Tuesday, May 31, 2005


I am tired of assuming that people are genuinely sincere and warm hearted and real and actually care about each other. Being cynical is easier. How do I learn to do that?

I pretty much drugged myself all weekend with booze, and dancing, and flirting, the "club life", and that was a lot more fun than focusing my energy on the shitty things going on. But its not reality. My empty bed is reality. It's all a big dance, seducing each other, or at least attempting to, just to know you're still alive. It's fun and all... but I want more. I need more.

I know that creative people are difficult, I place myself in this category, and I'm drawn to people in this category like we are magnets. I'm moody and mercurial, but I love hard and when I'm feeling it I'm so open it blinds me. I just want to turn it off for a while... I feel like I feel things so much heavier than most people, and I'm TIRED of it. This could totally be angsty b.s., but I don't think so. I think its self-preservation.

I'm so close to the end of so many bad things, and so close to getting my dad out here and being able to focus on making the last months/years of his life good. Hearing how happy he is to hear from me is the only thing that reaches me... the love there... how happy he is just to hear my voice.

I don't need a relationship to feel "full." I've been alone six months now, and just because the scab has been fucked with this past week doesn't mean I should yank it off and bleed all over.

But dammit, it would be nice to be able to be with someone, and feel the electricity, and know that there's no one else on Earth that they would want to stand next to like they want to stand next to you, and someone that exhales their soul in a kiss, and someone that sees you for all the beauty that you are, and every time they look at you they paint a portrait in their mind...

Because that's how it is for me. I'm really *there*. And I miss being there, even though I don't know who it is I'm supposed to just Be with. Even though it scares me.

So where are YOU anyway?

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