Wednesday, January 18, 2006


Sat down and forced myself to fill out the rental application for the apartment I'm supposed to be moving into in 3 weeks. I am only missing two pieces of info for it, which I can get when I get to work tomorrow. This gave me a bit of closure. Yeah, I'm really going to do this. So I might as well quit procrastinating and start thinking about, oh, packing? LOL

Decided my case of cold feet was simply side effects of this glorious latest round of dysthemia... I get paralyzed in making decisions when I have bad days. I literally couldn't tell you where I wanted to eat for dinner. Making decisions paralyzes me when I'm having an "episode." So I just talked myself off the proverbial ledge - reminding myself I made this decision when I did have a completely clear mind and I'm only psyching myself out in typical self-defeating behavior and I need to just knock it off and quit waiting for the other shoe to fall. Because waiting for it to fall will just will it so, and I'm not interested in that bullshit. I already know the end of that road, and if I have a chance to stay off of it I should.

Also decided my fears of losing my identity again are completely unfounded, because this is completely under my control - I will always be able to go out with my friends and carve out alone time when I need it, and that I won't be losing my individuality. I am learning the difference between sacrifice and compromise. I choose to believe in the karmic cycle and believe I will be able to make choices that I need that affect our little tribe when I really need them to happen.

I really believe that if you are acting out of your own heart and your own kindness that it is never wrong... it is only not right if it is at the expense of your very core, your very soul... and this isn't happening this time. I had to give myself a swift kick in the head and remind myself I haven't been down THIS road before - I was down another road, just as scary, which had very bad results for me... but it wasn't the same... and so I won't punish this chance at happiness out of fear of the past.

Called my dad about an hour ago - he gave me a mini heart attack. Told me he told the med nurse he wasn't going to take his yellow pills 4 times a day anymore. Legally, they can't make him do anything, legally *I* can't make him do anything. He hates taking pills. This freaked me out because the yellow pills are the carbidopa/levodopa for his Parkinson's, and obviously they are important, and obviously the every 4 hour dosage in his waking hours is uber-important.
Finally I figured out he was talking about his scheduled Tylenols - they are RED and yellow... heh. So I'm like, fine, don't take those, but take the rest.

So I went through his meds with him again, one by one, what each pill looked like, what each one did and why they were all of utmost importance. I think he's chilled out now. But I'm calling the head nurse over there first thing in the morning to make sure that his meds are as scheduled (minus the Tylenol if he wants that - pick your battles...) because well, you never know...

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