35. Whiny Post.

Last week I turned 35. There was not a big celebration. My mother bought me some clothes, my grandma bought me a necklace, I got a text from my cousin and the regular slew of impersonal facebook messages. I was feeling a little bit sorry for myself. Then I realized I was being a spoiled brat for being upset I had no presents to open on my birthday. I had food in my belly and a roof over my head, so I needed to suck it up and just deal.

I've been dreaming a lot about my dad, and continual dreams about packing up my dad's things. His birthday is three days before mine and we always used to celebrate together somewhere in the middle. This was also a huge hole this year and the last.

Financially things are a nightmare right now. I had to get a new job. Again. It involves a $4 an hour paycut at the outset. Eventually its supposed to go up $2 or so. Right now is very much an employer's market. My last job that I love ended - the company was bought by a larger company in New Jersey, and New Jersey is where all marketing and office jobs went. I am now an Office Manager for a local business. There's a lot of stress involved, my boss is a stress case and it all rolls downhill. We are still trying to get a groove.

There's been some ugly stuff related to my husband's ex wife's debt and old hospital bills from the boy that are making it difficult to make ends meet. Things are not good right now. We are struggling to save the house, and not finding much help anywhere. He's going to work on getting a garnishment for the judgment we have on his ex wife to help make ends meet. She owes us thousands, and also has never, ever paid her percentage of the kids' medical bills. Who knows what will happen.

I've also had to be paying COBRA prices for insurance, which is nearly $500 a month. With several preexisting conditions, if I let the coverage lapse I am suddenly uninsurable, which is a huge problem. The meds that allow me to get out of bed and work are hundreds a month without insurance, so I might as well pay for it.

I'm just really down and out, and now that I'm this big official ADULT number of 35, I feel like my shit should be together and its so so not. And that kind of makes me feel like a failure.

Still alive and kicking

It’s been a while since I last updated. A whole lot has happened.


In May I lost my job. I got to “resign” under the terms of a settlement agreement I can’t discuss. It all ended up okay, as I quickly found another job, that I absolutely LOVE. Now I am marketing gummy vitamins. This is actually a great product line that my family used long before my employment. I got a slight raise, its close to home, I have a great boss. I love being back in marketing.

The tricky part is I’ve already been talked to about “attendance”. Next time it goes in my “HR File”. I got sick twice and was late twice since I started working here. If only they knew how hard I worked to get here in the morning… knew how I woke up early to take my morning meds, so they could kick in before I had to get there. (These meds have caused me to gain about 20 lbs, as a side effect). How I cry in the shower as I stretch out my muscles. How I hobble around, take twice as long to get into my clothes (especially pants… damn you pants!) as I should because I am so stiff and sore. How I have three lidocaine pain patches that I can apply (for 12 hours – I dread the 12 hours “off” patches), and I have to choose what hurts the most to stick them on. “Hmm, ankles or thighs? Biceps? Definitely my back…” How I would give my left arm to be able to just go back to bed and sit on the heat pad for a while… So, I go to work and pill up if I have to. I have no choice. I feel like I have an 80 year old body. I am just perpetually so, so tired. My body does not want to work. Unless you have FM/CFS I don’t think you can relate to the level of tired that happens. Every cell screams just to be left alone.

I’m not a complainer. I try not to let fibro rule my life. I joke a lot of it off. I usually answer “Fine” or “Good” when asked how I am (unless you are hubby – he is privy to the uncensored answer – ha). I want to work. I want to be able to do whatever I want and not be physically limited. I want to have energy. I am basically “in the closet” about all of this in general. Three people at new job know – immediate boss, office roomie, and a friend I have made here.

The pressure of being the primary breadwinner for a family of four is hard. If it was just me I wouldn’t worry so much. If I could find a decent paying job with some flexibility on hours… if I could just work part time…but there are two kids, a house, a herd of cats and the dog to care for. I need insurance. My job means we are all secure - I lose it and we aren’t. I try to have that motivate me to get out of bed in the morning. Honestly, at least two days a week that is what motivates me to get out of bed. That’s it. If it were just me I’d be living in some hovel watching daytime talk TV. So I guess I should be grateful that I have responsibilities?

