Adventures at 4:19am

First, a disclaimer... some of you know that I am NOT, repeat, NOT a morning person. In the spirit of this, I'd like to make a list of things that it is acceptable to wake me up for at 4:19 am:

1. You are my hot boyfriend and want sex.
2. You heard something really really cool, like George Bush died, or Daniel Ash is coming to Portland to play.
3. You have a really extravagant gift for me - like a Fender Stratocaster with a sunburst finish, princess cut pink sapphire earrings, or a trip to Jamaica.
4. You are Courtney Taylor. You can wake me up just because. If you don't know who Courtney Taylor is google it.

If its a situation other than this, you should use extreme caution in waking the wrath of a 4 am Sarafina (chances are I may have just passed out).

With that in mind... At 4:19 am "dingdongdingdongdingdong" - rapid fire ringing of my door bell. I'm in a dead sleep, the dog freaks out also and starts barking. I spring out of bed, grab my glasses, and it rings again ... "dingdongdingdongdingdong".

I have one of those little hinged window thingys on my front door, instead of a peep hole. I open it. Upon first glance, in my grogginess I think it might be Mr. Hot Neighbor from next door. Why Hellllooooo there. Then I notice the stocking cap, and the bike, and that this guy isn't hot.

"Yeah?" I ask "

Um Maam, please don't call the authorities, they know I'm out this morning."

"It's 4:00 in the morning."

"Yes Maam, it is." Does he know how much I HATE being called "Maam"? Makes me feel like a fossil.

"What is it that you want?"

"Well, your light was on."

"What?"

"Your light - it was on, I thought you were awake."

I leave my small kitchen light on when I sleep. It illuminates the back porch. Yes, thank you stalker ex for making me a wuss.

"You woke me up at 4:00 to tell me my light was on?" I ask. I'm irritated as hell now and he knows it.

"No Maam... well, see, I'm 1500 miles away from home..."

"What....do....you.... WANT!"

"Um, I need four dollars for..."

I cut him off. "You WHAT? You are panhandling me at my OWN HOUSE and woke me up out of a dead sleep at 4:00 am to do it?"

"Well, your light was on."

"What?"

"Your light... so I know its early, but I'm 1500 miles from home and..."

"NO!" I slam the window and lock it. Only in Portland, dudes.