Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Boiling Over

I'm not sleeping. It's pretty obvious by this entry, I'm sure.

Why is it so hard to get what I really want? I mean, all of it, all at once? Do people just not to have it all? Is it all some big myth that we are all being suckered into buying into? Am I being totally unrealistic?

Why is it that to have a relationship I am the one that is always making sacrifices at the expense of my needs? Am I doing this again? Am I setting myself up again?

Why is having everything I need to be happy so fucking elusive? Why can't I live in the city, go to school, get it done, be with the man I love and get a job I like? How am I going to get all of this? I'm not even done with the first move and I've got a second and a third looming and I am OVERWHELMED. How many times am I expected to adjust, take it with a smile, and just leave my comfort zone? Is this even healthy? What if I am happy where I am? What if I get happy being in Vancouver? Then ANOTHER move. What if I don't want to? Then it's over. And then what's the POINT?

Why is it that I will do ANYTHING for someone, but I am easy to leave behind? Maybe this is WHY I'm easy to leave behind. Maybe if I was inflexible and closed off then I would be considered "worth it."

I don't fucking know.

Why is it that no matter what I do I feel like a screaming failure?

I swear to God if this ends up blowing up in my face it will fucking destroy any sparks of hope I have left... color me done. Because I can't keep continuing to do this and have my heart broken again and again, and I can't keep falling in love with other people's children, raise them for a few years, and then have to say goodbye.

The more I think about this the worse I feel... I'm psyching myself out, big time. I hardly slept last night. I just cry and cry and that's so counter productive. I just want to go to sleep for a month and wake up and have someone tell me what to do... because I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm tired of second guessing myself and tired of being scared and feeling like a failure...
and for the first time in several months I feel very alone. I think I may be my own worst enemy.

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