Sleep.

So I hurt my ankle (again) like two weeks ago. Dave accidentally ran a Costco cart into my left heel and it was all jacked. After 1 1/2 weeks of pain and the external bruising fading but it still hurting, I went to the doc. She gave me Vicodin (WOO!) took X-rays (it's not broken) and told me if it wasn't better in another week to call her and she'd refer me to a podiatrist, who would likely give me steroid injections and possibly a heel insole for my shoe or whatever.

I went out to Dante's last Saturday and was in massive pain after that, then started to feel better. It was do-able, and obviously starting to heal. Then yesterday I swung around in the computer chair and knocked it, hard, on the chair. And today it hurt so bad I wanted to cry again.

I forced myself to get out of bed at 11ish (when the kids were due to leave with their mom - she was late) and Dave and I went to IHOP for brunch. I felt so rotten I came home to rest (at like 1:30) and passed out until 5. Slept hard enough that I was dreaming. Dreamed about my dad, we were at his old house in Florida looking at photo albums.

I woke up feeling better, foot was just achy when I was resting it instead of the constant pounding of the morning. Obviously sleep was what I needed.

I've been insomniac for a long time. It's progressively gotten worse - for a while it was just me not being able to fall asleep, and staring at the ceiling until 2am or so. Now, it's I fall asleep, and I wake up in the middle of the night (usually to let the dog out) and I have trouble falling asleep again. Sigh.

One thing about my foot hurting - today I really felt the need to get out and WALK somewhere, as we had great weather, and I couldn't. Maybe that will help motivate me to exercise after I'm healed and I don't want to.

Decided this weekend is my last hurrah with junk food. Stopped at Krispy Kreme, am going to eat donuts until I am sick of them. I will buy no junk at the grocery store tomorrow. I've had it.

Funk.

I'm really in a funk today. I went to the doctor the other day because my foot was hurt and not getting better. I got on the scale.

Yet another new high. I feel like a total failure.

My first instinct was to buy a new bag - new bag = fat girl crack. I may be fat and hideous but I have a GREAT bag. I resisted (thankfully) but I hate this stupid WANTING and I know it's completely tied to self esteem. I just can't seem to get motivated. Every additional pound makes me just that much more unmotivated to do anything.

I just want to crawl in my bed and hide forever. I don't know how I got so low again.

It's been a while.

My life has been very hectic. It's one of those kind of hectics that is boring to report, so therefore I haven't reported. I don't like to just bitch-blog anyway. I've been doing a lot of reading. My work still sucks, but it is slightly less sucky than it was a couple of weeks ago.

I had some major stress - I heard about a job at the non-profit I talked to a couple of years ago. They wanted to interview me. I declined. My immediate boss is fighting breast cancer, and I just can't think about bailing right now. I got a feeling in my gut that said I should pass, and so I did (this situation with my boss was one of the reasons I passed, there were a few more). I'm trying to remain positive where I am and not think about wanting to leave when thing get sucky. A lot of the time I feel frustrated because I get mixed messages from said boss (but I mean, she's not herself due to illness - what am I supposed to do, complain about it?) and spend more time redoing stuff than doing stuff. Plus there was major cold sickness in our house, and I missed quite a bit of work as I was getting over it as was the girl.

The next exciting thing coming up is on Saturday Dave and I are going to see Cash'd Out at Dante's - a Johnny Cash tribute band. I'm so excited about this, I can't wait. I hope to go to somewhere cool for dinner first.

I'm jonesing for a new bag BAD. I'm torn whether I want a Balenciaga Day or if I want a Mulberry Bayswater. They are total opposites, really - one soft and squishy, one very structured. I love them both hard. I wish I could obsess over something cheaper. Like barrettes. LMAO

Been paying off a lot of credit card debt. Won't spring for a new bag until this is all paid off, as that would be completely moronic. Been buying lots of books though, which is where all my fun money has been going.

Dad is still alive. He still has pneumonia. I went to see him on Sunday and it about did me in. Came home and bawled to Dave. I don't find meaning in this situation only more, only heartache. I don't feel guilt about praying for him to pass anymore.

I read an amazing book called "Women, Food, and God." OMG this woman so gets it. I cried reading a lot of it, reading some of my deepest, darkest secret thoughts about body image on someone else's pages. I really felt good (i/e the War is Over) for a couple of weeks, then promptly jumped back into junk food and self-hatred.

I plan on reading it again. And again. However many times it takes for me to let go and get this right. I've hated my body, and therefore myself, for the majority of my life. It takes so much energy, wasted energy. I am tired of it. Literally exhausted from it. Enough.

Life is good.

Been doing an evaluation of things. Have been cleaning out baggage (physical and emotional). Sold my beloved Chanel bags to pay off some debt we accrued - it was actually really freeing.

Been conciously eating better too. No real weight loss yet, as I haven't been completely hardcore, but about 80% better, and 100% conscious of everything I eat.

