Wednesday, August 24, 2011

I knew it couldn't stay quiet forever.

My mother contacted me again. She sent me an email telling me I was a horrible person just like my father, and accusing me of lying about something that happened like a year ago (my kid apparently told her she was a drunk - and I never told him that, but she claims she could "tell by my face" when she told me that that I did it) and all of these other horrible things - why hasn't she seen the kids, and she wonders what I told them about all of this (answer: nothing).

So I sent her an email basically telling her it is sad she doesn't know me at all, and if she really thinks all that about me then yes, I don't blame her for not wanting to stay away. I would stay away from a person like that too. The thing is though, I know I am NOT that person. My friends (and chosen family) know I am not that person. Someone that gave me half of my DNA should know that too, but her need to be 'right' at all costs is blocking her inability to see really who I am.

I also told her I think she really needs grief counseling, as she hasn't been ok since my uncle died, and that I wish her the best and love her no matter what, as she's my mom. I told her I was done trying to get her to love and accept me, and that I was done trying to save her. I've tried to save her my whole life, from being her emotional spouse to giving her a place to live temporarily when her husband lost his job, to paying her mortgage for her (as a loan) when she was about to lose her house. I did these things out of love for her, and to try to help her. It obviously means nothing.

She of course moved here "because of me" instead of because stepdad burned thru all the job opps in their smaller city. Sigh. She really has demonized me, and I really think she's convinced herself the all of this is true. It's hurtful, but more than that it's sad. It shows me that so many of her relationships likely lack authenticity, as she shows a facet of herself, and then can turn on you completely when things happen that she doesn't like, and completely can alienate herself.

I think our relationship is irreparably damaged. So I feel like I've lost both of my parents, one to death, and one to this. Maybe there can be some neutral interactions if she decides she wants to see the kids, but I can't forsee anything else coming.

The stress interacting with her causes me is bad for my health. Unless she can honestly try to see what's happened in an objective way and let the past be the past there is no way we can move in to the future. I won't allow myself to be attacked like that, not for anyone.


  1. i don't have much to say but hugs to you.

  2. This is awful for you. I think you are right to steer well clear of her if she doesn't change. No one should be called horrible. I was, when my family were in crisis. My mum was dying, and my ndad and nbro ( and his appalling nwife) needed a scapegoat. I still haven't forgiven them for the hell they put me through because they couldn't deal with mum's illness. I do see my dad still, but keep it low contact, and have successfully laid some boundaries down so that he doesn't do the arrogant bit and walk all over worked quite well to be honest. My Narc sibs don't know what is going on because I have withdrawn their Nsupply from them. hugs and good wishes to you. Be happy xxxxx

  3. It is so sad when people like your Mom can't see the "forest for the trees" You are an amazing daughter for setting the boundaries and letting her know your truth. That takes amazing courage and that is how I see you - a most courageous and wise woman far beyond your years. While it can be hard sometimes to confront our past, you have done it with dignity and respect. Big hugs to you Sarafina! I'm so proud of you!