Monday, November 8, 2010


So I unplugged from the internet for a while. I loved it. LOL

I have been really into minimalism/anti-consumerism stuff lately. I did a major purge of stuff in the house - clothes, candles, "dust collectors", books etc. I had a ridiculous amount of STUFF. Now I have less stuff. I will continue to pare down.

I also took the plunge and decided to just wonder about knitting and start knitting. The results: a week in and a FREAKING LOVE IT. This is huge for me - I have zero artistic/athletic talent whatsoever, and I found something crafty that I can do! I am completely excited, and I seem to have a natural knack for it. I've taken a lot of shit from people (i/e old lady surburban habit) but once hubby figured out that I actually really did love it and it was relaxing for me he shut the hell up. Ha.

We have recently gone through absolute HELL with the stepkids. To make a long story short, and protect everyone's privacy, I will just say that the events all came to a head with a week long's hospital (mental health inpatient) stay for the boy. It has helped immensely, as I feel like perhaps people (and the COURT) will take our concerns seriously and the kids can get the help they need. It did put a huge strain on me personally, as well as of course my husband. Things still aren't being handled quite how I would handle them (there's still a bit of denial on hubby's part, and not wanting to deal with it) but I decided to save my own sanity, and my marriage, that I would step back and let hubby handle it.

I love those kids like they are my own, but they aren't, they are his BLOOD, and he needs to step up. I can help, but I am tired of feeling like I am the constant primary parent, when, well I just am not. Period. Legally they aren't mine, and this sometimes saves my sanity. Knowing that they are my problem because I choose to let them be my problem is sometimes enough for me to be calm about it. I could walk away. And that sounds awful, but making the choice to be here helps me feel less "stuck". I am just the stepparent. I didn't choose to bring them in the world. I didn't contribute to their genes. I just am here to try to help them grow up to be decent human beings. I choose to do this because I love them, and I love their father.

Speaking of what I am sick of, I am sick of feeling like I am drowning in grief. I think about my Dad every day, and try not to because then I get all emotional. You all may think I am insane (and likely you are right - hah) but I have made an appointment to see a Psychic Medium. I have to know that he and Uncle D are ok. I need some sort of closure to move on. I've had the appointment for weeks, and it is tonight. I'm excited as well as a little terrified, and a little skeptical. I feel like I need to apologize for not being able to be in the room with him when he went. I feel like I could have done better. And I need to know that after all he suffered that he's ok.

So yeah, that's what I've been up to.

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