It dawned on me on my drive home today.
I don't hate him anymore.
I don't ANYTHING him anymore. He's like a bad case of food poisoning I had a long time ago - I don't remember anything about what it felt like to be with him, only what it felt like afterwards, when I had to rebuild. It took a year for me to be able to feel right again.
All I feel is that despite his best attempts, he didn't break me. He didn't win.
Not another tear, ever again. Not another irrational fear due to the past, ever again. I erase him.
Thursday, March 9, 2006
Sunday, February 26, 2006
My pseudo-parental influence is complete
This weekend I...
1. Taught Dave's daughter Winter how to throw the horns.
2. Took Dave's son into the hair salon and had his hair cut into a spiky mess of awesomeness. He is also going to have green hair gel to put in it as soon as my mother goes back to the beauty salon store. I was also informed that I was his "best friend" hahahhahaaaaa!
1. Taught Dave's daughter Winter how to throw the horns.
2. Took Dave's son into the hair salon and had his hair cut into a spiky mess of awesomeness. He is also going to have green hair gel to put in it as soon as my mother goes back to the beauty salon store. I was also informed that I was his "best friend" hahahhahaaaaa!
Friday, February 24, 2006
Food.
The past couple of nights, Weds in particular, were rough. I ate too fast and had that full feeling I hated, and had a major urge to go barf it up. I took a cat nap instead, hoping the feeling would fade, thinking about how everything I ate was soft, but it was acidic, and it would hurt coming back up. Dave being in the house (having no idea what was going on) was enough of a barrier that I just slept until I could focus on something else.
I had major issues with food in the past, and binged/purged for the better part of three years. The last time I threw up food on purpose was in June, and it was a moment of weakness to make myself feel better in an intense moment of stress, and I regretted it instantly. I'm glad I didn't give in again this week.
The thing is I like food. I take comfort in food. It's self-medication, the actual act of eating is comforting. I wake up and I think about what I am going to eat. I think about lunch at 9 am. I think about dinner at 11. I think about the ice cream in the freezer, about the secretly stashed candy in my desk, about Frappucinos and cookies and bowls of pasta. It's pretty much constant. And if I ate every time I wanted to feel better I would be massive. And so I fight it constantly, whether its not eating or resisting binging.
It comes from an ugly place, and it makes you feel a few minutes of control, followed by feelings of self-loathing and shame. The cycle can repeat itself so easily, and its reinforcing when you lose enough weight that someone notices. I always struggle with weight, if you ever meet my family its obvious why.
I think being Veggie is good for me, because it gives me a way to obsess about food in a non-negative way. I also don't feel embarassed reading nutrition labels to mentally calculate how long it would take to burn off, because I have a "reason."
I had major issues with food in the past, and binged/purged for the better part of three years. The last time I threw up food on purpose was in June, and it was a moment of weakness to make myself feel better in an intense moment of stress, and I regretted it instantly. I'm glad I didn't give in again this week.
The thing is I like food. I take comfort in food. It's self-medication, the actual act of eating is comforting. I wake up and I think about what I am going to eat. I think about lunch at 9 am. I think about dinner at 11. I think about the ice cream in the freezer, about the secretly stashed candy in my desk, about Frappucinos and cookies and bowls of pasta. It's pretty much constant. And if I ate every time I wanted to feel better I would be massive. And so I fight it constantly, whether its not eating or resisting binging.
It comes from an ugly place, and it makes you feel a few minutes of control, followed by feelings of self-loathing and shame. The cycle can repeat itself so easily, and its reinforcing when you lose enough weight that someone notices. I always struggle with weight, if you ever meet my family its obvious why.
I think being Veggie is good for me, because it gives me a way to obsess about food in a non-negative way. I also don't feel embarassed reading nutrition labels to mentally calculate how long it would take to burn off, because I have a "reason."
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
V-Day
So the cutest delivery boy EVER just showed up with Valentine's Day calla lilies for me. He was so cute when he asked if he could buy me lunch I couldn't resist... Don't tell my boyfriend....
oh....wait... :)
oh....wait... :)
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Latest Adventures in Dadland
I told my dad I would call him in the morning and remind him what time I was going to come and pick him up for his X ray and Ortho appointment at our favorite place, the VA Hospital.
So at 9 I try to call him, no answer. I think aww, maybe he's still at breakfast. I try him every 10 mins until 9:45, then I decide maybe the ringer on his phone is off - AGAIN - and call the front desk at his Assisted Living place.
