Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Great Indestructo Strikes Again.

Pneumonia #3 is quickly turning into yet another miraculous recovery. Sigh.

Met with VA Home health yesterday, who were surprisingly helpful. More helpful than the other a-holes there.

Still waiting to hear back from Medicaid. Still crossing my fingers.

Have sold many, many purses. Like $3K worth. Have bought a couple of other lower prices replacements. It's kind of liberating. I was going to try to use the proceeds for another Chanel but I am thinking now I probably won't. Their latest price increase just turned me off.

Maybe I'll watch for a gently used one.

Friday, January 15, 2010


He's really sick. Fever is bad, but he did take Tylenol this morning. Apparently he tried to talk to the caregiver, which is new.

He sleeps a lot. He coughs a lot. He is weak.

I am kind of disconnected from it.

I worry he will pass when I am in Lincoln City this weekend. But at the same time I could see him doing this on purpose. I should go see him before we leave town, but I don't want to. It's too hard. I like to think of him smiling, not lying in bed struggling for breath. I hope he's not trying to talk because he's afraid.

Still working on home health to come out. Should know later in the day.

He has been half approved for Medicaid as of Feb 1. The financials are all that's left, and that's what I am worrying about. I pray it works out.

Oh yeah, no restraining order (per the attorney) but still denying her visitation. Court looms.


My heart is really breaking for Haiti right now. I have to stop looking at the news feeds.

Donating helped me feel a bit better.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Today is sucking. I have meetings basically all day (I'm in an one hour "lull").

Anyway, Dad's Care home called. Remember how he JUST got transferred out of hospice? He's got a nasty cough, as in probably pneumonia. AGAIN.

I would like to slap the hospice people, because now there is a bunch of stupid paperwork that needs to be done. Again. Idiots.

Which leads me to another conundrum. If he DOES have pneumonia, he would now qualify for VA Nursing home care.

I'm waiting still for the Medicaid paperwork.

Part of me hopes that dad is tired, and ready to go on to the great beyond. He's been sick for so long. This rollercoaster sucks.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


We are going to get a KID FREE day/night this Saturday, thanks to Dave's mom. We are getting out of down lest Cow shows up anyway for her visitation after we get the restraining order, and Dave talked her into taking the kids for the night.

Beach time, here we come! It's been about 6 months... gah!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Frivolous Post

I am thinking of unloading (selling) most of my purses, and using the money to go towards a large Chanel Flap. The reasoning for this is that a Chanel Maxi Flap will go with everything.

I do like some variety, but I have been downsizing so much lately and am kind of liking having a few "perfect" things than a bunch of stuff that I just like.

It would take selling Chanel/LV to make this happen, at a slight loss of what I paid (but have used the bags).

What do you think? Is it worth it to have the "perfect" bag?

I knew it was too calm.

Received word today via the attorney that the kid's biomom has not been to her mental health provider since November. She has no-showed, changed her phone number, and dropped off of the face of the earth. She was discharged due to disappearance.

Our court order says "no mental health treatment, no visitation."

Time for another restraining order to stop visitation and to go to court.

Basically one of two things will happen: 1. She will have to start seeing her provider again and providing proof she's in treatment if she wants visitation, or 2. She stops seeing the kids.

If she argues she's "all better" then her pathetic $50 a month child support will have to be increased, if she's so well then she can work full time, can't she?

If she's well and asks for more time with the kids (i.e. overnights, which she hasn't had for over a year) then where will they sleep? She moved in her boyfriend and his three children. There's nowhere for the kids to sleep (she and the creepy boyfriend are sleeping in the living room as is), and I would imagine all it would take would be one overnight with 5 children in one little trailer for her to either crack up completely again (yay! LOL) or not want overnights anymore.

Either way, I believe she is going to be basically fucked in court.

Will be interesting to see if she pulls a "suicide attempt" when she's served this time. That's an old trick for sympathy. If that's the case it just makes our case that much more airtight.

Should be interesting.

I'm sick of spending all this $$ on attorneys though. We'll probably be paying until we are dead.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Looking forward.

So I finally have something to look forward to. Mark, Deanna, Dave and I are going up to the Casino in Rochester in Feb to see Charo. Yes, "Cuchi Cuchi" effing badass Charo. (Charo is Mark's version of my Tom Jones obsession). We are going to stay over night. I talked my mom into taking the kids overnight, so it will be the first night without the kids we have had since August last year.


Having these kids constantly is exhausting. It sucks, because their non-custodial literally batshit crazy mom is too sick to take them overnight, but well enough to mess with their heads for 8 hours on the First and Third Saturdays of the month.

