Tuesday, May 31, 2005


I am tired of assuming that people are genuinely sincere and warm hearted and real and actually care about each other. Being cynical is easier. How do I learn to do that?

I pretty much drugged myself all weekend with booze, and dancing, and flirting, the "club life", and that was a lot more fun than focusing my energy on the shitty things going on. But its not reality. My empty bed is reality. It's all a big dance, seducing each other, or at least attempting to, just to know you're still alive. It's fun and all... but I want more. I need more.

I know that creative people are difficult, I place myself in this category, and I'm drawn to people in this category like we are magnets. I'm moody and mercurial, but I love hard and when I'm feeling it I'm so open it blinds me. I just want to turn it off for a while... I feel like I feel things so much heavier than most people, and I'm TIRED of it. This could totally be angsty b.s., but I don't think so. I think its self-preservation.

I'm so close to the end of so many bad things, and so close to getting my dad out here and being able to focus on making the last months/years of his life good. Hearing how happy he is to hear from me is the only thing that reaches me... the love there... how happy he is just to hear my voice.

I don't need a relationship to feel "full." I've been alone six months now, and just because the scab has been fucked with this past week doesn't mean I should yank it off and bleed all over.

But dammit, it would be nice to be able to be with someone, and feel the electricity, and know that there's no one else on Earth that they would want to stand next to like they want to stand next to you, and someone that exhales their soul in a kiss, and someone that sees you for all the beauty that you are, and every time they look at you they paint a portrait in their mind...

Because that's how it is for me. I'm really *there*. And I miss being there, even though I don't know who it is I'm supposed to just Be with. Even though it scares me.

So where are YOU anyway?

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

CH4 + 2O2 -- > CO2 + 2H2O

Tonight I am a scientist
Struggling with the formula
To determine if
The velocity of intoxication
Outweighs the ratio of destruction
Tonight I am a doctor
Plotting elective surgery
Choosing how deep I will be cut
If your heart is not connected
To the rest of your body
Tonight I am a composer
Crafting a forgotten symphony
Where minds and mouths
Perform a sacred
And forgotten dance
Soon I will be only Yours
Surrendering to my soul's desire
Hoping that one taste of Bliss
Is enough to balance Hell
Of being Haunted

Monday, May 23, 2005

melodramatic and in need of prozac.

I'm having one of those nights. Just general ennui and angst. The people that I know can that talk me down off the proverbial ledge and not think I am a total lunatic are either way over their phone minutes or its past 11pm on the East coast and they are sleeping.

I sit here, trying to will the phone to ring, and won't pick it up and call someone because I don't want to bother anyone. I hate calling people. but I like to be called. I'm incorrigible.

I'm listening to dark music, wumpscut, KMFDM, Bauhaus... I have snacked on various soy products looking for something to satisfy this soul's craving, brewed a couple cups of chamomile and nothing seems to help.

Tonight I am lonely, and I don't really know why... because I had the best drive home - I took the long way home, and blasted the Cure, and shielded my eyes from the sun and smiled for no reason... now I've crash landed.

I hate when i get like this.

Where all I want is to be gently loved to sleep... and my bed seems huge and empty and the night is so so long.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Robert who?

He made the fatal error of describing those that believe in God as weak.

Now I don't give a fuck what anyone believes. Honest. You can ask anyone that knows me. I've known Brie for a year and the only time I've ever mentioned anything spiritual is when she asked for a school project. I don't think any religion or no religion is good or bad. It's all subjective.

I was raised Catholic, and I can tell you I don't buy into all the fire and brimstone. But do I rag on it? No. It's just not my truth. But spirituality is something very important to me. And I am NOT fucking weak.

Life is not a contest, but I can guarantee you I've been through more shit than most 50 year olds alive today. So fuck that weak shit. And I don't know how someone that has his whole back inked in a Tibetan theme can be so dismissive of what those symbols mean. People in Tibet DIE because they get caught practicing their faith. That big fucking Om he has inked at the top - guess what? That means GOD in Sanskrit you dumb bastard! Just like the one I have inked does!!

All my tattoos have meaning. It would take at least two paragraphs to explain the one on my back. It's not just a pretty fucking picture. I'm not saying you can't tattoo shit just because its a pretty fucking picture, but I'm saying that if you take something and use it, for art's sake, have some fucking respect for it. This just seems hypocritical to me and I have to cut ties on this one today. Not sure how to handle yet. He's not for me.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Today was the best day I've had in like 5 years.

And NO I didn't get laid! ;) Ok, so maybe it wasn't THE best day, but close.

Today I spent a near obscene amount of money on stuff - I ordered new glasses and sunglasses and bought some new clothes, which were desperately needed. Hung out with my mom, got a call from my dad with really good news - his house sold! For the full price! So he's no longer freaked out about everything.

He also told me that he's going to sell his car and that he wants to use the money from his car and have me sell my car (aka the Grandmamobile) and buy a good car! Which I think is the nicest thing ever, because I really miss my Nissan (but I don't miss the payment). I totally didn't expect that at all.

