Saturday, May 15, 2010


So I hurt my ankle (again) like two weeks ago. Dave accidentally ran a Costco cart into my left heel and it was all jacked. After 1 1/2 weeks of pain and the external bruising fading but it still hurting, I went to the doc. She gave me Vicodin (WOO!) took X-rays (it's not broken) and told me if it wasn't better in another week to call her and she'd refer me to a podiatrist, who would likely give me steroid injections and possibly a heel insole for my shoe or whatever.

I went out to Dante's last Saturday and was in massive pain after that, then started to feel better. It was do-able, and obviously starting to heal. Then yesterday I swung around in the computer chair and knocked it, hard, on the chair. And today it hurt so bad I wanted to cry again.

I forced myself to get out of bed at 11ish (when the kids were due to leave with their mom - she was late) and Dave and I went to IHOP for brunch. I felt so rotten I came home to rest (at like 1:30) and passed out until 5. Slept hard enough that I was dreaming. Dreamed about my dad, we were at his old house in Florida looking at photo albums.

I woke up feeling better, foot was just achy when I was resting it instead of the constant pounding of the morning. Obviously sleep was what I needed.

I've been insomniac for a long time. It's progressively gotten worse - for a while it was just me not being able to fall asleep, and staring at the ceiling until 2am or so. Now, it's I fall asleep, and I wake up in the middle of the night (usually to let the dog out) and I have trouble falling asleep again. Sigh.

One thing about my foot hurting - today I really felt the need to get out and WALK somewhere, as we had great weather, and I couldn't. Maybe that will help motivate me to exercise after I'm healed and I don't want to.

Decided this weekend is my last hurrah with junk food. Stopped at Krispy Kreme, am going to eat donuts until I am sick of them. I will buy no junk at the grocery store tomorrow. I've had it.

Thursday, May 13, 2010


I'm really in a funk today. I went to the doctor the other day because my foot was hurt and not getting better. I got on the scale.

Yet another new high. I feel like a total failure.

My first instinct was to buy a new bag - new bag = fat girl crack. I may be fat and hideous but I have a GREAT bag. I resisted (thankfully) but I hate this stupid WANTING and I know it's completely tied to self esteem. I just can't seem to get motivated. Every additional pound makes me just that much more unmotivated to do anything.

I just want to crawl in my bed and hide forever. I don't know how I got so low again.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

It's been a while.

My life has been very hectic. It's one of those kind of hectics that is boring to report, so therefore I haven't reported. I don't like to just bitch-blog anyway. I've been doing a lot of reading. My work still sucks, but it is slightly less sucky than it was a couple of weeks ago.

I had some major stress - I heard about a job at the non-profit I talked to a couple of years ago. They wanted to interview me. I declined. My immediate boss is fighting breast cancer, and I just can't think about bailing right now. I got a feeling in my gut that said I should pass, and so I did (this situation with my boss was one of the reasons I passed, there were a few more). I'm trying to remain positive where I am and not think about wanting to leave when thing get sucky. A lot of the time I feel frustrated because I get mixed messages from said boss (but I mean, she's not herself due to illness - what am I supposed to do, complain about it?) and spend more time redoing stuff than doing stuff. Plus there was major cold sickness in our house, and I missed quite a bit of work as I was getting over it as was the girl.

The next exciting thing coming up is on Saturday Dave and I are going to see Cash'd Out at Dante's - a Johnny Cash tribute band. I'm so excited about this, I can't wait. I hope to go to somewhere cool for dinner first.

I'm jonesing for a new bag BAD. I'm torn whether I want a Balenciaga Day or if I want a Mulberry Bayswater. They are total opposites, really - one soft and squishy, one very structured. I love them both hard. I wish I could obsess over something cheaper. Like barrettes. LMAO

Been paying off a lot of credit card debt. Won't spring for a new bag until this is all paid off, as that would be completely moronic. Been buying lots of books though, which is where all my fun money has been going.

Dad is still alive. He still has pneumonia. I went to see him on Sunday and it about did me in. Came home and bawled to Dave. I don't find meaning in this situation only more, only heartache. I don't feel guilt about praying for him to pass anymore.

I read an amazing book called "Women, Food, and God." OMG this woman so gets it. I cried reading a lot of it, reading some of my deepest, darkest secret thoughts about body image on someone else's pages. I really felt good (i/e the War is Over) for a couple of weeks, then promptly jumped back into junk food and self-hatred.

I plan on reading it again. And again. However many times it takes for me to let go and get this right. I've hated my body, and therefore myself, for the majority of my life. It takes so much energy, wasted energy. I am tired of it. Literally exhausted from it. Enough.