Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Yesterday was not a good day for me. My "insecurity button" was pushed again, and I surrendered to paranoid thoughts when I shouldn't have, my back was out (huge sign number 1 that my stress meter is overloaded)... like everything else though, good things came out of it, I was forced to communicate how I was feeling, on the verge of tears, and was heard...

It is a new thing for me to feel heard. Truly heard. And that is a gift that is precious to me...

I'm pretty much programmed so that my default setting is paranoia. I really don't trust anyone anymore unless they really earn it. This is the total opposite of how I used to be - blindly trusting anyone that came across my path because they had a smile or seemed to care about me.

I used to think maybe it was a bad thing to be jaded - that is, spiritually a bad thing... I've been thinking about this though and I don't think it is - because you can still be kind while you are being cautious. And I am cautious now. Sometimes I am still very afraid... afraid of the ghosts of the past, afraid of the unknown future and wanting something to believe in when I have a hard time believing in myself at times.

I used to never ever admit fear... never admit weakness, because it can be exploited. I've since discovered we all have our fears, every one of us does, and vocalizing them to those you trust can really take a lot of the power out of them. When you can share them, even laugh a little at their ridiculousness, or be reassured until you finally can believe it.

Maybe I am unintentionally high maintenance. I need this constantly right now, and I'm certain this has to be frustrating to my boyfriend. I'm impatient. I want to "get on with it." I want the "proof" I am important - and this is silly... so silly... because while grand gestures would indeed help me feel better, I shouldn't be this way... and I'm going to work on that.

But it dawned on me. I just don't trust WORDS. I need actions. Because I am completely used to living in the land of empty promises... and so I don't trust anything simply because its said to me, even though I always speak the truth. I need to SEE it, because actions I trust...

It's like if someone says "I love you" as they are scowling and flipping you off... which are you likely to believe? I mean, that's an extreme example, but you all probably get the point here. People can talk until they are blue in the face and I don't find security in that... I need to see it happen for me to assess its validity.

Come to think of it, I learn best by "doing" also. Someone could tell me how to do something a hundred times and I will stress out over it until they physically show me, with my own hands doing it.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005


So last night was the Dandy Warhols show. I wasn't super excited to see them for some reason but ended up being very happy that I did.

At the last minute I decided to goth out kind of, and so I wore all black and red, my "dumb jerkoff at concerts ass kicking boots" and way too much black eyemakeup (no glasses). My hair was a perfect sculpture too - very 60's Edie Sedgwick with the new layers. Anyway. So I was kind of feeling cute, which got me in the mood.

Brie was drunk when I picked her up, and in a very good mood as a result. Found the Ballroom, parked (hit a curb AGAIN, I hate on street parking) and got there with enough time left to get a drink - It's been weeks since I had an adult beverage and I was in the mood. Decided on a rum and coke, which smoothed out my edges a little bit and cemented my standing position at the very part of the roped off 21 and up area.

Brie wanted to be closer, so she bailed and took off for the front of the stage somewhere, I saw her a couple of times briefly during the show, but I was chillin' by myself. Chatted up a really tall dude next to me - that looked like Lurch - that was nice and wearing this weird bomber jacket. It's weird - I'm shy with other people around, but when I'm alone I can totally just randomly talk to people.

The Out Crowd opened, I dug on them (about 90 percent of the tunes), Brie did not. Old BJM members are in this band, its basically just a 60's sounding Wall of Guitar - think Velvet Underground inspired stoner rock. Kind of was digging it.Was amused by the various members of the Dandy's and their entourage wandering about 2 feet from where I was - I was near the part of the side stage where all their families were camped out. Laughed to myself at all of the people I recognized from myspace.

After the Out Crowd finished Matt Hollywood (lead guy) wandered into the roped off area, turned around and was basically in my face. So I said "Hi, great set." "Thanks." exchanged smiles and a couple of other pleasantries. He smells good. He was the only one out of that whole group that didn't absolutely reek of weed. I'm sure that came later. Hahaha.