One more good thing is that obviously hubby is in this for the long haul, as this has put a strain on a lot of things, and he still loves and supports me through it. I am so lucky.

The gabapentin works. Or better yet, I should say it helps. I know this because if I forget and miss a dose I end up in real bad shape and sit there wondering “Why do I feel like death?” Then it dawns on me. An hour or so later I can function again. I have been bumped up on this drug twice in the last year and a half since I started it. I already am terrified of what I will do when I “max out” on the dose. I hope beyond hope that they have found something else that will work for me.

Right before I lost my job I tried Savella – the “new miracle” drug for fibro. I took ½ of the smallest dose. I ended up throwing up, diarrhea, dizzy, nauseous. We went to the movies as a reward for the kids (it was promised). On the way out I fell over a curb. I ended up in agonizing pain and at the Urgent Care. I had X-rays which revealed that I had only bruised my pelvis, not cracked it. I had contusions and bruises all over my body. It was awful.

God, I hate fibromyalgia.


Vitamins/supplements seem to be helping. I take Calcium, Vitamin D, Omega-3 and a Multi.. I just started to take some D-Ribose, but it’s likely in a low enough dose not to be that helpful. B-12 vitamins help a lot. They get me through the afternoon. Omegas have helped with dry eye and dry mouth. Magnesium Malate is still a major life saver for evening leg cramps and RLS.

My mother and I are doing ok. We have a lighter relationship. I don’t discuss the fibro with her. I don’t discuss anything serious with her, anything I don’t want repeated or given advice about. Just this last weekend I had to cancel a planned lunch with her as I felt bad. I just told her I felt rotten and left it at that. It is working. I wish it was different, but there’s no point in wishing for impossible things. At least we have a relationship.

The kids go with their bio-mom on vacation this weekend for a week. The one gloriously quiet kid free week. This weekend hubby and I are going to Seattle to see the King Tut exhibit. I am concerned that my stupid fibro is going to flare (I’m in a baby flare right now). Usually we walk all over the town exploring. I can’t do that anymore. I am going to have to be more selective over where we go. Hopefully we can find fun places to linger, to stop and people watch. There are certain places I definitely want to go – the Pike Place market, Hot Pot Donuts, La Panier Bakery (Best. Macarons. EVER.), Lowell’s. Then of course we have to go to the Museum to see King Tut and the outlet mall in Tulalip. I have purchased some WONDERFUL shoes (Alegria) that really help foot/knee fatigue, but nothing is a miracle. This is our one chance to have a vacation though, so I’m going to make the most of it.

Oops we did it again.

We took in yet another stray cat.

Her name is Gabrielle. She is about three months old and as big as Madison. LOL. She's part Bengal, so she's going to be a big girl.

Took her to the vet today and made sure nothing serious is going on with her (she was rescued last night). So she's my birthday kitten. LOL

Yes, I am the crazy cat lady.

stupid blogger

I can't comment on anyones blogs! it gives me some crap about "account not being authorized to post on this page" - huh??

Cry, baby.

I've never been a "crier". I HATE crying, and the most humiliating thing I can think of (other than being naked in public) is crying in public.

I didn't grow up in a very demonstrative household (unless being cracked upside the head is demonstrative - lol), and when I met hubby I initially had a really hard time with the amount of physical contact that both he and his children were comfortable with. It took me some time to get used to holding hands in public, or accepting a peck in public or what have you.

Anyway. Work has been extremely challenging, and I got really really nasty and hateful email from my mother last week. I had a major (and I mean MAJOR) fibro flare brought on by the stress there and the stress of being away from home. I don't travel well these days, and being in the car, sleeping in a new place with new smells and new sounds and a new bed was really hard on me, and sleep was elusive. I had a migraine the day before we left, and it carried through Saturday, and I was wiped the entire beach trip.

