Drowning

Those of you that might know my mom in real life, please keep the following confidential, as she wants to keep this quiet, and I want to respect her right to privacy. Since I don't think any of her IRL friends or any of my family read my blog I am assuming this is a safe space for me to post how I'm feeling.

My mom got a bad mammogram. Here's the details that I know so far: she went in early last week for the mammo. During the mammo, the tech asked to take an additional photo of her right breast. My mom at the time thought this was odd, and asked me if I thought this was reason for concern when we had dinner that night.

Friday she got the call that they found something. They told her to come in ASAP to meet with a radiologist and have further films taken and be evaluated further.

Her appointment is at 2pm tomorrow, I am taking her. Taking her because she needs moral support, and taking her so I can be the one to pay attention to what the doctors are saying and take notes, as she will be too nervous to really listen.

Initially I had a real good feeling about this - a "oh, she will be fine" feeling. Then my brain started working overtime and I started to panic a little bit, and last night sleep was elusive.

I will, 100% offically lose my SHIT is my mom has cancer. Cancer took my beloved Uncle last year, I "buried" (ok, scattered) my father in June. This news has completely opened the floodgates of grief about both events for me and frankly, I'm a effing mess. It's like it started ALLLL over again, and this is a bunch of BS.

Held it together at work today. Dave is in school tonight, so I am having to hold it together for the kids tonight, but barely hanging on. Ordered pizza so I don't have to cook. Total migraine happening.

We have had major, MAJOR problems with our son too (Friday he "upped the ante" at school and threatened to kill himself, which of course freaked out his teachers and school counselor and all hell broke loose - they didn't understand this is his attention seeking behavior - he admitted he said it and didn't mean it but wanted to "come home" that day), and I am just DONE. D. O. N. E. Stick a fork in me, emotionally.

Ironic, that about a year ago my job was the worst thing in my life, and now it's basically the best. Boss is in town, and important stuff going on, so holding it together there too, but I am completely wiped out.