I've got a raging case of bronchitis. LOL. It's always something... I do have antibiotics though, so life should be good soon. I've been sick a week now and missed 2 days of work, fun times. I'm officially out of sick time now, and vacation, so any more sickness is money out of the paycheck. Not good. So sucking it up has commenced.
Poor Dave has my crud now too - hopefully he won't get it as bad as I do.
I started the South Beach Diet on Monday. Holy crap it's hard. LOL. I don't remember it being this hard when I detoxed last time I did this. I did notice my urge is to comfort myself with junk when I don't feel good, so that is one thing I've already learned. He made the mistake of eating licorice in front of me and I freaked out last night. LOL.
The fact that it is this hard tells me that it's likely something that needed to be done. I know I definitely needed to get off of the processed sugar. I'm thinking about dropping the rest of the phase one (no fruit! AUGH!) and going into phase two (healthy carbs) so I don't completely fall off of the wagon. I know the weight drops slower, but I need to get into something that I don't feel so damn deprived on. This is why diets continue to fail me.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
It's been a while.
Yep, it's me again - the long lost blogger. I haven't blogged in so long as I've had many things going on and zero leftover energy. I'm at a point now where I'm coming back to myself, and so here I am.
That whole feeling like hell every day of my life thing that was going on? It has a name now - Fibromyalgia.
In the interest of perhaps helping someone else who may be struggling, I'm going to get into the gory details.
After going through every test known to man, that's the diagnosis. It's a baffling and confusing disease, and it's a little bit different for everyone, but here's what mine looks like:
Constant fatigue
Pain - everywhere, everyday - making things like walking up a flight of stairs, or trying to brush my hair nearly impossible
Extra clumsiness - I had many unfortunate accidents with furniture and the like
Brain "fog" - aphasia, not remembering words that were at the tip of my tongue, multi-tasking was out the window
Insomnia
Migraines - oh the migraines -
Irritable Bowel Symptoms (fun fun)
TMJ
Painful menstrual periods
Having to cancel plans CONSTANTLY because I literally couldn't get out of bed, putting major strain on friendships
Sensitivity to everything (light, odors, sounds, temperature - too hot, too cold)
Being so sore I don't even want to be touched/hugged
Sensitive to clothes, especially tags or anything with texture
Vicodin didn't work at ALL
and generally feeling completely worthless.
Trying to pick up my electric guitar and play - impossible. The pain brought me to my knees.
Exercise? HAH! I would stumble into bed as soon as humanely possible after work, IF I was able to go to work. Forget about motorcycle riding and standing for hours at concerts - you know, the things that put me in a state of bliss? The things that made me me? GONE.
So in the last six months I've been learning how to make peace with this chronic disease. At first I thought it was just the grief of losing my dad, and I was having a hard time. But soon it became clear that the things that have haunted me my whole life (tummy troubles and headaches, clumsiness) had been turned up to an 11 on the scale of 1-10, and something was wrong.
I finally made my way to a wonderful rheumatologist in March, who ruled out arthiritis (turns out I do have a bit in my hands, and with both parents having major issues with this, it is also in my future) and took one look at me, touched my "trigger points" (which about made me fly off of her table), and knew what was up. I was also diagnosed with Restless Leg Syndrome, which actually can affect yours arms too (as it does in me) Literally, thank God for her and her knowledge!!
She took my blood samples and I was dangerously deficient in magnesium, iron, and Vitamin D. So I get to take 50,000IU of Vit D a week now (don't try this at home kids), I take Magnesium Malate at 625mg daily, and am no longer a vegetarian.
Yeah, huge changes.
But the upside is, um, I really like bacon. HA I need to move into a more "low carb" lifestyle, to avoid insulin resistance, which is already an issue for me, and common also in Fibro.