This made me really ANGRY and one of the ways I express major anger is to, yep, cry. Hubby was a champion and listened to me rant and rave and hate my fibro and worry I'll never make it to Europe (Paris is the one dream I've had my whole life) if I can't even take a 3 hour car ride to the next state etc. So I sprung a major leak.

I came back to work Tuesday, worked half a day, and then couldn't get up Wednesday. Like I slept for 15 hours straight, and then hubby woke me up cause he was worried. I could hardly walk, the muscles in the back of my legs would not work.

I came to work yesterday (Thursday) and barely made it through. I have an office roommate now (maybe only for another month or two - supposed to get more office space soon) and she's a nice person, but being a sales person she is loud. As are the scents of her lotion, her phone, her laugh, her friends that visit all day long etc. I close the door, she opens it. I can't THINK at all when I'm in a deep fibro fog and she's laughing on the phone or something 4 feet from me. I totally, completely, sensory overloaded melted down yesterday.

I bailed out of the office before I started crying, and found one of my friends here (receptionist) and asked her where my other friend (and HR person - there are 4 of them) was - she was out. And my friend asked me if I was ok, and then it just started.

I blubbered and ranted and raved and cried and she hugged me and she cried a little too and then she put me back together again.

Friends that you can do this with are RARE, and I am so blessed to have a few of these kinds of friends. Being able to talk it out with her, and acknowledge it with her understanding, was incredibly healing. I am sick to death of people that don't "get" fibro - the "oh it's all in your head" or "it's all the pills you take" (mom's latest barb involved these) and that "oh, well I'm tired too". There is tired and then there is FIBRO tired, the I can't fucking move or I will cry type of sore. Think of the worst flu you ever had. Remove the puking, and BOOM you have an idea of what it feels like to be in a bad fibro flare. Although I have been known to puke from intense pain, so maybe you can keep that in. I digress.

Anyway, I was a super crab yesterday when I got home, I was mad at work, I was mad at myself for crying and feeling like giving up. Hubby loved me through it and I slept really really well last night.

And today I feel great.

Obviously, that release was what I needed - I needed to throw a mini "its not fair" tantrum and get some of it out. Because yeah, it's NOT fair. I spent the first three decades of my life being a Type A Achiever, simultaneouly going to school and working full time, taking care of my dad, figuring out how to divorce an abuser, being self sufficient. It all hit at once. No one helped put me through school. I did it. I pay these loans. No one paid my rent. I did it, since I was 17 and my mom kicked me out.

And then comes fibro... who made me slow down. Forced me to stop and rest, or I will pay for days and days. I am learning not to take things so seriously. Everything in my house doesn't need to be perfect. I don't lust for $3000 handbags anymore. I have learned the simple pleasure of tuning out to the TV when I am to fogged up to read or knit. Everything has changed.

And today? Today I can handle stupid fibro. I'm strong enough. Thanks to the help of my friends.

I knew it couldn't stay quiet forever.

My mother contacted me again. She sent me an email telling me I was a horrible person just like my father, and accusing me of lying about something that happened like a year ago (my kid apparently told her she was a drunk - and I never told him that, but she claims she could "tell by my face" when she told me that that I did it) and all of these other horrible things - why hasn't she seen the kids, and she wonders what I told them about all of this (answer: nothing).

So I sent her an email basically telling her it is sad she doesn't know me at all, and if she really thinks all that about me then yes, I don't blame her for not wanting to stay away. I would stay away from a person like that too. The thing is though, I know I am NOT that person. My friends (and chosen family) know I am not that person. Someone that gave me half of my DNA should know that too, but her need to be 'right' at all costs is blocking her inability to see really who I am.

I also told her I think she really needs grief counseling, as she hasn't been ok since my uncle died, and that I wish her the best and love her no matter what, as she's my mom. I told her I was done trying to get her to love and accept me, and that I was done trying to save her. I've tried to save her my whole life, from being her emotional spouse to giving her a place to live temporarily when her husband lost his job, to paying her mortgage for her (as a loan) when she was about to lose her house. I did these things out of love for her, and to try to help her. It obviously means nothing.

