Last week I turned 35. There was not a big celebration. My mother bought me some clothes, my grandma bought me a necklace, I got a text from my cousin and the regular slew of impersonal facebook messages. I was feeling a little bit sorry for myself. Then I realized I was being a spoiled brat for being upset I had no presents to open on my birthday. I had food in my belly and a roof over my head, so I needed to suck it up and just deal.
I've been dreaming a lot about my dad, and continual dreams about packing up my dad's things. His birthday is three days before mine and we always used to celebrate together somewhere in the middle. This was also a huge hole this year and the last.
Financially things are a nightmare right now. I had to get a new job. Again. It involves a $4 an hour paycut at the outset. Eventually its supposed to go up $2 or so. Right now is very much an employer's market. My last job that I love ended - the company was bought by a larger company in New Jersey, and New Jersey is where all marketing and office jobs went. I am now an Office Manager for a local business. There's a lot of stress involved, my boss is a stress case and it all rolls downhill. We are still trying to get a groove.
There's been some ugly stuff related to my husband's ex wife's debt and old hospital bills from the boy that are making it difficult to make ends meet. Things are not good right now. We are struggling to save the house, and not finding much help anywhere. He's going to work on getting a garnishment for the judgment we have on his ex wife to help make ends meet. She owes us thousands, and also has never, ever paid her percentage of the kids' medical bills. Who knows what will happen.
I've also had to be paying COBRA prices for insurance, which is nearly $500 a month. With several preexisting conditions, if I let the coverage lapse I am suddenly uninsurable, which is a huge problem. The meds that allow me to get out of bed and work are hundreds a month without insurance, so I might as well pay for it.
I'm just really down and out, and now that I'm this big official ADULT number of 35, I feel like my shit should be together and its so so not. And that kind of makes me feel like a failure.