As far as the med regimen, here's what that looks like:
Cymbalta 60mg (daily) - I was already on this dose for depression, turns out it helps fibromyalgia too
Flexeril - 5mg-10mg as needed - this is a muscle relaxer
Ultram - 50-100mg as needed - this is a pain killer, that is not an opiate like Vicodin, and it works BETTER for fibromyalgia than Vicodin
(Note: there is a risk of seizure with the combo of the above three meds, as they all increase serotonin, which can lead to serotonin syndrome - which has a very specific list of symptoms, and fortunately this has not been an issue with me)
and my new BEST FRIEND - the MIRACLE in my life - Gabapentin, 300mg, 3X a day - I've just contacted Doc to see if I can take this 4X a day, as I'm discovering between hour 5 and 6 it wears off and the pain starts stabbing into me again. The first dose I took it knocked me OUT cold and I woke up feeling like I was 15 again and high on pot. Dose two went much better (no pass out) and by dose three it was like I had my life back. I could have cried, but that just would have given me a headache. ;)
The downside is some people gain weight on it. I have noticed I want to eat, oh, everything in sight, and it's almost like the pot induced "munchies" so I do have to be careful here, as I don't need "help" in that department either...ugh
I am a bit "loopy" on the gabapentin, which I guess will fade in time with the gabapentin, but it's like a complete relief not having that constant agony. I can WORK. I can THINK better, not trying to grit my teeth through the pain and literally count the minutes until I can get out my clothes and into my soft, worn jammies and pass out.
So while everyone's chemistry is different, I thought I'd share my brand of Fibro cocktail.
Job is going well - I applied for FMLA when I got the fibro diagnosis, and was approved - so now that I'm basically out of sick and vacation time, I can have unpaid time due to the Fibro as needed and not get fired - which is a huge relief. It's hard, because I don't like being "sick" but at the same time I need to be open with friends/family/employer what's going on.
To top things off, my mother doesn't think Fibromyalgia is "real" - it's a hypochondriac disease. Yeah... that's why a med for nerve pain works miracles Ma, it's all in my head. Sigh. Unfortunately this stance of hers has alienated me somewhat from her and hurt my feelings, and we are a bit distanced at the time. I don't like it, but at the same time she can be toxic about things like this, and adapt a "know it all" attitude about things, and I do NOT need that right now.
Dave has been an absolute champion - picking up the slack when I'm too tired and sore to cook, clean, help with homework, etc - not getting pissed at me when I'm too sore to have sex, when I cry about how horrible I feel, when I am a huge blubbering mess. Thank God I married a good man.
I also have to give a shout out to diabetic socks - I could not handle the pain/pressure regular socks brought, and someone suggested this fix - and man, did that help!
That whole feeling like hell every day of my life thing that was going on? It has a name now - Fibromyalgia.
In the interest of perhaps helping someone else who may be struggling, I'm going to get into the gory details.
After going through every test known to man, that's the diagnosis. It's a baffling and confusing disease, and it's a little bit different for everyone, but here's what mine looks like:
Constant fatigue
Pain - everywhere, everyday - making things like walking up a flight of stairs, or trying to brush my hair nearly impossible
Extra clumsiness - I had many unfortunate accidents with furniture and the like
Brain "fog" - aphasia, not remembering words that were at the tip of my tongue, multi-tasking was out the window
Insomnia
Migraines - oh the migraines -
Irritable Bowel Symptoms (fun fun)
TMJ
Painful menstrual periods
Having to cancel plans CONSTANTLY because I literally couldn't get out of bed, putting major strain on friendships
Sensitivity to everything (light, odors, sounds, temperature - too hot, too cold)
Being so sore I don't even want to be touched/hugged
Sensitive to clothes, especially tags or anything with texture
Vicodin didn't work at ALL
and generally feeling completely worthless.
Trying to pick up my electric guitar and play - impossible. The pain brought me to my knees.
Exercise? HAH! I would stumble into bed as soon as humanely possible after work, IF I was able to go to work. Forget about motorcycle riding and standing for hours at concerts - you know, the things that put me in a state of bliss? The things that made me me? GONE.
