and dicing me again) finally took me seriously and we had a discussion.

She told me she understood my decades of hell and would have no problem taking out my uterus. WHAAA? I started to do the happy dance, but she reminded me I would have to keep my ovaries. She said I need to keep them for at least 10 years. Because while they are partially broken (I make basically NO progesterone, and have probably never ovulated in my life) they make plenty of estrogen. The current hormones I am on are a low dose compared to the high dose I'd have to take if she yanked my ovaries.

So losing my uterus would be no periods, but I'd still have to deal with the hot flashes, extra hair, moodswings and other fun that PCOS come with, and still would have to take hormones. So it would only partially solve my problem.

If she took my cervix too, then there would be potential other problems. (Worth the risk if my cervix has gone bad again).

I have decided if I get bad pap results again, I want to have the hysterectomy (including cervix) because I'm not going to play this cancer game anymore. If the results come back normal again, then we came up with a plan where I can continually take hormones and not have periods for as long as I want.

If any of my readers have had a partial hysterectomy, I'd love to hear from you, as I felt like I won the golden ticket and then just had a hugeass disclaimer. LOL

Can't do it now, as one of my boss' is battling cancer, so it would have to be after she's back up and running.

An interesting thing I learned today: when she was checking my ovaries (FUCKING OW) and I was dying, she apologized a bunch. She then told me that basically ovaries are chick testicles, and it's like I was being kicked in the junk, but my junk was already pissed off. Never really thought about it that way.

So I totally got roshambo'd by my doc. Who I still like.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Great Indestructo Strikes Again.

Pneumonia #3 is quickly turning into yet another miraculous recovery. Sigh.

Met with VA Home health yesterday, who were surprisingly helpful. More helpful than the other a-holes there.

Still waiting to hear back from Medicaid. Still crossing my fingers.

Have sold many, many purses. Like $3K worth. Have bought a couple of other lower prices replacements. It's kind of liberating. I was going to try to use the proceeds for another Chanel but I am thinking now I probably won't. Their latest price increase just turned me off.

Maybe I'll watch for a gently used one.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Dad.

He's really sick. Fever is bad, but he did take Tylenol this morning. Apparently he tried to talk to the caregiver, which is new.

He sleeps a lot. He coughs a lot. He is weak.

I am kind of disconnected from it.

I worry he will pass when I am in Lincoln City this weekend. But at the same time I could see him doing this on purpose. I should go see him before we leave town, but I don't want to. It's too hard. I like to think of him smiling, not lying in bed struggling for breath. I hope he's not trying to talk because he's afraid.

Still working on home health to come out. Should know later in the day.

He has been half approved for Medicaid as of Feb 1. The financials are all that's left, and that's what I am worrying about. I pray it works out.

Oh yeah, no restraining order (per the attorney) but still denying her visitation. Court looms.

Haiti.

My heart is really breaking for Haiti right now. I have to stop looking at the news feeds.

Donating helped me feel a bit better.

http://www.redcross.org/

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Today is sucking. I have meetings basically all day (I'm in an one hour "lull").

Anyway, Dad's Care home called. Remember how he JUST got transferred out of hospice? He's got a nasty cough, as in probably pneumonia. AGAIN.

I would like to slap the hospice people, because now there is a bunch of stupid paperwork that needs to be done. Again. Idiots.

Which leads me to another conundrum. If he DOES have pneumonia, he would now qualify for VA Nursing home care.

I'm waiting still for the Medicaid paperwork.

Part of me hopes that dad is tired, and ready to go on to the great beyond. He's been sick for so long. This rollercoaster sucks.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Yahoooooo

We are going to get a KID FREE day/night this Saturday, thanks to Dave's mom. We are getting out of down lest Cow shows up anyway for her visitation after we get the restraining order, and Dave talked her into taking the kids for the night.

Beach time, here we come! It's been about 6 months... gah!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Frivolous Post

I am thinking of unloading (selling) most of my purses, and using the money to go towards a large Chanel Flap. The reasoning for this is that a Chanel Maxi Flap will go with everything.

I do like some variety, but I have been downsizing so much lately and am kind of liking having a few "perfect" things than a bunch of stuff that I just like.

It would take selling Chanel/LV to make this happen, at a slight loss of what I paid (but have used the bags).

What do you think? Is it worth it to have the "perfect" bag?

I knew it was too calm.

Received word today via the attorney that the kid's biomom has not been to her mental health provider since November. She has no-showed, changed her phone number, and dropped off of the face of the earth. She was discharged due to disappearance.

Our court order says "no mental health treatment, no visitation."

Time for another restraining order to stop visitation and to go to court.

Basically one of two things will happen: 1. She will have to start seeing her provider again and providing proof she's in treatment if she wants visitation, or 2. She stops seeing the kids.

If she argues she's "all better" then her pathetic $50 a month child support will have to be increased, if she's so well then she can work full time, can't she?

If she's well and asks for more time with the kids (i.e. overnights, which she hasn't had for over a year) then where will they sleep? She moved in her boyfriend and his three children. There's nowhere for the kids to sleep (she and the creepy boyfriend are sleeping in the living room as is), and I would imagine all it would take would be one overnight with 5 children in one little trailer for her to either crack up completely again (yay! LOL) or not want overnights anymore.

Either way, I believe she is going to be basically fucked in court.

