Sunday, February 26, 2006

My pseudo-parental influence is complete

This weekend I...

1. Taught Dave's daughter Winter how to throw the horns.
2. Took Dave's son into the hair salon and had his hair cut into a spiky mess of awesomeness. He is also going to have green hair gel to put in it as soon as my mother goes back to the beauty salon store. I was also informed that I was his "best friend" hahahhahaaaaa!

Friday, February 24, 2006


The past couple of nights, Weds in particular, were rough. I ate too fast and had that full feeling I hated, and had a major urge to go barf it up. I took a cat nap instead, hoping the feeling would fade, thinking about how everything I ate was soft, but it was acidic, and it would hurt coming back up. Dave being in the house (having no idea what was going on) was enough of a barrier that I just slept until I could focus on something else.

I had major issues with food in the past, and binged/purged for the better part of three years. The last time I threw up food on purpose was in June, and it was a moment of weakness to make myself feel better in an intense moment of stress, and I regretted it instantly. I'm glad I didn't give in again this week.

The thing is I like food. I take comfort in food. It's self-medication, the actual act of eating is comforting. I wake up and I think about what I am going to eat. I think about lunch at 9 am. I think about dinner at 11. I think about the ice cream in the freezer, about the secretly stashed candy in my desk, about Frappucinos and cookies and bowls of pasta. It's pretty much constant. And if I ate every time I wanted to feel better I would be massive. And so I fight it constantly, whether its not eating or resisting binging.

It comes from an ugly place, and it makes you feel a few minutes of control, followed by feelings of self-loathing and shame. The cycle can repeat itself so easily, and its reinforcing when you lose enough weight that someone notices. I always struggle with weight, if you ever meet my family its obvious why.

I think being Veggie is good for me, because it gives me a way to obsess about food in a non-negative way. I also don't feel embarassed reading nutrition labels to mentally calculate how long it would take to burn off, because I have a "reason."

Tuesday, February 14, 2006


So the cutest delivery boy EVER just showed up with Valentine's Day calla lilies for me. He was so cute when he asked if he could buy me lunch I couldn't resist... Don't tell my boyfriend....

oh....wait... :)