Friday, October 21, 2005


More VA Hospital Funness with my dad this morning. More fun sitting and reading disgustingly filthy/crusty copies of Parenting Magazine in a room that smells like weird old men and mold. Some cute kids did come sit by me and tell me all about their Halloween plans, so that passed some time.

Got in and the Ortho MD whipped out his latest round of hip ex-rays. My dad is like the Bionic Man - he's been put together so many times that they are going to end up with a 50 pound bar of steel screws after they cremate him. Hahahah. Anyway, the hip joint collapsed around the pin they put in - which isn't good news. BUT, he is generating enough new bone growth that there is a possibility this will be okay. I loved how the MD made this sound like an all around positive result of the surgery - even though I knew better, and he knew I knew better when I started pointing things out on the X rays.

The VA is crap. It still amazes me though, how many of these old dudes are walking around thinking they are in good health when in reality they are barely held together. I guess knowing the reality of the situation wouldn't really help, in fact I was really worried about my dad getting de-railed at what I perceived to be bad news, so I was very thankful for the doctor's discretion.

This messes with my mind a little, as obviously I am all about "honesty is the best policy", yet in this situation I was happy for the skewing of my Dad's condition. I know that he seriously can't handle another surgery, unless it was of course something to completely save his life. I also know for a fact that he doesn't want any kind of life saving surgery. And I will of course, respect his wishes.

There comes a point where you kind of let go of wanting to fix someone. His body was so abused from the drugs, booze, fighting, motorcycle wrecks and various other ailments that its kind of amazing he's here at all. I showed my mother a recent photo of him the other day and she actually cried. She was shocked as to how he looked, and knowing what a prideful man he is how terrible it must be for him to suffer like this. And through all of this also, she has lost her hatred for him and gained compassion for his situation... at the same time fully realizing the karma of his situation.

I don't believe in accidents. I really don't. And I don't think that any of this is an accident.

Likewise, I have some other important things that are happening in my life. A someone. I was up most of the night last night, writing, trying to wrap my mind around all of it - examining feelings new and old, fears, insecurities, motivations - and I know my heart is in this for all the right reasons... and I'm pretty sure his is too. And it's a good thing to feel a little nervous - because this causes you to stop and think before you act out of impulsiveness. It allows nurturing to occur, and timing to work its own karma. I'm not going to screw this up, overanalyze or choke it with irrational fears.
Some things aren't as elusive as I was thinking them to be... I just needed to stop looking so it could smack me in the forehead.

No comments:

Post a Comment