Tonight I went to the Viper Room - dancing - some great tunes (thanks Jason, you rock!!) and had a couple of drinks (was the DD as per usual - one of these nights I'm going to say fuck it and take a cab and just get shitty at a club - I've fucking earned it). Met a few friends there, including a very sweet man - the tattoo apprentice guy, Robert, I can't remember if I mentioned him before. He kissed my hand when I left, I eat shit like that up. I also eat up the type of compliments he was giving me - I'm such a girl. It is always nice to know that you are attractive to the opposite sex though. And he actually dances. Big points.

He's 37, so a lot of that young boy angst is gone, which I love. Always love the older ones. Then when Brie and I left the coolest thing every happened - it started POURING rain, and I got absolutely soaked - which I just loved! Sounds bizarre, but something about getting soaked is just so sensual. it felt SO GOOD after being hot in the club too... Some day I plan on having hot passionate wet sex in a rainstorm... I have this big goofy grin on my face and am just happy as I can remember being. :) Everything just fell into place today... BTW, the Taco Bell on Burnside and 21st by Brie's apartment makes the best 7 layer burrito ever.

Saturday, May 7, 2005

Friday Night

So tonight I was really spontaneous. The girl from my work I was supposed to go out with bailed, so I was little bummed out, but I got a message from Heather who was itching to go out.

Well, turns out the Raveonettes are playing, and well, they freaking RULE so we went down to Dante's. I was so brave tonight. I talked to like 6 boys on my own. I started out with the boys (okay, at my age they are men) that I wasn't attracted to but I knew I would instantly have conversation with (i.e. bands on their t-shirts).

I started to feel pretty good and right before the Raveonettes started fate smiled upon me and the cutest boy I've seen in ages stood next to me. I was initially paralyzed with fear, but Heather sensed something was up and just walked up to him and was like "Hi, what are you drinking?" I so wish I could do that!

Anyway, she introduced us and we proceeded to stand next to each other and talk between songs for the entire set... Heather left half way in-between because she was "so certain we were going to hook up." Hahahah. Yeah right. I don't hook up.

Anyway, show ended, we talked some more, I didn't freaking know what to do - he was so sweet and nice and had the best teeth and was at least 6'5" and dark so totally cute and *sigh* he went to Coachella and saw BAUHAUS. AND LIKES THEM. We'd been to about a million of the same shows blah blah. So he asks my advice which of the Raveonettes CDs he should buy, I tell him, then I'm like, "Uh, yeah, so, uh, yeah, was nice to meet you Aaron, see you later!" and he smiles his cute smile and shakes my hand and I leave. AAARRRGH.

I can't believe I choked!! Now what? I know what Pixies show he's going to be at... but dammit. I have no idea what to do when I meet someone I am interested in getting to know better. I'm really mad at myself for being so retarded about this stuff. This one was total quality, folks. And I blew it. So sweet Aaron, good night, whereever you are. I hope you enjoy your CD... and maybe I'll see you at the Pixies or Peter Murphy!

I suck at life.

Sunday, May 1, 2005

Back from Seattle.

Had a fun time. Hangover only a 3 on a scale of 1-10 - general indifference, mild depression, craving for carbs.

Oh my God. I have never been in a room with so many physically beautiful men in my life.

Met one, Tommy, I would have married on the spot. The most beautiful man in and out I have ever seen. He watched out for me all night at the casino after the fights and made sure to hook me up with the VIP pass at the after fight party so I could get some free grub! Sweetest guy ever. Totally gives me hope that all the attractive guys aren't assholes! I needed to meet someone like him to give me the courage to remain in the dating pool with hopes I'll find someone to swim with!

Random statistics from the weekend:
Guesstimate number of pro fighters I met/drank with/bullshitted with/sat on their laps: 35
Number of times I was asked if the tattoo on my wrist was real: 4.
Number of pro fighters that performed impromptu strip shows to show me their cool tattoos: 4
Number of times I got seriously turned on by this: one.
Number of semi-strip shows I performed to show off my tattoos to pro fighters: 2
Number of times I seriously got turned on by this: 2 hahaha
Number of times I held hands with people: 3
Number of pierced nipples I was shown: 6
Number of pierced nipples I was told to pull on and did so: 1
Number of fighters I met that I would have seriously dated if they lived in my town and were interested: 3
Number of horse-races I witnessed at the track: 6
Number of Mexicans that "eye fucked" (her word) Sharidy and I at the horse races: 457 (they likes blondes, I guess)
Alcohol consumed Friday night: 1/3 bottle Bacardi Vanila, 3 Budweisers, some orange thing called Sparks that is like red bull with liquor in it
Number of drinks I spilled all over someone's hotel room: 1
Number of times we shoved people in the car trunk to try to move us all from one place to another: 2.
Number of curbs hit intentionally to try to fuck with the person in the trunk: 3
Number of fights outside the ring I witnessed: 2
Number of boys that asked if they could "sleep in my room" with me: 2

And I went to my room all alone last night, despite all the handsome boys I was surrounded by. Yay me for continuing to have morals!! But if Tommy had asked.... heh.... >:)