Well.

The VA is telling me my dad doesn't qualify for VA Nursing Home benefits. Am too mad to really break it down for you without lapsing into a profanity filled tirade.

So I applied for Medicaid. I sent the paperwork out today. I hope to God he's approved. If he's not then I am officially S. O. L. and I have no idea what to do next. Except call the VA back, rage, threaten legal action etc etc.

I'm starting to come out of a funk. I can admit now it was a really bad one. I wasn't suicidal, but I laid in bed just wishing I was dead on several occasions. Like, if a stray asteroid fell and wiped me out it would be no big deal for the world and a relief for me. I tried to minimize how awful I felt, as I didn't want anyone to worry and commit my depressed ass or anything, but I sat with my cell phone in my hand for half an hour the other day debating calling the doctor for a SOS mission. I pulled it together ok.

This is the worst bout of depression I have had in a while. This time of year is always bad for me. I had lots of trauma around Christmas (lol) in the past, my mom is about to lose her house and is still devastated by the loss of my Uncle, the Dad stress, and Dave and I have had minor financial problems of our own. I basically backed off of talking to anyone, and no one really seemed to notice or be concerned (except my mom, who knows what it means when she doesn't hear a peep from me). All of this together had me feel worse about myself. I don't ever call anyone to cry/complain, it's just not my style. Typically my cure is to go to the beach for the weekend, but there is no money for that. I also am feeling completely "Mommied Out" and desperately want a vacation from stepparenthood, which won't be coming any time soon, as their mom is still as crazy as ever, and my mom basically admitted the other day she's not going to take them overnight anymore because they are too difficult for her to handle, and they always break something at her house (I guess it happened more than she let me know, as she didn't want me to "feel bad.").

Today I feel exhausted and blase, not completely hopeless. Monday was really bad. I cried at work. I went in the bathroom stall and cried for like 10 minutes. Fortunately no one walked in to see it at the time, and I managed to pull it together.

I'm still kind of feeling sorry for myself. I've been reading Dalai Lama books and "fluff" fiction, as it takes my mind off of it.

My biggest complaint is that I have zero concentration. Even doing things I like. I am just all over the place, and flaky, which is not my M.O.

I'm going to work really hard on getting better. If I have to take off to the beach by myself to snap out of it, I will.