Learning.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately, as I’ve had this malingering feeling of discontent for absolutely no reason. My work situation is wonderful, and there are some stressors in other areas of my life (we are trying to keep our home after getting behind in mortgage payments after a period of both of us being unemployed) and the weather is great… so what is my problem? Why do I feel so completely lonely?

I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately, and about marriage, and the commitment my husband and I made to each other 8 years ago. The whole “for better for worse” thing, and yeah, we have had a lot of for worse… but we’ve made it this long, against all odds. A lot of that has to do, honestly with his level of commitment to me, and recently I’ve realized that he is the very first partner that I have ever had that was completely committed to me. Despite any vows or promises or anything else men have thrown at me my whole life, he is the only one that said it and meant it. And I have no idea how to react to that or trust that… but I have to learn.

When I was 8 my grandfather, who was my best friend in the whole world, dropped dead at age 62. I was fortunate in the sense that my cousins barely even remember him, or never got to meet him, while I was bonded to him forever. I was devastated when he died.

My father left my mother and I when I was 11 for another woman, and would have happily ditched me completely if it weren’t for my mother demanding that he have a relationship for me. We wearily danced around each other until I made the choice to watch out for him after he was diagnosed with dementia (which has been chronicled extensively on this blog). It broke my heart and healed it and then broke it all over again when he died. With my dad around, as hard as it was, I finally felt like I belonged somewhere…and he was slowly taken from me.

I could list out all of the men that have taken my trust and love and shit all over it, from when I lost my virginity to when I got divorced, but there’s no point. I’ve obviously attracted these type of people for a reason. What is important is that I have no idea how to let myself be really loved, by any person, including myself. I have no idea how to really trust anyone but myself either. Obviously that’s something I need to continue to work on, or I will always feel isolated. if you love someone, they can leave, and that hurts. 

I guess this is why I connect with animals so hard. With them there is no faking. They call it like it is, and they love you (usually) or they don’t. There’s an honesty in them that makes me think they are superior to all of our human manipulative bullshit. We strut around trying to communicate that we are worthy to other human beings while denying to ourselves this is what we are doing. From the way we dress, the brand names we wear, the cars we drive, everything about how we present ourselves is about conforming to a set of rules that society expects from us.

Every once in a while I run into someone who reminds me that you can’t judge a book by its cover. I’m forever grateful when this happens, as it’s a well-needed smack in the face to remind me to stop judging others, stop judging myself. We all want the same thing… to be loved. 

I will learn.