Wednesday, November 17, 2010


There's something about chilly weather that just makes me want to coccoon. I want to crawl in bed with the dog and all my kitties with a cup of hot cider and hibernate.

And of course, knit.

I mentioned about my newfound love for knitting - its quickly turned into an obsession. I am the SCARF ACE (say hello to my needle, friend) and have been whipping through those babies like no one's business. I made a couple of them for Christmas presents, for my grandma and my "Secret Santa" gift, and am pretty damn proud of myself.

Besides the knitting itself, which is cheaper than psychotherapy and about as effective, comes knitting paraphanelia. Shirts that say 'KNIT OR DIE' for example. Which I ordered, and should be here soon. It's like this whole little geeky subculture and I am just in love with. I've joined a site, Ravelry, which is like myspace for crafty people, and am digging it there too.

Things have calmed down on the home front a bit, thank god, no more crisis mode.

Just wanted to drop a note so you all didn't think I was dead or something. LOL

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The Medium visit.

You may have to go out on a limb with me folks, to take this journey.

Two nights ago after work I went and saw a psychic medium. I was compelled to go there, as I was really struggling with grief, and worrying about my Dad, and if he was ok. I guess the repressed Catholic girl in me (was raised Catholic and ran as far and as fast as I could away from that patriarchal belief system) was still a little bit afraid of, well, Hell. My Dad always did his best with me and treated me kindly (when he was there) but he wasn't so kind to a lot of other people, and broke up many marriages in his lifetime. I just felt "stuck" in grief. I miss my Uncle too, and while he was certainly no angel either, I wasn't as worried about him as I was my father for some reason.

So this whole thing started about a month ago as I was staring out my office window at the birds and missing my dad, and thinking about him. I did a google search for psychics in the area, and looked at several webpages and decided on one. Her rate was a bit high, but she has lots of accolades. And I figured, hell I'd pay more than the $130 for an hour if I can let go of this worry and feel ok with Dad having passed on.

I went in to the city and went to the building - it's a very old building, a bit run down in that charming vintage sort of way, and had beautiful old wood floors, and the old style fire escape. I could feel some energy in that space that I definitely wasn't alone. I initially thought maybe I was picking up vibes of a little girl ghost, and I kept getting cold spots. I wasn't freaked out but I totally felt watched. I got there a bit early, as I drove in rush hour, and it was very important that I not be late.

The appointment before mine ended, and I went in and Renee, the psychic, said "Oh! I am so so glad you are here. This finally makes sense now. There is someone here to see you and he has been here since about 3 and he's very impatient and insistent that he talk with you. Earlier I had to tell him to wait his turn because he kept talking in someone else's session."

So totally "cold" with no prompting from me, she starts to describe how this person passed. She describes him as older, and that he was having trouble breathing, couldn't catch his breath, and his head was very foggy. She also says he is very angry about how he was sick and how he died and he has a foul mouth (LOL!). She then picks up that a second person is there also, another man, but he's quite a bit younger, and he passed from an injury to his back or kidneys. She advised me that they were both connected through me and through my mother.

My father, of course, died from pneumonia and had dementia.

My uncle died from Kidney cancer.

So I knew who was there.

I didn't tell her who was there. She sat quietly for a few seconds (it seemed like an eternity) and then she said "Oh honey, it's your pop." And I SWEAR TO GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY the lights flickered, like they would in a power outage. She laughed, and explained that happens when there is a strong personality and they are excited you connected. To say that my father was a strong personality is an understatement.

She then describes my father to a T - she says he was a very tender person inside, and he cared so so much about me, but had a hard time expressing it, and he's so sorry. He's so sorry he left, and it was more than just when he passed, he left another time. (He did - left my mother and I when I was 11.) And that it was PRIDE and LIQUOR that clouded his mind and he wants me to forgive him. Of course I do. He came from a long line of alcoholics and philanderers, he didn't know better.

He then tells me that he's proud of me, and thanks me for taking care of things when he couldn't, which puts me into a complete sobbing mess. And he sends his love, and she confirms HE IS SENDING THE BIRDS. He also takes credit for leading me to the Medium, as he says he was trying to connect with me but I wasn't paying attention or couldn't hear him.

He then communicates that he loves my mother always, and he is also sorry for hurting her. I apologized for not being there when he passed, he says he understands why I couldn't, and that I couldn't help anyway. Hearing that was like a 10,000 lb weight was lifted off of my chest. I guess I didn't realize exactly HOW guilty I was feeling about that.

