i want my own private island. NOW

Today sucked on so many levels...

I'm totally bawling right now... I spent most of the day at the VA with my dad... Neurologist this time. Which is the number one pressing issue.

CAT scan came back - apparently he's had many small strokes... which is why he's having so many issues... when they took his socks off to look at his feet I about lost it - they were bright purple and so swollen... I had to turn around and wipe tears away...

He mentioned to me if they take his feet/legs he'd rather be dead...

I know he's got serious medical problems, but today just really got to me... there's nothing I can do for him...

They tried to talk him into a walker again and he refused... he's too proud...

The one good thing that happened today is the docs finally managed to talk him into meds for depression - I was so grateful I could have kissed the doctor... I hope to god this helps...

I'm so totally sad, and tired, and worn out, and worried and I just don't know how to cope right now... and I don't want to talk to anyone because all I can do is cry and its just stupid and I don't want to be high maintenance. And there's nothing anyone can do anyway... I almost called my mom but then she'd just worry, and its not fair to worry her just because I am having issues coping with LIFE.

And dude, I should KISS OFF because I have nothing to be upset about, its HIM that has to deal with this shit on a first hand basis, so why in the hell am I so damn upset when I have no right to be - I need to be strong for HIM.

I hate to say it, because I hate him, and I don't want him OBVIOUSLY, but I really miss being married and having someone to lean on when this shit happens... he was an abusive asshole 99 % of the time, jealous and manipulative, a liar and a batterer... but I feel really alone right now...

People try to make me feel better with "Oh my uncle had a stroke" or "Oh my grandpa was really sick and now he's better" and it just pisses me off because its like DUDE, its not about your Uncle or Grandpa or whatever this is about my DAD and can something just be about me and how I feel, just ONCE???

Life is not a big fucking comparison all the time... not when its something like this that just takes my heart and fucking squashes it - I'd do ANYTHING for him to just be well... and I can't.... and that's why it sucks. So don't fucking ONE UP ME or tell me you know how you feel because you FUCKING DON'T know what its like for me... to see your mirror image, the man that gave you so much just fucking wilt away in the worst way possible... this is so HELL for him... I can't think of a worse disease for him...

I just want to be taken care of, and I don't know how to let this happen... and I don't even know if I really want it. Just like him I'm too fucking proud... I probably don't. I don't know what I want, except I want to stop hurting...

I'm making no sense, and this will probably be deleted when I get some composure back, but writing is all I have right now... just words...

Why is it that sometimes it feels like words are my only friend?

I swear to god i'm going to crack... I want to hide away forever and not see anyone ever again... I want the ground to open up and swallow me whole.