So in the last six months I've been learning how to make peace with this chronic disease. At first I thought it was just the grief of losing my dad, and I was having a hard time. But soon it became clear that the things that have haunted me my whole life (tummy troubles and headaches, clumsiness) had been turned up to an 11 on the scale of 1-10, and something was wrong.
I finally made my way to a wonderful rheumatologist in March, who ruled out arthiritis (turns out I do have a bit in my hands, and with both parents having major issues with this, it is also in my future) and took one look at me, touched my "trigger points" (which about made me fly off of her table), and knew what was up. I was also diagnosed with Restless Leg Syndrome, which actually can affect yours arms too (as it does in me) Literally, thank God for her and her knowledge!!
She took my blood samples and I was dangerously deficient in magnesium, iron, and Vitamin D. So I get to take 50,000IU of Vit D a week now (don't try this at home kids), I take Magnesium Malate at 625mg daily, and am no longer a vegetarian.
Yeah, huge changes.
But the upside is, um, I really like bacon. HA I need to move into a more "low carb" lifestyle, to avoid insulin resistance, which is already an issue for me, and common also in Fibro.
As far as the med regimen, here's what that looks like:
Cymbalta 60mg (daily) - I was already on this dose for depression, turns out it helps fibromyalgia too
Flexeril - 5mg-10mg as needed - this is a muscle relaxer
Ultram - 50-100mg as needed - this is a pain killer, that is not an opiate like Vicodin, and it works BETTER for fibromyalgia than Vicodin
(Note: there is a risk of seizure with the combo of the above three meds, as they all increase serotonin, which can lead to serotonin syndrome - which has a very specific list of symptoms, and fortunately this has not been an issue with me)
and my new BEST FRIEND - the MIRACLE in my life - Gabapentin, 300mg, 3X a day - I've just contacted Doc to see if I can take this 4X a day, as I'm discovering between hour 5 and 6 it wears off and the pain starts stabbing into me again. The first dose I took it knocked me OUT cold and I woke up feeling like I was 15 again and high on pot. Dose two went much better (no pass out) and by dose three it was like I had my life back. I could have cried, but that just would have given me a headache. ;)
The downside is some people gain weight on it. I have noticed I want to eat, oh, everything in sight, and it's almost like the pot induced "munchies" so I do have to be careful here, as I don't need "help" in that department either...ugh
I am a bit "loopy" on the gabapentin, which I guess will fade in time with the gabapentin, but it's like a complete relief not having that constant agony. I can WORK. I can THINK better, not trying to grit my teeth through the pain and literally count the minutes until I can get out my clothes and into my soft, worn jammies and pass out.
So while everyone's chemistry is different, I thought I'd share my brand of Fibro cocktail.
Job is going well - I applied for FMLA when I got the fibro diagnosis, and was approved - so now that I'm basically out of sick and vacation time, I can have unpaid time due to the Fibro as needed and not get fired - which is a huge relief. It's hard, because I don't like being "sick" but at the same time I need to be open with friends/family/employer what's going on.
To top things off, my mother doesn't think Fibromyalgia is "real" - it's a hypochondriac disease. Yeah... that's why a med for nerve pain works miracles Ma, it's all in my head. Sigh. Unfortunately this stance of hers has alienated me somewhat from her and hurt my feelings, and we are a bit distanced at the time. I don't like it, but at the same time she can be toxic about things like this, and adapt a "know it all" attitude about things, and I do NOT need that right now.
Dave has been an absolute champion - picking up the slack when I'm too tired and sore to cook, clean, help with homework, etc - not getting pissed at me when I'm too sore to have sex, when I cry about how horrible I feel, when I am a huge blubbering mess. Thank God I married a good man.
I also have to give a shout out to diabetic socks - I could not handle the pain/pressure regular socks brought, and someone suggested this fix - and man, did that help!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
R.I.P.
R. I. P. Isabelle Caro - another victim of anorexia.
She did a ton to try to help other people.
So sad.
She did a ton to try to help other people.
