Monday, November 14, 2005


All weekend I made the mistake of indulging my insecurites enough to let them weasel their way into my thoughts. Almost cried in front of Dave last night, sucked it up at the last minute. If it's to the point where I cry in front of anyone it's not good. I think I've only cried in front of Brie once... Anyway...

If I shut up, breathe, and listen to my heart I know everything will be fine. If I listen to the parts of my brain that are messed up, the parts that have been re-wired by the people that have hurt me to try to make me believe that I will end up alone and that I should end up alone I begin to believe it. I thought I disconnected all of that, but apparently I didn't.

It pisses me off. Because I know it ISN'T WORTH IT. And it gives him power over me, that he never should have had in the first place. And I thought I was over hating him, but I'm not. I hate him all over again. Worse than before.

And I don't like being afraid. It's hard for me to even admit, let alone deal with. I'm the tough girl. I'm the one that people go to to solve their problems, I'm the one that keeps a level head and a cool head in a crisis and can handle anything. Except my own negative thinking, apparently.

For the first time in my life I'm in a relationship that's truly working. I wasn't looking for it, I didn't want it. I went into it with authenticity that I haven't really experienced before - I wasn't trying to impress him. In fact, it was more the opposite - here I am in all my hard-headed glory, let's be friends. And the coolest thing happened - not only was I completely *seen* for the first time ever, he loved it. And the edges of our hearts clicked together like two pieces of a puzzle that no one else has the solution to. And it was like, well NOW what for me. So I rode the wave.

So now I actually have something to lose. Before I spent so much time trying to sew up ends of "loves" that were unraveling so quickly that I could never have even evened it out let alone build a life with someone. I just didn't fit.

And now I fit. And I'm terrified as hell, because I now know that I don't fit anywhere else. And you all can think I'm completely insane - it's hard for me to even admit to myself sometimes, and I know what is completely happening "backstage" so to speak. I was his before I knew I was his. And this scares the crap out of me, because for the first time in my life I am 100 percent vested in a relationship. There is no "escape hatch" for me - there is no "well, if it doesn't work out I have plan A B C and D" in place. There is only plan A.

And so for the first time I have to trust someone else to love me unconditionally. There is no other choice. And love has always been turned off and on from me like it was a fucking faucet my whole life. Even with my parents I constantly was trying to please them, afraid if I wasn't smart enough, good enough, that it would go away. They both emotionally checked out on me when I needed them the most - when my Daddy came home on Christmas Eve (after disappearing for 6 weeks, we didn't even know if he was alive) to pack his shit to leave us for his stupid girlfriend. When my mom's revolving bedroom door was more important than me sleeping with her gun under my pillow, trying to get the balls up to finally use it and just be done with it.

For years and years all I wanted was to die. And so I drugged myself up in any way possible, took out my aggressions in the mosh pit and pretended I just didn't give a fuck. When all I wanted was to mean something to someone, to be the one person that someone couldn't live without. And so now I want to live.

I don't want to need him. But I do. I need him in my life. And part of me hates it, and part of me wants to find freedom in it. I just don't know if that's possible. I am going to try though, because we are both worth it.

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