"Assisted Living at XYZ, this is Liz...."
"Hi Liz, this is Sara, John B's daughter..."
"Oh yeah, he's sitting up here waiting for you."
"What? Why?"
"He says you were supposed to pick him up at nine to go to the doctor."
"Tell him I'll be there just after 11."
I worry this is an indicator as to how today will be. Ugh. I got a call from the VA yesterday - his bloodwork for his clot meds came back very high to the point where they are alarmed about it, and I am thinking his extra loopiness is probably because his blood chemistry is all jacked right now.
I get there shortly after 11, he's in his apartment. He has his shoes on and the godawful tan 1970's leather jacket with the butterfly collar on that he wore on HIS HONEYMOON WITH MY MOTHER. What is it with men and their obsession with ugly jackets, anyway? I mean, the thing is THIRTY YEARS OLD.
Anyway, he says "Oh, so you decided to show up, huh?"
I give him the don't fuck with me you crabby old ass look and say, "I told you I would call you. You must have forgotten."
"Well I suppose we're going to be late now."
Fuck you too, Dad, I think. Instead I say "Nope, appointment is at 12:15 - we have an hour to get there, it will be fine.
He literally doesn't say a word to me in the car on the way over. I don't really care because talking hurts my stupid throat so I just sit and listen to the radio. Drop him off in front and circle the parking lot for 30 minutes looking for a parking spot. This parking lot is the worst one EVER, the thought of it makes my blood rise. And 90 percent off the parking spots are for compact cars.
Now how many old Veterans do you know that drive compact cars? My hauling my dad's decrepit old ass around is exactly why I don't have a compact car - he literally couldn't get in it.
Anyway, I manage to park, scrape one of my mirrors pulling in, I don't care, its 12:10 and I have 5 minutes to get him up to the 8th floor.
The X ray goes off without a hitch, I go get us sandwiches downstairs in the cafeteria (which are phenomenally good, surprisingly...) and go to the Ortho appointment.
Get a decent doc this time, she basically doesn't try to whitewash everything and tell us the hip is 100 percent fine. It's healed, but its not 100 percent stable. To make a long story short, the pin collapsed into the socket, and bone grew around all of it - which in turn shortens all the muscles in the thigh, leading to extreme weakness and instability on that side. Great news for an already unstable Parkinson's patient.
She orders physical therapy for him, which was supposed to start in October when he got out of the hospital - but they screwed the pooch on that one initially. So that I'm happy for. Hopefully it will help.
So at 9 I try to call him, no answer. I think aww, maybe he's still at breakfast. I try him every 10 mins until 9:45, then I decide maybe the ringer on his phone is off - AGAIN - and call the front desk at his Assisted Living place.
"Assisted Living at XYZ, this is Liz...."
"Hi Liz, this is Sara, John B's daughter..."
"Oh yeah, he's sitting up here waiting for you."
"What? Why?"
"He says you were supposed to pick him up at nine to go to the doctor."
"Tell him I'll be there just after 11."
I worry this is an indicator as to how today will be. Ugh. I got a call from the VA yesterday - his bloodwork for his clot meds came back very high to the point where they are alarmed about it, and I am thinking his extra loopiness is probably because his blood chemistry is all jacked right now.
I get there shortly after 11, he's in his apartment. He has his shoes on and the godawful tan 1970's leather jacket with the butterfly collar on that he wore on HIS HONEYMOON WITH MY MOTHER. What is it with men and their obsession with ugly jackets, anyway? I mean, the thing is THIRTY YEARS OLD.
Anyway, he says "Oh, so you decided to show up, huh?"
I give him the don't fuck with me you crabby old ass look and say, "I told you I would call you. You must have forgotten."
"Well I suppose we're going to be late now."
Fuck you too, Dad, I think. Instead I say "Nope, appointment is at 12:15 - we have an hour to get there, it will be fine.
He literally doesn't say a word to me in the car on the way over. I don't really care because talking hurts my stupid throat so I just sit and listen to the radio. Drop him off in front and circle the parking lot for 30 minutes looking for a parking spot. This parking lot is the worst one EVER, the thought of it makes my blood rise. And 90 percent off the parking spots are for compact cars.
Now how many old Veterans do you know that drive compact cars? My hauling my dad's decrepit old ass around is exactly why I don't have a compact car - he literally couldn't get in it.
Anyway, I manage to park, scrape one of my mirrors pulling in, I don't care, its 12:10 and I have 5 minutes to get him up to the 8th floor.