Will be interesting to see if she pulls a "suicide attempt" when she's served this time. That's an old trick for sympathy. If that's the case it just makes our case that much more airtight.

Should be interesting.

I'm sick of spending all this $$ on attorneys though. We'll probably be paying until we are dead.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Looking forward.

So I finally have something to look forward to. Mark, Deanna, Dave and I are going up to the Casino in Rochester in Feb to see Charo. Yes, "Cuchi Cuchi" effing badass Charo. (Charo is Mark's version of my Tom Jones obsession). We are going to stay over night. I talked my mom into taking the kids overnight, so it will be the first night without the kids we have had since August last year.

EFF YES!!!

Having these kids constantly is exhausting. It sucks, because their non-custodial literally batshit crazy mom is too sick to take them overnight, but well enough to mess with their heads for 8 hours on the First and Third Saturdays of the month.

I wish she was well enough to actually take them for any length of time. As stands though, we worry sick about what is happening because several very bad and very disturbing things have happened when they have been in her care in the past, and their mom is secretive about when she's on/off her meds and doing particularly badly.

Or, if she was just not around anymore (like she blessedly used to be) then the kids are easier to parent because they aren't confused all the time. It's hard to answer "Why does my mom lie all the time?" and "Will I get sick inside like my mom too?" and similar questions. They are very confused, and while we never talk bad about her to them, we know she badmouths us to them (have been asked "Why does my mom hate you so bad?").

Anyway, I am SO EXCITED to be able to go away with my husband with no kids, even if it is for one measley night. It's enough for me to be seriously looking forward to something for a change.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Running Scared.

Nah, not that f*ckawesome 80's movie, I'm talking about the VA.

The social worker called me today, apparently she's still "working every angle." I think perhaps I put the fear of God in her. LOL. Ok, maybe not the fear of God but at least the fear of Sara.

I've managed to catch a stupid cold (thanks Dave). Just sick enough to be irritating. I am not hungry at all though, so hey, bonus! I ate some pizza at work at like 4 and that's the last thing I felt like eating.

I had a really busy day at work, which was a good thing, as I felt very productive. I haven't felt that way in a while. Depression is really insidious at making you lazy and feel like a worthless sloth. Having to kick ass today helped me a lot I think.

I don't really like talking about Depression. It's easy for me to talk about being pissed off, because it's ok to be pissed off in everyone's eyes. But really depression is just anger turned inwards, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm not weak because it happens. It's strong in my family, both of my parents have been on meds, my half-brother was a suicide, and I've felt this way off and on my whole life. I just got the bad end of the genetic straw on this one.

When I start getting all sad that I can't be a breeder I just think about the fact that I am not passing on these fucked up genes to a kid. That actually helps me feel a little bit better. I still cried the other day though at my friend at work's ultrasound pix of her baby sucking her thumb though.

Anyway, me blogging about depression is basically admitting that it's real. I used to try to hide this from everyone, and it used to embarass me. I actually got seriously pissed at my mom for telling my Uncle that I was on meds when I was like 18. I am over this now. And I realize that I will be on meds for the rest of my life. Or I'll end up with a shotgun in my mouth like my brother did.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Well.

The VA is telling me my dad doesn't qualify for VA Nursing Home benefits. Am too mad to really break it down for you without lapsing into a profanity filled tirade.

So I applied for Medicaid. I sent the paperwork out today. I hope to God he's approved. If he's not then I am officially S. O. L. and I have no idea what to do next. Except call the VA back, rage, threaten legal action etc etc.

I'm starting to come out of a funk. I can admit now it was a really bad one. I wasn't suicidal, but I laid in bed just wishing I was dead on several occasions. Like, if a stray asteroid fell and wiped me out it would be no big deal for the world and a relief for me. I tried to minimize how awful I felt, as I didn't want anyone to worry and commit my depressed ass or anything, but I sat with my cell phone in my hand for half an hour the other day debating calling the doctor for a SOS mission. I pulled it together ok.

This is the worst bout of depression I have had in a while. This time of year is always bad for me. I had lots of trauma around Christmas (lol) in the past, my mom is about to lose her house and is still devastated by the loss of my Uncle, the Dad stress, and Dave and I have had minor financial problems of our own. I basically backed off of talking to anyone, and no one really seemed to notice or be concerned (except my mom, who knows what it means when she doesn't hear a peep from me). All of this together had me feel worse about myself. I don't ever call anyone to cry/complain, it's just not my style. Typically my cure is to go to the beach for the weekend, but there is no money for that. I also am feeling completely "Mommied Out" and desperately want a vacation from stepparenthood, which won't be coming any time soon, as their mom is still as crazy as ever, and my mom basically admitted the other day she's not going to take them overnight anymore because they are too difficult for her to handle, and they always break something at her house (I guess it happened more than she let me know, as she didn't want me to "feel bad.").

Today I feel exhausted and blase, not completely hopeless. Monday was really bad. I cried at work. I went in the bathroom stall and cried for like 10 minutes. Fortunately no one walked in to see it at the time, and I managed to pull it together.

I'm still kind of feeling sorry for myself. I've been reading Dalai Lama books and "fluff" fiction, as it takes my mind off of it.

My biggest complaint is that I have zero concentration. Even doing things I like. I am just all over the place, and flaky, which is not my M.O.

I'm going to work really hard on getting better. If I have to take off to the beach by myself to snap out of it, I will.