She of course moved here "because of me" instead of because stepdad burned thru all the job opps in their smaller city. Sigh. She really has demonized me, and I really think she's convinced herself the all of this is true. It's hurtful, but more than that it's sad. It shows me that so many of her relationships likely lack authenticity, as she shows a facet of herself, and then can turn on you completely when things happen that she doesn't like, and completely can alienate herself.

I think our relationship is irreparably damaged. So I feel like I've lost both of my parents, one to death, and one to this. Maybe there can be some neutral interactions if she decides she wants to see the kids, but I can't forsee anything else coming.

The stress interacting with her causes me is bad for my health. Unless she can honestly try to see what's happened in an objective way and let the past be the past there is no way we can move in to the future. I won't allow myself to be attacked like that, not for anyone.

Independence Day

My mother is still not speaking to me. I decided, since we "broke up" to give her some space, and hopefully we would work things out like we have in the past when she's decided to cut me out of her life. So far she is holding steadfast. I have attempted to comment/talk to her on facebook and received no response. I won't beg her to love me, so it is what it is.

My mom is a hairstylist, and I've been fortunate enough to have her style my hair for most of my life. We have often argued about my hair - typically with me wanting it shorter, and she telling me my face is to round or fat or whatever to handle it. Always in my best interest, of course.

Well, I got my hair cut yesterday. Short. REAL short, how I've always wanted it, and it totally felt like freedom, like Independence Day. My new hair girl (recommended by a girl at work) listened to me totally, I liked her a lot. And my hair is amazing... it feels like ME. As I left there yesterday, with my Jennifer Goodwin inspired pixie cut, I couldn't help but grin from ear to ear. It sounds ridiculous, but it was so empowering. And Dave says it's adorable, and I have to say - even cute when I just let it air dry.

Today I was feeling real sick- I couldn't get out of bed, I could hardly walk, my knee wasn't working (I almost took a header at work the other day when the knee just totally went out when I was going up stairs, and it hasn't been the same since - should have had my cane, damnit), and I was exhausted. The kids left, and I woke up just before 2. We watched some DVR'd things (Gloria Steinem documentary on HBO - awesome!) and knit. I chilled out, and it was awesome. I just wish that I felt better.

Here's the Doc/TMI warning -

So I got a bunch of bloodwork and tests done last week. Testing for lupus basically. 2 of the 3 tests came back normal, and the third has been sent to another lab and should be back in 2-3 weeks, but it's looking good that it's not lupus. Anyway, they took urine too to check kidneys. Turns out I had a raging UTI, and had no idea. I have had a lot of pelvic pain, but just figured it was the stupid fibro. Normally in the past when I had a UTI I knew it right away. This time I had no idea. I wish that everyone that said fibro isn't real (cough cough, mom) could know something like this. I have another friend with fibro that just had an abcessed tooth - and again, had no idea. When you live with chronic pain, you just live with it. I don't complain to anyone but my husband, my fibro sisters, and well, this blog. Complaining doesn't help it, and I refuse to be "defined" by a stupid disease.

My husband is my rock. He has weathered this like a champ, when I know many men would have bailed, he stepped up to the plate and has helped me adjust to this the best he can, and he's so understanding... when I say I need to sleep, he makes sure I can sleep. When I say I need something, he's on it. I am so so lucky. I knew I was lucky before to have married my best friend, but this whole "sickness and in health" thing really has come in to play, and I'm thankful for him every day.

I am also thankful that my BFF was able to get her mom to let us stay at her beach house for three days next week. This will be our vacation for the year, period, #1 due to finances, and #2 this is the one week of the year we are kid free (they will be with their bio mom for a week). I have to think of something nice I can do for BFF's mom to thank her for her generosity. I am so looking forward to this - I am sure it will be "chill" - I look forward to some knitting, reading, cuddling with my hubby, and having that amazing salt air heal my soul. YAY BEACH!!