The X ray goes off without a hitch, I go get us sandwiches downstairs in the cafeteria (which are phenomenally good, surprisingly...) and go to the Ortho appointment.
Get a decent doc this time, she basically doesn't try to whitewash everything and tell us the hip is 100 percent fine. It's healed, but its not 100 percent stable. To make a long story short, the pin collapsed into the socket, and bone grew around all of it - which in turn shortens all the muscles in the thigh, leading to extreme weakness and instability on that side. Great news for an already unstable Parkinson's patient.
She orders physical therapy for him, which was supposed to start in October when he got out of the hospital - but they screwed the pooch on that one initially. So that I'm happy for. Hopefully it will help.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Adventures in Gothland, Volume 47.
Yesterday Dave was helping the Other Dave move, so I was on pseudo-mommy duty all day. The kids were completely well behaved for me, and I got a massive amount of stuff done as a result. I did 6 loads of laundry, packed about 10 boxes, posted some stuff on Craigslist for sale (Oh how I need the money too... augh), bought my mom flowers and met her over at BJ's for her birthday lunch, and generally ran around like a chicken with my head cut off.
When Dave got home around 6 I was pretty much shell shocked and wanted to lie down and go into a sleep coma for about a week. Dave and the kids hung out til like 7:45 so no time for a nap before the Sexy Cheese and I were to tear up a dance floor at Lola's for Hive - the Gothy night we are so fond of.
There was no cover, which made the $7.50 I had to pay for ONE drink (yeah, it wasn't cheap booze but whatever) a little less painful. Got there and there were a bunch of the hippies from whatever patchouli laced show upstairs at the crystal were hanging out. We knew within 1/2 hour of pounding industrial music that they would bail, and we were right. The bad news is the best music was played during the first 1/2 hour, and I always have to acclimate to the club before I can just get a groove on. Unless I'm drinking heavily, which in that case means I pound two vodka granades and its on. That wasn't happening, so yeah...
First amusing scenario: remember the guys that wanted me to join their band that sounded like Lydia Lunch? Yeah... they were there. Brie was drunk the night this happened and she was amused to finally figure out who that was, since that happened back in like, July and she wasn't sure.
Second amusing scenario: Gothic Bellydancers. This was the most boring, pathetic waste of 1/2 hour I'd ever seen. You would think Gothic Bellydancing would be cool. But I'm sorry - seeing a chubby chick with green hair dry fuck another chick with 47 tattoos to really slow, make you want to slit your wrists goth music just wasn't entertaining. It was like a really really bad soft porno, and I wasn't beyond vocalizing this either. Hahahah.
Third amusing scenario: I'm sitting over at our table, minding my own business, between dancing spurts. Brie is still out getting her groove on. I'm enjoying being lost in the music. Suddenly, the chair next to me is pulled closer with a sloppy screech.
I look over, "Hi, I'm Todd from Hillsboro. What's your story?"
"What do you mean, what's my story?" I narrow my eyes at him, annoyed already at the drunken brazenness of this dude. He REEKS of beer.
"Well you know..."
"That's a vague question."
"Well, yeah, you get to know people more by asking those kinds of questions," he says.
"Maybe you just can't think of any interesting questions. Excuse me."
So I go out, back to the dance floor for a few songs. I check out the table from the floor, its clear. Excellent. I go back. Within seconds he's back sitting next to me.
"You know, I had to have seven beers before I could come talk to you tonight," he says. "You're a really good dancer." He's slurring his words. I believe him on the seven beers, but not on the liquid courage part. He's straightlaced, probably intellectual when he's not plastered. He's one of those looking for a little taste of the wild side, which I wouldn't play any part of if I wasn't involved with someone. You can smell these ones a mile away. They treat you well but like a novelty. It gets real old real fast.
"Thanks," I say. He babbles more about psychology, and books I should read, and all this stuff, I'm trying not to be completely rude but he's getting the shortest answers possible from me.
Brie blessedly comes over and says "You ready to go? We can go."
So I say "Bye" to Todd, put my sweater on. He grabs my arm as I start to walk away, and he says "Oh wait, can I have your phone number? I'd really like to take you out sometime."
I say "Thanks, but no - I don't think my boyfriend would like that. I'm seeing someone."
He lets go, and flashes two fingers and says "Peace," then proceeds to pound the rest of his beer.
Peace?!?! WTF?
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Chill.
