Friday, January 8, 2010

Running Scared.

Nah, not that f*ckawesome 80's movie, I'm talking about the VA.

The social worker called me today, apparently she's still "working every angle." I think perhaps I put the fear of God in her. LOL. Ok, maybe not the fear of God but at least the fear of Sara.

I've managed to catch a stupid cold (thanks Dave). Just sick enough to be irritating. I am not hungry at all though, so hey, bonus! I ate some pizza at work at like 4 and that's the last thing I felt like eating.

I had a really busy day at work, which was a good thing, as I felt very productive. I haven't felt that way in a while. Depression is really insidious at making you lazy and feel like a worthless sloth. Having to kick ass today helped me a lot I think.

I don't really like talking about Depression. It's easy for me to talk about being pissed off, because it's ok to be pissed off in everyone's eyes. But really depression is just anger turned inwards, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm not weak because it happens. It's strong in my family, both of my parents have been on meds, my half-brother was a suicide, and I've felt this way off and on my whole life. I just got the bad end of the genetic straw on this one.

When I start getting all sad that I can't be a breeder I just think about the fact that I am not passing on these fucked up genes to a kid. That actually helps me feel a little bit better. I still cried the other day though at my friend at work's ultrasound pix of her baby sucking her thumb though.

Anyway, me blogging about depression is basically admitting that it's real. I used to try to hide this from everyone, and it used to embarass me. I actually got seriously pissed at my mom for telling my Uncle that I was on meds when I was like 18. I am over this now. And I realize that I will be on meds for the rest of my life. Or I'll end up with a shotgun in my mouth like my brother did.


  1. That's not funny... Depression is a disease. You need your meds. Maybe counseling (again?, more?, different?). And, seriously, I will be REALLY mad if you off yourself.

  2. I honestly think the only situation where I would truly off myself would be if I got a diagnosis like my dad's. After seeing what happened to him and feeling the stress it put on me I could never do that to Dave and the kids. I would check myself out first.

    If I had the money I've spent on counseling in my lifetime I could buy a new car I think. LMAO!!!