Last week I turned 35. There was not a big celebration. My mother bought me some clothes, my grandma bought me a necklace, I got a text from my cousin and the regular slew of impersonal facebook messages. I was feeling a little bit sorry for myself. Then I realized I was being a spoiled brat for being upset I had no presents to open on my birthday. I had food in my belly and a roof over my head, so I needed to suck it up and just deal.
I've been dreaming a lot about my dad, and continual dreams about packing up my dad's things. His birthday is three days before mine and we always used to celebrate together somewhere in the middle. This was also a huge hole this year and the last.
Financially things are a nightmare right now. I had to get a new job. Again. It involves a $4 an hour paycut at the outset. Eventually its supposed to go up $2 or so. Right now is very much an employer's market. My last job that I love ended - the company was bought by a larger company in New Jersey, and New Jersey is where all marketing and office jobs went. I am now an Office Manager for a local business. There's a lot of stress involved, my boss is a stress case and it all rolls downhill. We are still trying to get a groove.
There's been some ugly stuff related to my husband's ex wife's debt and old hospital bills from the boy that are making it difficult to make ends meet. Things are not good right now. We are struggling to save the house, and not finding much help anywhere. He's going to work on getting a garnishment for the judgment we have on his ex wife to help make ends meet. She owes us thousands, and also has never, ever paid her percentage of the kids' medical bills. Who knows what will happen.
I've also had to be paying COBRA prices for insurance, which is nearly $500 a month. With several preexisting conditions, if I let the coverage lapse I am suddenly uninsurable, which is a huge problem. The meds that allow me to get out of bed and work are hundreds a month without insurance, so I might as well pay for it.
I'm just really down and out, and now that I'm this big official ADULT number of 35, I feel like my shit should be together and its so so not. And that kind of makes me feel like a failure.
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Shit, you're not a failure at all. You have a ton of pressure on your shoulders here and anyone would be hardpressed to make ends meet with all of that. The shit alone that ms egg donor pulls is more than enough to drive anyone over the edge. I started to type that I couldn't believe she hasn't paid for any medical bills for the kids but... yeah, I can. Since this is a public blog I'll be keeping my mouth shut on any major trash talking, but that is such crap.
ReplyDeleteI don't really know if 35 counts as being a big adult number. I see a lot of 35 year old's with way less of their shit together than you. Check out my loser ex (who is older than that) - his shit is ALL over the place. You are kicking major butt compared to him. Not to mention setting at least a good example of what a healthy relationship looks like and not parading women in and out the saloon doors.
Facebook is totally impersonal. I took my birthday off there the day before so I wouldn't get 80 lame comments from people who obviously had no idea it was my birthday. Your birthday is one of the few that is actually on my calender :)
It's okay to feel crappy and down and out a bit.. I find as we grow it's a lot harder to really find the support we used to have outside of family and maybe one or two friends. I know my circle has grown very, very small and it's kind of a bummer at times. I'd likely be a shit friend though if I had that many more people around. I'm just so glad that Dave is so supportive and you have a strong home base. That's really important and it's something that a lot of people (even at 35) don't have.
I hope things start to look up soon. It really blows to hear what happened with your previous job :(
Hugs my dear - I'm thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteCan I "ditto" what Brie said... and then let you know that lunch doesn't have to be in Tanasbourne; I can come to you! :) HUGS!!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks you guys. And D, that would be a nice change. :)
ReplyDeleteBrie - yeah, thanks for the pep talk. I know most everyone I know is struggling in some way or another. I get all riled up and think we should all just stop paying our bills and working our jobs that kill us, squat in our homes and just go to the barter system, they can't arrest us all. HAHAHAHA!!
ReplyDeleteI have also noticed my circle gets smaller the older we get. Makes me wonder what will happen if I live to be old...