Pebbles.

Why am I still awake? Because I'm a huge sucker and can't sleep without Dave around now. How bizarre is that?

And why isn't Dave around, you ask?

Well. Winter was complaining that her ears hurt tonight. After Dave sat her down and started to talk to her about why her ears hurt she admitted she put the little plastic pebbles from the school pseudo-sandbox (psuedo because its a giant box filled with plastic pebbles instead of sand to dig in) in her ears. Both of them. We tried flushing with warm water and were unsuccessful.
So Dave is currently at the Kaiser in Portland having the doctor dig the little things out of her ears.

While Dave was on the phone with Kaiser she howled loudly until I scooped her up in my lap and told her that her screaming was scaring the dog, and if she was quiet the dog would come see us. She quieted down, snuggled into me and the dog and passed out until Dave was ready to take her to the hospital.

Moments like that are really great... I get to be her mom when she needs it.

P.S. 13 days until my lasik. WOOOT! If anyone has GOOD stories to tell me, please do, as I'm done hearing horror stories of corneas mangled.

P.P.S. Today I got paid and I went on a HUGE record binge on ebay and an import site I found. Bad me. I know I'll be at 600 albums before year's end. HAHAH!!!

Growing Pains.

I remember the first time he stole my heart. We were walking around my old 'Hood in Portland, headed to his favorite restaurant - Nothing But Noodles.

In his 5-year old innocence, he looked up at me with his big blue eyes and said "Sara, will you be my next mom? I don't want Brandy to be my mom anymore."

If I had a dollar for every time he said "My Sara, you look so beautiful today," or "Sara, you're my favorite woman in the WHOLE world," or my personal favorite: "I love you more than 4 billion and three people" I'd never have to work again.

The boy who wants snuggle time, takes pride when we are out and someone says he looks just like me, isn't mine anymore... she took him back. Because she had him first.

All it took was two measly visits with her. Two visits to her slum, surrounded by strangers, the freedom to choose inappropriate movies and video games, and her willingness to be manipulated by his now 7 year old mind - he whined he NEVER gets to play outside at our house... never... despite my effort last Sunday when I was sick, and I took him and his sister outside, taught them how to throw a frisbee, planted some seedlings with them, watched them play and laugh and perform "tricks" to me in the yard, as their dad was busy inside doing homework... despite that I spent over three hours teaching the two of them how to play Old Maid, War, and endless hands of Go Fish...

Now SHE is back and I am nothing.

At dinner tonight I made a comment I have made hundreds of times before, "Well son, that's just the way it is."

"Why did you call me son?" he asked - and then the glare.

I said nothing. I didn't know what to say. Instead I was haunted by future visions of his 14 year old anger, screaming at me "You can't tell me what to do! You're not my mother!" and me yelling back "You know what? You're right! But you have to listen to me anyway!"

He will never know that I didn't take fertility treatments, that I didn't try for a baby of my own, which I want more than anything, because I knew he needed me more than the unborn child I didn't have did. That they both would need me more, because she will let them down again and again, and I will be there to help them up. He will never know that sacrifice. He will just hate me instead, because SHE will hate me. He will protect her broken and pathetic existence because He is Hers.

His sister isn't lost to me yet. She came in after daycare today and yelled, "Mommy Sara! I'm hooooome!" and rushed back to show me the penny she found today that she was so excited she gets to keep... she came out to dig in the plants with me, and she asked me if I would tuck her in.

She still wants me. For now.

Will I have to lose her too?

About five minutes before bed he asked me if I wanted to play "Operation" - a last minute ruse to avoid bed time.

"No Jori, there's not time." I said.

Raising another woman's children just might break my heart. Sometimes I really wonder if it's worth it and I just want to be called "Mom" again and feel it's true.

Updating.

