Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Le sigh.

To make a really long story short, my dad's medical costs have eaten up all of his money. He started out with $250K, he wanted to go to the VA nursing home and leave the money to me. I refused. It wasn't my money! I have my whole life to earn money. Yes, it would have been nice, but I didn't feel right about it. My mom thinks he was going to off himself, and not go to the VA.

It was important to me that he be in the best place possible when he was still "with it." Obviously, the dementia had started, but he could talk, joke, move around. Now he's essentially like an infant, cooing different sounds and just shitting and pissing himself. I hope someone shoots me if I end up like him and my grandma (his mom) who was the same way.

Anyway, 5 years later, here we are. Out of money. I had two options: Apply for Medicaid or let the VA care for him.

I got the Medicaid process started, and realized in a hurry that I don't have even close to the 5 years of documentation they need, including his birth certificate, and info on his cars that he sold just before I went to Florida and got him in June 2005.

I cried, and stressed, and whatnot about it.

Now I've decided to just let go of it. I contacted the VA social worker, and I was incorrect in assuming he would end up at the state home in the Dalles, OR. I will have a choice in private nursing homes for him. His social security and soldiers pension will go towards his care, and his VA benefits will pick up the rest (he's service connected).

Thank goodness he served in the Navy.

I know this really will be the end for him, as I know the reason he's still alive is due to the extreme amount of care he's been getting. Caregivers sit with him for hours to get him to drink things.

This won't happen in the VA.

And I'm really okay with that.

Which sounds shitty, but at this point the lights are on but noone's home, and I know he'd want to be dead anyway.

I was stressing out about how to tell the current home he was leaving, and then after losing much sleep over it realized I was worrying about being judged. Since when did I worry about being judged?? I tend to not give a shit. So I thought.

But when I really think about it, in the course of my life, all I wanted to do was do right by my dad. When he hadn't really earned it. (For those of you not in the know, he bailed wholeheartedly when I was 11 - on Christmas Eve came home with a U-haul after being missing for 6 weeks. This is one of the reasons I hate or am at least blah on Christmas.) Yet, I always, always valued his opinion the most, always wanted HIS love the most.


I'm sure those of you with psychology persuasions will have field day with my Daddy issues. Basically I think I've just always tried to please him to fill that hole in my heart that can't really be filled by doing this. I hope to help my stepkids avoid this similar fate when it comes to their mom, but they will have to be repeatedly hurt by her in a similar manner, and all I can do it hug them and love them through it.

I've done all I can for him. When his mind was semi-there he was in the best place money could buy. I fielded his paranoid 4am phone calls, fought numerous battles with medical insurance, banks, etc to handle his affairs. Because he's my dad and he needed someone to help him. Because he's my dad and I love him, despite the fact that he had no business being a parent.

I think I can step back and be okay with it. The guilt button in me says I'm sentencing him to a death sentence. The other part of me feels like he's already gone, and I'm just letting the natural course happen. This will be my mantra for the next few weeks.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


If anyone knows how in the hell to help me apply for Medicaid for my dad, help!!! LMAO

I'm a bit overwhelmed with it right now.