Dandy's opened with "Ride" which is what they opened with EVERY TIME I have seen them. It is a good opener but come on! Anyway, they were in great form - Courtney was delicious in his little pilot hat...mmm. I'm still fascinated with his mouth. Too bad he's a crabby little stuck up prima donna. One of those that's nice to look at, listen to, but nothing besides those two things. Zia kept leaving to pee, which was funny, that would be me if I ever had a band that went anywhere - hahaha.

Highlights of the set were "Smoke It", "Bohemian Like You", "Gett Off", "MINNESOTER!!!" (that RULED, haven't heard that one live before), "White Gold", "The Last High"... Yeah. They owned. I wished they would have played "Horse Pills" but ehh you can't win em all. :) And I HATE THE FUCKIN STROBE LIGHT but it was only on two songs, so I guess that's not a bad ratio. Courtney was pretty chatty too, which was different for him.

There was a guy in front of me (in the all ages section - thankfully with about a 2 foot roped off barrier between us- I always make sure to give myself a barrier due to my chlostrophobia if I can help it) that was dancing like he had epilepsy. I couldn't understand what his deal was. He was all muscled out and in an Army t-shirt, not the stereotypical Indie rock fan - but he was obviously digging on them, so whatever. Dandy's manager was next to him with his girlfriend and they kept mercilessly mocking him.

Dandy's show closed with "Little Drummer Boy" which was actually their first record, oddly enough, and it was awesome - total psychadelic swirly madness - then they had a bunch of their friends throw fake snow on all of us, which irritated me because it got in my stupid contacts - GRR. They played a long ass set - almost 2 1/2 hours... to the point where I was actually ready to go before it was over - and I love them.

I was ready to come home at 11:45 when it ended though.

It's to the point where there are maybe 5 bands I would go out on the week nights to see anymore... and the Dandy's happen to be one of them... although next time I might not. I think this means I am getting old.

Monday, December 5, 2005

Weekend Update.

Lots of stuff happened this weekend. The actual days on which things occurred are kind of a blur (and YES I was SOBER the whole time, I don't know why I can't keep things straight right now) but that doesn't really matter anyway.

Trimmed the tree at Dave's house. Also brought Dalai over to Dave's for the first time. Can you say, BAD IDEA? See, Dave is kind of cat sitting his babysitter's cats.... one of who apparently is the Mad Phat Dog Assassin. After taking several clumps of hair and flesh off of my dog, we quickly determined that there was no co-existing arrangement that was going to work with this cat. Dalai of course didn't understand this, as she thinks all kitties are her friends...

It frustrates Dave and I both to no end that the one thing that should be so very simple - sleeping in the same apartment - is so rare to come by, between all the kids (fuzzy and otherwise) we just can't seem to make it work unless someone is missing. *sigh*

On the upside, this is the *SOLE* problem or even wrinkle that our relationship faces - which is really no big deal if you think about it... it's kind of temporary...

Saturday I hauled them all down to Vegetarian House, where they all enthusiastically consumed fake meaty goodness with me.... = HAPPINESS.

I'm not telling you about Saturday night. It was goooood. >:)

Sunday... Sunday Dave had stuff that needed to get done and so I was left to have a day to myself. Which normally would have been the absolute awesomest thing I could imagine - I used to live for unscheduled days of free time and quiet... and... well, I didn't know what the hell to do with myself. All I kept thinking was "I wonder what the kids and Dave are doing." So I kept myself busy... I cleaned, I baked a loaf of bread (which fell for some reason), baked some whole wheat muffins, went to the grocery store, scribbled in my journal, read... and I was SO READY to see them all last night - GAH!

I've been super emotional lately. It's weird when you start to radiate happiness little bits of the crappy stuff you've stuffed inside and not wanted to deal with sneaks out too... I think I've cried every day this week and it pisses me off. Last night was worse than usual. All of a sudden my apartment has become somewhere I really don't want to be anymore, and that's weird... It took me forever to fall asleep last night. I was having one of those nights where it was just thinking...thinking... and you just want your brain to shut off so you can sleep.