So sad.
Year end wrap up.
This year has been a very active one. Some crazy things have happened: losing Dad (although the dementia took him a long time ago, I guess), my stepson's hospitalization, financial worries, a cancer scare with my mother. There are some things to be grateful for also: Dad BEAT dementia! He was set free from the prison of his mind and body slowly failing. I was fortunate enough to have a job change, which was a huge positivity in my life. And hubby and I are closer than ever after weathering so many crisis situations in the past year. I took up knitting, which is like psychotherapy but a lot cheaper and WAY more fun. And of course there was the arrival of my furbaby, love of my life, Madison, who is like my heart walking around outside my body.
So while I am SO SO ready for 2010 to go away, I am trying to remain thankful for the good things that happened too.
My main goals for 2011 are:
- Get in better financial shape. I did a whole lot of stress shopping this year, and it's time to pay off those credit cards and save an emergency fund once and for all. I've already got a good start on this, as I've sold 95% of my "luxury" items (jewelry, bags etc) to pay off some of this debt. Hopefully the tax refund will help with this also. NO BOREDOM/STRESS SHOPPING.
-Be more assertive with setting boundaries with those I love. Being able to say "NO" when I can't do something without guilt. Taking better care of myself.
-Eating better. Been slowly cutting out the junk food, keep on this path. If weight loss happens, then it happens. I just want to feel better and have a good energy level.
So while I am SO SO ready for 2010 to go away, I am trying to remain thankful for the good things that happened too.
My main goals for 2011 are:
- Get in better financial shape. I did a whole lot of stress shopping this year, and it's time to pay off those credit cards and save an emergency fund once and for all. I've already got a good start on this, as I've sold 95% of my "luxury" items (jewelry, bags etc) to pay off some of this debt. Hopefully the tax refund will help with this also. NO BOREDOM/STRESS SHOPPING.
-Be more assertive with setting boundaries with those I love. Being able to say "NO" when I can't do something without guilt. Taking better care of myself.
-Eating better. Been slowly cutting out the junk food, keep on this path. If weight loss happens, then it happens. I just want to feel better and have a good energy level.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Getting in the spirit.
Starting to get in the spirit of the Holiday, which is good because it's only a couple of days away.
I'm knitting my last project that is a gift, and I should finish it tonight. I keep debating whether I want to make spritz cookies this year (it's an annual decision) because almost everyone I know is dieting, including my parents. So no one will really eat them, and I can't eat them all. Maybe I'll make one batch for us, because they are so good.
Missing dad at strange moments - not so much strange, now that I think about it, but random moments. Last night we were watching the Tom Jones Christmas special (an annual tradition now - yay! LOL) and my eyes were leaky at "I'll Be Home For Christmas." I miss him in a visceral way that I didn't really expect. It's been 6 months now, but this pops up occasionally.
Hubby is done with school until Spring - thank God - it seems to have helped his mood a lot. Things with he and I have been really good lately, he's been super helpful around the house and I feel less stressed out as a result. I've had some medical issues going on (still not quite pinpointed) and have been able to do less than I would like. Having help helps my mindset. Still waiting for an appointment (referral supposedly coming) from the rheumatologist, who should hopefully get me an accurate diagnosis.
My mom and stepdad are coming over for Christmas Eve. Last year we went low key and just made a bunch of snacks/appetizers and we enjoyed it so much we are going that route again this year. Christmas Eve is typically the big 'event' more than Christmas Day, as that's when presents are opened (stockings on Christmas Day).
Work is still going great - I am so thankful to have a bit of flexibility in my schedule for when I don't feel good, and a much lower stress level.
I've started knitting a purse/tote, its my first foray into knitting in the round. It took me a few tries to start it, but now I'm cooking on it. I decided it's time for me to branch out and try some new things. I won't let my perfectionistic attitude stop me from trying to knit different things. It's a mental block I've had since I was a kid - I came from two demanding, perfectionistic parents - where 2nd place was losing. I continually work on being more kind to myself and allowing myself to fail with a smile, and keep trying.
