Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Dear Maura Kelly,



I'm sorry that because I'm a double digit size that I am disgusting to you. I will agree that the show in question was crap, but it wasn't offensive. You want fatties to get a room?? Why, because we can't possibly be sexual creatures? It apparently offends you to see our DISGUSTING BODIES OF FLAB *GASP*. GET OVER YOUR IDIOTIC SELF!!!! What this tells me is that YOU must really hate your OWN body to be concerned with mine!

You, dear Ms. Kelly, of the formerly admitted eating-disordered anorexic variety should KNOW BETTER. Fat hate/skinny hate/color hate/disablity hate whatever-your-flavor hate is poison.

MY FAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. We are not going away! We are SICK and TIRED of being invisible in the mainstream media! It's ok for fat girls to be funny (Roseanne, Mo'nique), it's more likely to see a fat guy being funny(Belushi, Goodman, Farley, et al). But any ounce of respect or sexuality shown on TV? GASP! Offensive!?!? OFFENSIVE MY BIG FAT ASS!!!!!!

I'm proud that I don't subscribe to any of the so called beauty mags, including Marie Claire. Shame on you for standing by this hatred.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Good news - I'll take it!

Went with mom to her appointment today - they took a whole bunch more films. She has calcifications, that typically aren't cancerous. The radiologist gave her a choice: biopsy the spots or take a wait and see approach and re-test in 6 months. She opted for the latter, and will biopsy if anything has changed.

Sweet relief!!!

Now, maybe my migraine will quit (this is day 2)...

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


Those of you that might know my mom in real life, please keep the following confidential, as she wants to keep this quiet, and I want to respect her right to privacy. Since I don't think any of her IRL friends or any of my family read my blog I am assuming this is a safe space for me to post how I'm feeling.

My mom got a bad mammogram. Here's the details that I know so far: she went in early last week for the mammo. During the mammo, the tech asked to take an additional photo of her right breast. My mom at the time thought this was odd, and asked me if I thought this was reason for concern when we had dinner that night.

Friday she got the call that they found something. They told her to come in ASAP to meet with a radiologist and have further films taken and be evaluated further.

Her appointment is at 2pm tomorrow, I am taking her. Taking her because she needs moral support, and taking her so I can be the one to pay attention to what the doctors are saying and take notes, as she will be too nervous to really listen.

Initially I had a real good feeling about this - a "oh, she will be fine" feeling. Then my brain started working overtime and I started to panic a little bit, and last night sleep was elusive.

I will, 100% offically lose my SHIT is my mom has cancer. Cancer took my beloved Uncle last year, I "buried" (ok, scattered) my father in June. This news has completely opened the floodgates of grief about both events for me and frankly, I'm a effing mess. It's like it started ALLLL over again, and this is a bunch of BS.

Held it together at work today. Dave is in school tonight, so I am having to hold it together for the kids tonight, but barely hanging on. Ordered pizza so I don't have to cook. Total migraine happening.

We have had major, MAJOR problems with our son too (Friday he "upped the ante" at school and threatened to kill himself, which of course freaked out his teachers and school counselor and all hell broke loose - they didn't understand this is his attention seeking behavior - he admitted he said it and didn't mean it but wanted to "come home" that day), and I am just DONE. D. O. N. E. Stick a fork in me, emotionally.

Ironic, that about a year ago my job was the worst thing in my life, and now it's basically the best. Boss is in town, and important stuff going on, so holding it together there too, but I am completely wiped out.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Thanks, Dad.

This morning when I was in the shower I was feeling really lonely and disconnected. I was thinking about my Uncle, and thinking about my Dad, and missing them both, and wondering why I hadn't seen any birds lately.

I said a mental prayer for Dad to let me know he was ok and send me some birds, because I needed it.

Just a few minutes ago about 6 crows chased each other in a circle a few times around the tree right outside my office window. Impossible to miss.

Go ahead and think I'm crazy, but I know it was him.

Thanks, Dad.


So about twice a year the stress gets to me and I completely meltdown. Welcome to last night! LOL

I came to a decision though - I am done trying to solve the crazy Ex problem. It's not mine to solve, and it will take me down with it if I let it. So, I can support my husband and not be involved. Because if I don't be a step away from it I won't be able to help with the aftermath (fucked up kids). That's the theory. Shoutout to my friend Deirdra who was my email shrink yesterday as I was mentally flailing about about this. Love you dude.

I always feel better when I'm done though. My eyes are all swelled up but so far no one noticed at work, so that's a good thing.

I am expecting a new bag today, and that always makes my day fantastic. I sold my Chanel Cambon tote and used some of the proceeds towards the vintage caviar tote coming today. I hope it's as fantastic as photos indicated. It should curb the lust for a while.

My cousin Erin is coming to town today for the weekend. She is hilarious. She is like a younger version of my mom, minus that whole annoying "depend on me to solve her problems" part. So I am looking forward to laughter this weekend.

Also we are planning on going to the Farm to get pumpkins and stuff this weekend with some of our favorite friends. So that should be fun too.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Another day, another boring blog post.

Lately I've been feeling frustrated in general. My husband's ex-wife is crazy (literally, as in been in the mental ward multiple times in the past few years, on and off her meds) for those of you not in the know, and there is supposed to be a trial next month about their kids. We had a social worker/guardian ad litem do a home study and say that she (biomom) shouldn't have visitation overnight for a number of reasons. Current visitation is 8 hours twice a month, which should not be enough for this woman to screw up her kids but unfortunately it is. There are several very serious reasons why this can't happen, but in the interest of my kids' privacy I'm not going to blog them. Suffice to say, it was bad, real bad.

This has been going on for 5 years, and if we added up the legal bills I am sure the number would be astronomical. Our attorney advised we needed to pay $2000 for his entire day to have him go with us to trial. We obviously, between not receiving ANY child support from the idiot biomom and raising up two kids, don't have a spare $2K just sitting around. So I don't know what's going to happen.

There has to be some other way to deal with this situation, and not just let biomom WIN (her mother, her chief enabler, pays for her legal bills and is the main problem in this situation). Not being able to control/fix this situation (because I do realize that my insatiable need to fix things and take care of things/people is in fact my need for control) is the most frustrating thing I can think of.

The ball is in my husband's court, so to speak, and I struggle with wanting to grab the ball and pitch it myself, when I know it's important that I let him advocate for his children without my interference. Even if I think I could fight the fight better.

The amount of stress this woman puts on our household is astronomical - 99% of every argument hubby and I have ever had has something to do with her. 99% of all money woes ever are directly related to her. She doesn't deserve this amount of control over our lives, and I am not sure how to disconnect from the situation any more to save my sanity without literally sacrificing my stepkids in the process. And I don't see them as my stepkids, I see them as my KIDS, and the feeling is very mutual - they picked me before Dave picked me.

Mostly I just feel powerless. And really worried for them. Our son is really struggling with middle school (first year) like I knew he would, and the kid is clinically depressed. Doctor visits, and counseling visits, and punishments, and meds, and hugs, and long talks, nothing seems to reach the kid right now. And it breaks my heart because it's like looking into a mirror when I was 11 and seeing my face, my face as I just wanted the earth to open up and swallow me. I'm not going to give up on him EVER but I just don't know how to fix this. And I am the girl that knows how to fix everything.