My niece is coming over to babysit tonight so we can go see MUSE!!! Excited. Now only Kings of Leon are on my "MUST SEE" list currently.

Didn't want her to feel left out on Easter, so I got her an Easter pressie too - a Coach wristlet. I bought her her first Juicy and first Chanel, so the tradition continues. :) I like having someone to spoil. She deserves it.

My Belushi/Blues Brothers obsession is full boar right now - been listening to them this afternoon.

Our anniversary was a couple of days ago. Dave sent me some beautiful flowers to work, which was awesome. A coworker remarked that she couldn't believe we'd been married only two years, as we seem so comfortable together - I told her we were together 5 now, so that's probably why. That and we've been through so much crap since we got together - his psycho ex, financial issues, my dad stress, surgeries, etc etc that is something was going to torpedo us it would have already happened.

It is so amazingly awesome to have a spouse that I not only adore more than anything, is my best friend, but I trust 100%. I had an ex-husband that I couldn't trust at all, and it devastated me when his web of lies came crashing down. I have a 0% chance of this happening to me again, and it's such a great, secure feeling. We genuinely LIKE and respect each other not only as partners but as people, and having infidelity would be impossible as a result. It hasn't always been wine and roses, but it's real, and I know in my heart he's my forever love.

<3

And so it goes.

Well, a couple of really good things have happened - Dad is approved for Medicaid. :) Huge stress relief there. What a nightmare going through the process.

Had a normal pap, so I'm back to YEARLY EXAMS!! Woo!

This morning Dave got a call from the daycare. It seems our son has been suspended from daycare for the rest of the week, as a result of saying something highly inappropriate about rape to another (male) child.

My first hope is that J honestly doesn't know what this means. I guarantee he will know how vile, hurtful, and awful this is when I am done with him tonight.

My next thought is, where in the HELL did he hear this??? My first inclination is to think that it was at his biomom's house, as he's come back spouting several inappropriate things. Could be school too.

I hope I can adequately explain the horror of sexual assault to him, and instill some feminist values in him too. No kid of mine is going to be talking such horror. We are stunned, and have no idea how to punish him for this.

The timing is horrible, as we are set to leave for a Spring Break vacation tomorrow for a long weekend.

Back to basics.

I finally, finally bottomed out on junk food.

When I went to the doc the other day the scale was really, really ugly - as in a number I had NEVER seen.

Went to Trader Joes and bought a bunch of healthy stuff.

As soon as my gym is unburied in the garage I'm hitting it.

I'm done feeling tired and worn out all the time.

And so it begins.

Adventures at the Doc.

My whole life my girl parts have been jacked. I got boobs at 11, but no period until 16. When it showed up I was in bed for a week. I have had every medical test done known to man, ruled out every bizarro condition dealing with ovaries and thyroid, and the diagnosis is PolyCystic Ovary Syndrome, or PCOS. Basically, instead of dropping an egg, I make a half assed egg and it hangs out on my ovary with all the other half assed eggs, and they turn into cysts, and my ovaries look like big chunks of cauliflower.

In 2007 I had a scare, as I was "this close" to having Cervical Cancer. There are 4 levels of pre-cancer, and I jumped from level 2 to Level 4 red alert in a month. So I had surgery.

Basically my complete repro system is jacked.

Anyway, I've been begging/joking about a hysterectomy for years. Today my doctor (after slicing and dicing me again) finally took me seriously and we had a discussion.

She told me she understood my decades of hell and would have no problem taking out my uterus. WHAAA? I started to do the happy dance, but she reminded me I would have to keep my ovaries. She said I need to keep them for at least 10 years. Because while they are partially broken (I make basically NO progesterone, and have probably never ovulated in my life) they make plenty of estrogen. The current hormones I am on are a low dose compared to the high dose I'd have to take if she yanked my ovaries.

So losing my uterus would be no periods, but I'd still have to deal with the hot flashes, extra hair, moodswings and other fun that PCOS come with, and still would have to take hormones. So it would only partially solve my problem.

If she took my cervix too, then there would be potential other problems. (Worth the risk if my cervix has gone bad again).

I have decided if I get bad pap results again, I want to have the hysterectomy (including cervix) because I'm not going to play this cancer game anymore. If the results come back normal again, then we came up with a plan where I can continually take hormones and not have periods for as long as I want.

If any of my readers have had a partial hysterectomy, I'd love to hear from you, as I felt like I won the golden ticket and then just had a hugeass disclaimer. LOL

Can't do it now, as one of my boss' is battling cancer, so it would have to be after she's back up and running.

An interesting thing I learned today: when she was checking my ovaries (FUCKING OW) and I was dying, she apologized a bunch. She then told me that basically ovaries are chick testicles, and it's like I was being kicked in the junk, but my junk was already pissed off. Never really thought about it that way.

So I totally got roshambo'd by my doc. Who I still like.