I'm knitting my last project that is a gift, and I should finish it tonight. I keep debating whether I want to make spritz cookies this year (it's an annual decision) because almost everyone I know is dieting, including my parents. So no one will really eat them, and I can't eat them all. Maybe I'll make one batch for us, because they are so good.
Missing dad at strange moments - not so much strange, now that I think about it, but random moments. Last night we were watching the Tom Jones Christmas special (an annual tradition now - yay! LOL) and my eyes were leaky at "I'll Be Home For Christmas." I miss him in a visceral way that I didn't really expect. It's been 6 months now, but this pops up occasionally.
Hubby is done with school until Spring - thank God - it seems to have helped his mood a lot. Things with he and I have been really good lately, he's been super helpful around the house and I feel less stressed out as a result. I've had some medical issues going on (still not quite pinpointed) and have been able to do less than I would like. Having help helps my mindset. Still waiting for an appointment (referral supposedly coming) from the rheumatologist, who should hopefully get me an accurate diagnosis.
My mom and stepdad are coming over for Christmas Eve. Last year we went low key and just made a bunch of snacks/appetizers and we enjoyed it so much we are going that route again this year. Christmas Eve is typically the big 'event' more than Christmas Day, as that's when presents are opened (stockings on Christmas Day).
Work is still going great - I am so thankful to have a bit of flexibility in my schedule for when I don't feel good, and a much lower stress level.
I've started knitting a purse/tote, its my first foray into knitting in the round. It took me a few tries to start it, but now I'm cooking on it. I decided it's time for me to branch out and try some new things. I won't let my perfectionistic attitude stop me from trying to knit different things. It's a mental block I've had since I was a kid - I came from two demanding, perfectionistic parents - where 2nd place was losing. I continually work on being more kind to myself and allowing myself to fail with a smile, and keep trying.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Closer...
Things are getting closer to being not so stressful.
Despite several setbacks, Family Court went hubby's way yesterday. The current visitation schedule for the kids biomom (8 hours twice a month) held. Thank you God!!! They played dirty, real dirty, but fortunately the judge saw the truth in it all.
I'm getting closer to an official diagnosis of why the hell I hurt/ache every day of my life. The allergist ran a bunch of bloodwork to rule out Celiac's (my grandma had it) and rheumatoid arthritis (mom has it). He did so, but my internist (primary care) said not so fast on the RA. I have some high inflammation somewhere in my body according to bloodwork, so he is referring me to a rhreumatologist to rule out RA and some other scary things. When that's done, then it's "just" the fibromyalgia. He wants to make sure that there isn't something else masquerading as fibro in there.
Also wants me to do a sleep study, as apparently sleep apnea can cause some of the issues I'm having. He also redid the bloodwork to see how the inflammation looks now vs. last week.
Trying not to freak out with all of these scary disease labels being thrown around, and just chill until all the tests are done, but it's kind of hard. I am not interested in whatever "label" they want to attach, I just want to feel better.
Despite several setbacks, Family Court went hubby's way yesterday. The current visitation schedule for the kids biomom (8 hours twice a month) held. Thank you God!!! They played dirty, real dirty, but fortunately the judge saw the truth in it all.
I'm getting closer to an official diagnosis of why the hell I hurt/ache every day of my life. The allergist ran a bunch of bloodwork to rule out Celiac's (my grandma had it) and rheumatoid arthritis (mom has it). He did so, but my internist (primary care) said not so fast on the RA. I have some high inflammation somewhere in my body according to bloodwork, so he is referring me to a rhreumatologist to rule out RA and some other scary things. When that's done, then it's "just" the fibromyalgia. He wants to make sure that there isn't something else masquerading as fibro in there.
Also wants me to do a sleep study, as apparently sleep apnea can cause some of the issues I'm having. He also redid the bloodwork to see how the inflammation looks now vs. last week.
