Monday, April 25, 2005


I need more balance in my life right now. I'm totally exhausted, I can't sleep, I'm obsessing about stupid things. I've pinpointed what the problem is though. It's the same problem I've had for years. BALANCE.

For my job I have to be professional, look professional. When I don't bad things happen. It's a conservative office, a conservative industry. Last Friday I forgot my watch and my wrist tattoo (which is TINY, like an inch square) was visible. Granted it is RED, and stands out a little. I got so much crap for this it wasn't even funny. Everyone thinks it was a "end of relationship crisis" inking. Its like dude, it was done clear last year, you have no idea what you are talking about.

So its like I'm schitzophrenic. I have this boring middle class existance from 8-5, Monday through Friday, I hit school 2-4 nights a week depending on my course load, I go out and party my ass off on Friday and Saturday, do laundry Sundays, and I'm totally exhausted all the time. Its like living two parallel lives.

I have 8-5 friends, who have mortgages, and kids, and husbands, and wives, and watch football and listen to the Beatles and are honestly good people. Then I go out on the weekends and feel like an alien sometimes in a club, and the feeling of me being in my element there, who I truly AM, the music and lifestyle I really thrive in is almost like a tease. Its like, nah nah nah, you gave this life up when you gave the club up to marry someone "normal".

Then this "normal" person makes you feel comfortable with this schizo lifestyle, until it becomes a threat to them, until the intensity of connecting with artistic and passionate people becomes something that they can't deal with, and then they try to squelch it out of you, smother you, and then things turn really ugly, and then you leave. And you continue to walk this line.

I got burnt out on the "scene" when I lived back in Boise, the old club days. I got tired of fake friends who tried to be nice just because they wanted in the club for free, or wanted to meet their favorite band, blah blah. It only took me two years of doing it to want out, but I miss it every day.

I miss waking up at 4pm and wandering downstairs and blasting Sisters on the sound board and rocking out. I miss waking up in a mess of guitars and 8 tracks and drumkits and demos. I miss creating every day of my life. I miss insisting on renting a 2 bedroom so I can have a studio. And now in Portland, sometimes I feel like since very few people in the industry know me on a personal level they assume I don't get it.

I'm not particularly bold, I don't have pink hair anymore, and they think I'm not one of "them." And so I don't connect with them, I'm on the fringes, and I refuse to try to sell myself. I'm too old for these B.S. games now. I have issues when I connect from afar with these people, with what they are doing, and I can tell by their reactions to me when I try to smile or start up a conversation that they have no idea what kind of a soul I have, they think I'm some groupie piece of shit. Fuck you, I WAS the fucking band.

People in clubs aren't particularly friendly, smiles aren't returned, people don't B.S. with you while you are in the drink line here. I can sit and talk to anyone and enjoy it, and connect with just about everyone on some level. Because I'm quiet am I assumed to be a snob? And why is it when I meet someone I know I can connect with, I suddenly become SHY, and I hate it! I'm babbling. All I know is I feel totally fucking trapped by this boring job, I really like the paycheck this job brings, it supports me and gives me enough fun money that I can really do what I want to do, but I have very few people to do it with. And on Monday morning I'm totally exhausted, and I didn't even do anything fun last night.

But at least I'm still out of Boise! HA!

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