I wish she was well enough to actually take them for any length of time. As stands though, we worry sick about what is happening because several very bad and very disturbing things have happened when they have been in her care in the past, and their mom is secretive about when she's on/off her meds and doing particularly badly.

Or, if she was just not around anymore (like she blessedly used to be) then the kids are easier to parent because they aren't confused all the time. It's hard to answer "Why does my mom lie all the time?" and "Will I get sick inside like my mom too?" and similar questions. They are very confused, and while we never talk bad about her to them, we know she badmouths us to them (have been asked "Why does my mom hate you so bad?").

Anyway, I am SO EXCITED to be able to go away with my husband with no kids, even if it is for one measley night. It's enough for me to be seriously looking forward to something for a change.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Running Scared.

Nah, not that f*ckawesome 80's movie, I'm talking about the VA.

The social worker called me today, apparently she's still "working every angle." I think perhaps I put the fear of God in her. LOL. Ok, maybe not the fear of God but at least the fear of Sara.

I've managed to catch a stupid cold (thanks Dave). Just sick enough to be irritating. I am not hungry at all though, so hey, bonus! I ate some pizza at work at like 4 and that's the last thing I felt like eating.

I had a really busy day at work, which was a good thing, as I felt very productive. I haven't felt that way in a while. Depression is really insidious at making you lazy and feel like a worthless sloth. Having to kick ass today helped me a lot I think.

I don't really like talking about Depression. It's easy for me to talk about being pissed off, because it's ok to be pissed off in everyone's eyes. But really depression is just anger turned inwards, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm not weak because it happens. It's strong in my family, both of my parents have been on meds, my half-brother was a suicide, and I've felt this way off and on my whole life. I just got the bad end of the genetic straw on this one.

When I start getting all sad that I can't be a breeder I just think about the fact that I am not passing on these fucked up genes to a kid. That actually helps me feel a little bit better. I still cried the other day though at my friend at work's ultrasound pix of her baby sucking her thumb though.

Anyway, me blogging about depression is basically admitting that it's real. I used to try to hide this from everyone, and it used to embarass me. I actually got seriously pissed at my mom for telling my Uncle that I was on meds when I was like 18. I am over this now. And I realize that I will be on meds for the rest of my life. Or I'll end up with a shotgun in my mouth like my brother did.

Thursday, January 7, 2010


The VA is telling me my dad doesn't qualify for VA Nursing Home benefits. Am too mad to really break it down for you without lapsing into a profanity filled tirade.

So I applied for Medicaid. I sent the paperwork out today. I hope to God he's approved. If he's not then I am officially S. O. L. and I have no idea what to do next. Except call the VA back, rage, threaten legal action etc etc.

I'm starting to come out of a funk. I can admit now it was a really bad one. I wasn't suicidal, but I laid in bed just wishing I was dead on several occasions. Like, if a stray asteroid fell and wiped me out it would be no big deal for the world and a relief for me. I tried to minimize how awful I felt, as I didn't want anyone to worry and commit my depressed ass or anything, but I sat with my cell phone in my hand for half an hour the other day debating calling the doctor for a SOS mission. I pulled it together ok.

This is the worst bout of depression I have had in a while. This time of year is always bad for me. I had lots of trauma around Christmas (lol) in the past, my mom is about to lose her house and is still devastated by the loss of my Uncle, the Dad stress, and Dave and I have had minor financial problems of our own. I basically backed off of talking to anyone, and no one really seemed to notice or be concerned (except my mom, who knows what it means when she doesn't hear a peep from me). All of this together had me feel worse about myself. I don't ever call anyone to cry/complain, it's just not my style. Typically my cure is to go to the beach for the weekend, but there is no money for that. I also am feeling completely "Mommied Out" and desperately want a vacation from stepparenthood, which won't be coming any time soon, as their mom is still as crazy as ever, and my mom basically admitted the other day she's not going to take them overnight anymore because they are too difficult for her to handle, and they always break something at her house (I guess it happened more than she let me know, as she didn't want me to "feel bad.").

Today I feel exhausted and blase, not completely hopeless. Monday was really bad. I cried at work. I went in the bathroom stall and cried for like 10 minutes. Fortunately no one walked in to see it at the time, and I managed to pull it together.

I'm still kind of feeling sorry for myself. I've been reading Dalai Lama books and "fluff" fiction, as it takes my mind off of it.

My biggest complaint is that I have zero concentration. Even doing things I like. I am just all over the place, and flaky, which is not my M.O.

I'm going to work really hard on getting better. If I have to take off to the beach by myself to snap out of it, I will.