I made reservations in Rockaway Beach and we took off for the weekend. It was a good time. :) We watched a lot of Viva La Bam while we had a few drinks, played cards, shopped, and walked on the beach.
The coolest thing is I applied for graduation for my AA (finally) - I have all the credits done, I just need 6 more "specified electives" to get the college to give me the degree (some stupid rule about last 45 credits need to be from there). I want the piece of paper before I transfer to Washington State. I'll have it in my hands and on my transcripts in December.

My uncle went back under the knife again - we are all worried sick about him. He's tough, and a fighter, but this is the last time they can remove tumors due to scar tissue. There's only drugs left after this if it comes back. I pray they got it all and he's good as new now. It was in the same area the big tumor was, so hopefully it was just leftover.

In idiot news, I dropped a full glass jar of dip on my foot last night (and it bounced, leaving two lovely purple half moons on the top of my foot). Initially I thought I broke my foot but now its just all bruised, swollen and screwed up (no range of motion etc). I'm sure I screwed up some ligaments or something. I can stand on it, even though it hurts, so I know its not broken. Dave took good care of me as I fought back tears sitting with it elevated and iced, and yelled at me to lie down when I was hobbling around doing laundry. He knows that if I'm crying over an injury its a nasty one. HAHAH! Shoes suck, but my Uggs don't make me wince in horrible pain, so I just wore those today. HAHAHA

Returned.

I have returned from Colorado - aka Redneck Republican Evangelical Twilight Zone. Ohh yes. There should have been a TV camera following me around - "Look at the city girl! Sleeping in a room with $500,000 worth of firearms and dead animals surrounding her! Look at her miraculously manage to keep her mouth shut as the Bible thumpers tell her that George Bush was sent from God to save the country and Newt Gengrich should be our next president! Look at her run in fear from the scorpions in the yard!" I survived. They are nice nice people. Just very... different. In a 180 degree different world than I am in. It was bizarre. I'm still glad I went though. It meant a lot to both of them, I know. Lots of sun and going to bed early.

Took Dad to the doctor today. Was a very good and a not so good day there. Was good because he was in a real good mood. I shared with him Dave and I are engaged and he was real positive about it - he said "I like Dave, he's a good kid" and patted me on the knee. Asked me a couple questions about the kids etc. I half expected him to flip me a bunch of crap about my divorce or something but he was 100% positive.

He took a memory/dementia test - its 20 questions - basics like "What city are we in?" "What year are we in?" to "Spell 'World' for me." In the past 2 years he's gotten scores of 14-16. January he got a 14. Today he got a 9. Not good. So she's put him on another dementia drug, because his memory is slipping at a pretty alarming rate. The antidepressants seem to work though. He's not feeling social at all still but he's not as crabby.

He's still having very vivid dreams about cops showing up, parties upstairs, people in his room playing guitar, bugs biting him etc. The doctor very logically walked him through what was happening at night and got him to realize these are very vivid dreams and not really happening because they just aren't possible, as he's been insisting to me they have been. None of his "But you don't live here!!" shit. So that was also positive.

The best thing is though that she ordered him a special walker - he's so tall that he despises the "regular" one - he has to hunch over to use it, which hurts his back, so he only uses that damn worthless cane. So he's pretty excited about the new walker, as it makes getting around SO much easier. I'm relieved because he's so wobbly all the time that this will really help prevent a fall. I will worry much less about him with it.

Sidenote: if there's anyone in the PDX area that knows where I might donate his old walker (I want it to go to someone that really NEEDS it and isn't just too cheap to buy one) please let me know. The VA isn't the place to donate - as he got his newest one free from the VA...
After the doc appointment I asked if I could take him out to dinner. I asked if he wanted steak, pasta, anything. He picked KFC. HAHAH!!

Then the best part of today - when I dropped him off I kissed his cheek and told him I loved him and he told me "Thank you for dinner and such a nice day today." I about fell over. It's moments like that I will treasure when he's gone.

Dadness.

To TRY to make a long story short: Wednesday when I was taking my math test, I turned the ringer off of my phone, and neglected to turn it back on when I was done. As a result I missed a call from Old Person Fuckwit Central - "Uh, Hi, your dad is out of Mirtziapine. Please being us more."

