Thursday, December 11, 2008

And so it goes.

Things have not been so great on the homefront. I don't like fighting with Dave. It doesn't do good things for me.

I was stressing hard because my dad's care cost has skyrocketed, and I was thinking, shit, he only has about 20 months worth of funds left at this new high rate, and dammit that would suck if he ended up in the VA. Then I went to see him Sunday.

He slept for a whole day the other day. He's managed to get skinnier, he's barely eating. He is barely walking, he can't get up on his own. He's winding down. The care providers basically warned me that they will be hugely surprised if he lasts 2 months.

This has brought me peace. Not because I want my dad gone, but I want my dad to be free of his failing body. I want him to be at peace. I am actually okay with it right now, and I think I'm able to say goodbye to him when the time comes.

I am thankful because he is not in pain. I'm thankful because I know he has the best care possible. I am thankful because he seems relatively happy these days, in his own little bizarre nonsense world. And he's going to go out the best way possible.

I was so afraid that he would be afraid to die. When he nearly died from cancer my father the Athiest asked for a Catholic Priest. When he was well the athiesm came back. lol.
So the fact that my dad is dying peacefully is about the best thing happening right now. :/

I decided I needed something positive. I am going to Paris. Dave initially tried to talk me out of it, "Do you think we should start small soon, in San Francisco or something for our next trip?"

No. I want fucking Paris.

I realize that a great part of my frustration with the homestead is I am trapped in the sense that my bohemian tendencies are reeled in. I can't just take off whenever I want. And I am sick of waiting to do what I feel like I need to do, and I feel life is passing me by.

So I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm not going to let anyone elses baggage or issues prevent me from doing what I need to do. I'm going to Paris by 09-2010.

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