Trying not to freak out with all of these scary disease labels being thrown around, and just chill until all the tests are done, but it's kind of hard. I am not interested in whatever "label" they want to attach, I just want to feel better.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Honored.
Yesterday I received a huge honor.
I have a friend, who I met on the internet a year or so ago, and we've become really close emotionally. She lives in Colorado Springs, and we haven't hung in person yet, but have plans to do so in March in Las Vegas (paaaartay!). One of the things we have in common is our huge love for animals.
She has been kicking around starting a non-profit to help pay for pets medical expenses when their moms/dads can't afford it. In her case, one of her beloved dogs had cancer. She was lucky enough that she had the funds for his treatment, and she's had 2 more years (so far) with her furbaby.
So she is getting ready to file the paperwork for her nonprofit, called "2 More Years" and she did me the honor of asking me if I'd be on her Board of Directors today. I of course accepted, and was honored to do so.
This meant to much to me, her trust in me, and our friendship. And when I felt all teary about it, I also noticed when I was knitting quietly lately, I felt a sense of triumph - the geeky nerd from my youth and the outcast of my teenage angst years was accepted by "the cool kid." (My friend is funny, smart etc. - and happens to be supermodel-level thin and gorgeous...)
Odd feeling, and I guess what I'm saying is I didn't realize how much my self esteem still needs improvement and how important it is for me to feel like I belong somewhere. I guess I still feel like the outsider, when it comes to my insides. Not sure how to fix it, but you can bet I'm going to keep trying.
I went to the doctor yesterday, an allergist/immunologist this time. We are still trying to pinpoint the causes of my constant fatigue and aches and basically daily headaches. Blood was taken to check for Crohn's and for rheumatoid arthiritis. I'm worried something will come back as positive, but almost hoping something will come back as I'm so sick to death of feeling exhausted and sore every day of my life and having no real explanation. When lifting your coffee mug literally hurts and tires you out there is a problem. Fibromyalgia has been thrown around in the past, but there's really no "test" for it other than a list of symptoms. Hell, I don't know. I just want to feel better, and not have them all think I'm a hypochondriac.
I have a friend, who I met on the internet a year or so ago, and we've become really close emotionally. She lives in Colorado Springs, and we haven't hung in person yet, but have plans to do so in March in Las Vegas (paaaartay!). One of the things we have in common is our huge love for animals.
She has been kicking around starting a non-profit to help pay for pets medical expenses when their moms/dads can't afford it. In her case, one of her beloved dogs had cancer. She was lucky enough that she had the funds for his treatment, and she's had 2 more years (so far) with her furbaby.
So she is getting ready to file the paperwork for her nonprofit, called "2 More Years" and she did me the honor of asking me if I'd be on her Board of Directors today. I of course accepted, and was honored to do so.
This meant to much to me, her trust in me, and our friendship. And when I felt all teary about it, I also noticed when I was knitting quietly lately, I felt a sense of triumph - the geeky nerd from my youth and the outcast of my teenage angst years was accepted by "the cool kid." (My friend is funny, smart etc. - and happens to be supermodel-level thin and gorgeous...)
Odd feeling, and I guess what I'm saying is I didn't realize how much my self esteem still needs improvement and how important it is for me to feel like I belong somewhere. I guess I still feel like the outsider, when it comes to my insides. Not sure how to fix it, but you can bet I'm going to keep trying.
I went to the doctor yesterday, an allergist/immunologist this time. We are still trying to pinpoint the causes of my constant fatigue and aches and basically daily headaches. Blood was taken to check for Crohn's and for rheumatoid arthiritis. I'm worried something will come back as positive, but almost hoping something will come back as I'm so sick to death of feeling exhausted and sore every day of my life and having no real explanation. When lifting your coffee mug literally hurts and tires you out there is a problem. Fibromyalgia has been thrown around in the past, but there's really no "test" for it other than a list of symptoms. Hell, I don't know. I just want to feel better, and not have them all think I'm a hypochondriac.
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