My uncle then comes through, and is being his gregarious self, and the two of them are apparently having a good time talking and whatnot on the other side. My uncle is confirmed through a number of details the psychic couldn't have possibly known (a deep family secret concerning him) and sends his love, that he considers me his 4th child.

The basic message is that they are both fine, my father's words were "at peace" (which makes me so so happy, as he was restless his whole life) and that they are both in my corner.

My uncle apparently also wants to take a 2 X 4 to hubby's crazy Ex - hahaah. They both chimed in on that situation, and praised me for sticking it out and tell me that I'm the reason that family is ok, basically confirm that I am the glue and the strength there, and they advise me to take regular vacations to save my sanity, and that I need more alone time to be happy. All true, of course.

The psychic then tells me I am an "intuitive" person, but the kids are "sensitives" and when they come back from their mom's house, they bring their mom's toxic energy in the house, and I should pray to my angels, burn sacred wood, and use space clearing spray to keep the toxicity away. Well, I've certainly felt that energy, and so as out there as that little tidbit seems, it also seems to make sense. Just because it seems whacked because I never heard/thought of it doesn't mean it's not valid. So I guess I'm going to start to work on that aspect of it all also.

I've basically been repeating the session over and over again in my head. It's an obsession, but a happy one. I know it was real. There's no way she could have told me the details she did (I didn't list them all here). I went in there with my name and nothing else, and she knew everything about my life, about the recent issues with the boy, about family secrets.

It was basically amazing. I walked out of there, and I could have cried from happiness. The first thing I did was call my mother and tell her the messages from Dad and Uncle, as I know she would see the validity in it all. I wasn't sure how hubby would react, but he's been supportive and sees the truth in what happened also.

So basically, I would recommend to anyone that is struggling with grief, if you've got the financial resources to do it, connecting with a legit medium (I know there are lots of cons out there) could be incredibly helpful to your healing. I know it certainly was for mine. I feel incredibly lucky to have been able to have that last conversation with him.

Renee's website is: for those of you that are interested.

Monday, November 8, 2010


So I unplugged from the internet for a while. I loved it. LOL

I have been really into minimalism/anti-consumerism stuff lately. I did a major purge of stuff in the house - clothes, candles, "dust collectors", books etc. I had a ridiculous amount of STUFF. Now I have less stuff. I will continue to pare down.

I also took the plunge and decided to just wonder about knitting and start knitting. The results: a week in and a FREAKING LOVE IT. This is huge for me - I have zero artistic/athletic talent whatsoever, and I found something crafty that I can do! I am completely excited, and I seem to have a natural knack for it. I've taken a lot of shit from people (i/e old lady surburban habit) but once hubby figured out that I actually really did love it and it was relaxing for me he shut the hell up. Ha.

We have recently gone through absolute HELL with the stepkids. To make a long story short, and protect everyone's privacy, I will just say that the events all came to a head with a week long's hospital (mental health inpatient) stay for the boy. It has helped immensely, as I feel like perhaps people (and the COURT) will take our concerns seriously and the kids can get the help they need. It did put a huge strain on me personally, as well as of course my husband. Things still aren't being handled quite how I would handle them (there's still a bit of denial on hubby's part, and not wanting to deal with it) but I decided to save my own sanity, and my marriage, that I would step back and let hubby handle it.

I love those kids like they are my own, but they aren't, they are his BLOOD, and he needs to step up. I can help, but I am tired of feeling like I am the constant primary parent, when, well I just am not. Period. Legally they aren't mine, and this sometimes saves my sanity. Knowing that they are my problem because I choose to let them be my problem is sometimes enough for me to be calm about it. I could walk away. And that sounds awful, but making the choice to be here helps me feel less "stuck". I am just the stepparent. I didn't choose to bring them in the world. I didn't contribute to their genes. I just am here to try to help them grow up to be decent human beings. I choose to do this because I love them, and I love their father.

Speaking of what I am sick of, I am sick of feeling like I am drowning in grief. I think about my Dad every day, and try not to because then I get all emotional. You all may think I am insane (and likely you are right - hah) but I have made an appointment to see a Psychic Medium. I have to know that he and Uncle D are ok. I need some sort of closure to move on. I've had the appointment for weeks, and it is tonight. I'm excited as well as a little terrified, and a little skeptical. I feel like I need to apologize for not being able to be in the room with him when he went. I feel like I could have done better. And I need to know that after all he suffered that he's ok.

So yeah, that's what I've been up to.