Yesterday was not a good day for me. My "insecurity button" was pushed again, and I surrendered to paranoid thoughts when I shouldn't have, my back was out (huge sign number 1 that my stress meter is overloaded)... like everything else though, good things came out of it, I was forced to communicate how I was feeling, on the verge of tears, and was heard...

It is a new thing for me to feel heard. Truly heard. And that is a gift that is precious to me...

I'm pretty much programmed so that my default setting is paranoia. I really don't trust anyone anymore unless they really earn it. This is the total opposite of how I used to be - blindly trusting anyone that came across my path because they had a smile or seemed to care about me.

I used to think maybe it was a bad thing to be jaded - that is, spiritually a bad thing... I've been thinking about this though and I don't think it is - because you can still be kind while you are being cautious. And I am cautious now. Sometimes I am still very afraid... afraid of the ghosts of the past, afraid of the unknown future and wanting something to believe in when I have a hard time believing in myself at times.

I used to never ever admit fear... never admit weakness, because it can be exploited. I've since discovered we all have our fears, every one of us does, and vocalizing them to those you trust can really take a lot of the power out of them. When you can share them, even laugh a little at their ridiculousness, or be reassured until you finally can believe it.

Maybe I am unintentionally high maintenance. I need this constantly right now, and I'm certain this has to be frustrating to my boyfriend. I'm impatient. I want to "get on with it." I want the "proof" I am important - and this is silly... so silly... because while grand gestures would indeed help me feel better, I shouldn't be this way... and I'm going to work on that.

But it dawned on me. I just don't trust WORDS. I need actions. Because I am completely used to living in the land of empty promises... and so I don't trust anything simply because its said to me, even though I always speak the truth. I need to SEE it, because actions I trust...

It's like if someone says "I love you" as they are scowling and flipping you off... which are you likely to believe? I mean, that's an extreme example, but you all probably get the point here. People can talk until they are blue in the face and I don't find security in that... I need to see it happen for me to assess its validity.

Come to think of it, I learn best by "doing" also. Someone could tell me how to do something a hundred times and I will stress out over it until they physically show me, with my own hands doing it.