YES, this is the very same drug that I confirmed with the head nurse over there lsdt week that there was an ENTIRE NEW BOTTLE of it, just like I said, that they found.

Well apparently the Med Aid didn't find it because she's FUCKING DUMB and so yup - my dad didn't get his antidepressant on Wednesday night.

GAME OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I gave his 30 day notice, and then wrote a big long letter to the corporate office hammering out how that place is disorganized and really let my dad down. I've said it before, and I will say it again - don't fuck with my family!

So I talked to dad Thursday night and broke the news that he was moving. He basically completely melted down and freaked out, just total chaos, blah blah. BUT I did get an appointment at the new old folks home (for those of you remembering/caring - the nicer one that doesn't have advanced care, but was nice and CLOSE) for today...

I called my dad's cousin for reinforcements, as he's really good at telling Dad to shut up and listen to me because I've got this tish under control. So today he was calm, and we went over, looked at some apartments, and I decided to let him choose which one he wanted, because then he can't bitch at me later that I chose wrong. He chose the smallest one because (ready??) he liked where the A/C unit was. He could have had like 100 more square feet for $90 more but didn't want it.

Whatever.

So on the way back from the Couv to PDX as I'm on SR500 he tells me "Uh oh, I have to pee."

"No problem, I'll get off on the next exit."

"God damn it. I just pissed myself."

So I pull off the highway, get him to the nearest bathroom to have him finish, clean up a bit, etc. Got him home, changed and cleaned up.

My entire passenger seat was just soaked. *sigh* Well I guess the new car is broken in.

So then I went to the carwash and used the upholstery shampooer and got it pretty much cleaned up - I will of course have to treat it with Nature's Miracle or something to completely get it wiped of any smell. It wasn't as bad as I thought.

Anyway, we are moving him in on Feb 24th. Next order of business is to find him a twin extra long adjustable bed and a recliner chair.

Cancer Sucks.

It seems like I am hearing about someone else getting it every week now.

Anyway. The latest victim is an old family friend. From my mom's email:

"Guess who called me tonight? Paulette W****. She and Jim put an ad in the Hibbing paper to try and find you and they called the Hibbing Tribune and found Gramma's phone no. and called her and she gave her my number and yours. They didn't call you cuz they thought you wouldn't remember them. It was really good to talk to her. She said Jim is 70 now and he is dying of cancer and he said he would like to find his "Sasoo" and just talk to her. He had colon cancer 5 yrs. ago and now it is in his lungs and bones. He has just started chemo and finished radiation this week. I know they still think the world of you and they have no kids together and always thought of you like their's. They put in the ad that Auntie Paulie and Uncle Jim were looking for Sasoo. I told her I would tell you about them and that I was sure you'd call them soon. They are dying to talk to you. I told them all about our life etc. f rom when your dad left and they said you sound like a wonderful girl and they always knew you would be. "

Sassoo is my old childhood nickname. I just bawled when I heard this. I mean, they put a freaking ad in the paper in my Grandma's hometown trying to find me. My dad had a falling out with Jim way back when my parent's were still married (they divorced when I was 11) and my mom lost touch as a result.

I traded an email with Paulette this morning, cried through the whole thing. Gave her my phone number and school/work schedule, hopefully they will call when he's up to it. He's in Chemo today.

This makes me feel honored and special in a way that I never have... that it's the wish of a dying man to find the little girl of his ex best friend that used to come and visit some 20 years ago. I used to stay the night over there on occasion and they used to send me presents from their travels all over the world. I hadn't even thought of them in probably 15 years.

I guess I never really imagined I'd ever made that big of an impression on anyone. Very emotional today. Weird feelings all around.

If he's well enough to get visitors I feel compelled to go to him, and I'm not entirely sure why... what do you say? "Thanks for loving me all these years, sorry you are dying?"

Cancer sucks. I need to go to Colorado.

Question.

How is it that I can be completely unafraid of death, and completely terrified of getting old?