Sat down and forced myself to fill out the rental application for the apartment I'm supposed to be moving into in 3 weeks. I am only missing two pieces of info for it, which I can get when I get to work tomorrow. This gave me a bit of closure. Yeah, I'm really going to do this. So I might as well quit procrastinating and start thinking about, oh, packing? LOL
Decided my case of cold feet was simply side effects of this glorious latest round of dysthemia... I get paralyzed in making decisions when I have bad days. I literally couldn't tell you where I wanted to eat for dinner. Making decisions paralyzes me when I'm having an "episode." So I just talked myself off the proverbial ledge - reminding myself I made this decision when I did have a completely clear mind and I'm only psyching myself out in typical self-defeating behavior and I need to just knock it off and quit waiting for the other shoe to fall. Because waiting for it to fall will just will it so, and I'm not interested in that bullshit. I already know the end of that road, and if I have a chance to stay off of it I should.
Also decided my fears of losing my identity again are completely unfounded, because this is completely under my control - I will always be able to go out with my friends and carve out alone time when I need it, and that I won't be losing my individuality. I am learning the difference between sacrifice and compromise. I choose to believe in the karmic cycle and believe I will be able to make choices that I need that affect our little tribe when I really need them to happen.
I really believe that if you are acting out of your own heart and your own kindness that it is never wrong... it is only not right if it is at the expense of your very core, your very soul... and this isn't happening this time. I had to give myself a swift kick in the head and remind myself I haven't been down THIS road before - I was down another road, just as scary, which had very bad results for me... but it wasn't the same... and so I won't punish this chance at happiness out of fear of the past.
Called my dad about an hour ago - he gave me a mini heart attack. Told me he told the med nurse he wasn't going to take his yellow pills 4 times a day anymore. Legally, they can't make him do anything, legally *I* can't make him do anything. He hates taking pills. This freaked me out because the yellow pills are the carbidopa/levodopa for his Parkinson's, and obviously they are important, and obviously the every 4 hour dosage in his waking hours is uber-important.
Finally I figured out he was talking about his scheduled Tylenols - they are RED and yellow... heh. So I'm like, fine, don't take those, but take the rest.
So I went through his meds with him again, one by one, what each pill looked like, what each one did and why they were all of utmost importance. I think he's chilled out now. But I'm calling the head nurse over there first thing in the morning to make sure that his meds are as scheduled (minus the Tylenol if he wants that - pick your battles...) because well, you never know...
Decided my case of cold feet was simply side effects of this glorious latest round of dysthemia... I get paralyzed in making decisions when I have bad days. I literally couldn't tell you where I wanted to eat for dinner. Making decisions paralyzes me when I'm having an "episode." So I just talked myself off the proverbial ledge - reminding myself I made this decision when I did have a completely clear mind and I'm only psyching myself out in typical self-defeating behavior and I need to just knock it off and quit waiting for the other shoe to fall. Because waiting for it to fall will just will it so, and I'm not interested in that bullshit. I already know the end of that road, and if I have a chance to stay off of it I should.
Also decided my fears of losing my identity again are completely unfounded, because this is completely under my control - I will always be able to go out with my friends and carve out alone time when I need it, and that I won't be losing my individuality. I am learning the difference between sacrifice and compromise. I choose to believe in the karmic cycle and believe I will be able to make choices that I need that affect our little tribe when I really need them to happen.
I really believe that if you are acting out of your own heart and your own kindness that it is never wrong... it is only not right if it is at the expense of your very core, your very soul... and this isn't happening this time. I had to give myself a swift kick in the head and remind myself I haven't been down THIS road before - I was down another road, just as scary, which had very bad results for me... but it wasn't the same... and so I won't punish this chance at happiness out of fear of the past.
Called my dad about an hour ago - he gave me a mini heart attack. Told me he told the med nurse he wasn't going to take his yellow pills 4 times a day anymore. Legally, they can't make him do anything, legally *I* can't make him do anything. He hates taking pills. This freaked me out because the yellow pills are the carbidopa/levodopa for his Parkinson's, and obviously they are important, and obviously the every 4 hour dosage in his waking hours is uber-important.
Finally I figured out he was talking about his scheduled Tylenols - they are RED and yellow... heh. So I'm like, fine, don't take those, but take the rest.
So I went through his meds with him again, one by one, what each pill looked like, what each one did and why they were all of utmost importance. I think he's chilled out now. But I'm calling the head nurse over there first thing in the morning to make sure that his meds are as scheduled (minus the Tylenol if he wants that - pick your battles...) because well, you never know...
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