Thursday, October 6, 2005

Pair off.

So last night was better than the night before. Only cried once. I figured it out - it was mourning the future that I was thinking was going to happen with him. I have forgotten one of the crucial and very basic Buddhist teachings - BE HERE NOW. It's attachment to the past or the future that causes suffering.

It's hard to balance because I am so monogamous in nature, and my whole life I've just wanted to be part of a family unit. I suppose that's why I stayed with an abusive asshole for four years.
I haven't really admitted this to anyone but I was thinking about it last night before I fell asleep.

The first time he abused me was three days before we left on our wedding trip. I was too scared and embarrassed to tell anyone. Everyone told me I was moving too fast and I was stubborn and wanted to show all of them that they didn't know what they were talking about. He wanted to marry so fast because he knew his mask would slip if we waited any longer. I blamed it on the stress of the planning, I deluded myself.

Hindsight is always 20-20, and even though I didn't pay attention to that little slice of hell I still ended up getting out. He just about destroyed my self-esteem in the process, but I'm reclaiming that, bit by bit.

But I don't think I'm over it yet. I'm not over being used, abused, and taken advantage of. I still hurt from a very deep place. And I think that I was naive in pinning all my hopes on the future, my dream of finally being "taken care of" before I'd really gotten okay with being alone again.

But who does want to be alone? No one does, but I have to learn to at least being comfortable in doing it.

And now BOTH of my parents are here. Yeah, they don't speak or whatever, and now I'm the one caring for my dad. But they are HERE. And I forget that. They moved here to be with ME. They chose this. And yet I always still feel lonely and unloved? It's obviously in my head...I can feel lonely in a room filled with 10,000 people. And I need to knock that shit off, because its destroying my life.

They are pretty much my only family. No brothers/sisters, two uncles (California and Minnesota) and one Grandma (Minnesota) and I barely know any of them. So the three of us (and now thankfully my stepdad, who I adore) are it for me. So of course I want a husband and at least one kid. Who wouldn't? But expecting that when I start to date someone is just stupid, because dating should be about friendship - friendship with chemistry, if you will, and dammit, I'm going to start dating like a normal person when I am ready to date someone. Like, meeting them somewhere, or god forbid having a guy pick me up and take me somewhere and then going home.

But first I need to be friends with people. Because then I can learn to trust people again, in a non-threatening way. And be loved unconditionally by my friends, because that is low-risk. I can have a rewarding social life without having to be part of a "couple". So when I am ready to be half of a couple it is all for the right reasons.

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