Wow, it's been a while. Lots of things have happened.

So that Fibromyalgia thing... massively better. Still have sore days but I function just fine. Work is amazing, no issues there.... a big reason for the change is because of the removal of dun dun dunnnnnnnn "THE TUMOR".

I grew an alien. A dermoid tumor, that was the size of a grapefruit. It ate an ovary and was taking over my pelvic cavity as well as causing havoc nerve pain wise. I was fortunate enough to have a quick hospitalization in December to have the beast out. I only have some baby scars on my abdomen. I was incredibly lucky to have dodged the cancer bullet yet again. I was out of work for 4 weeks, which created financial stress to say the least. Hubby was a champion and stuck it out through all of the pain, recovery, icky stuff associated with said recovery, and of course the resulting hormonal psychosis that I endured.

Three months later (well three months and a day) I feel AMAZING. Amazing to the point where I'm stretching the time between med doses farther and cut way down on painkillers and pain patches. The fibro isn't gone, but its manageable. I'm still just tired from all of the excitement, but doc team says this is all very normal. Meds of course = weight gain, so I'm hoping to get off of as many as possible. One reinvention at a time.

The best part of the surgery? They yanked my surviving fallopian tube when they were in there, so I am officially neutered. Erm, I guess spayed, technically. So I never have to worry about being accidentally pregnant! Being off of hormones is amazing, and I feel like I've gotten my mojo back!

Hubby has just gotten an awesome promotion working in local government, so the financial struggles are looking to be a thing in the past. 2013 was absolutely brutal...its looking like 2014 should be our year.

The newest member of the family is Gwen, the hedgehog. She's gone somewhat viral on a couple of blogs, and so I made her a facebook page. Should you care to follow her, you can here: Princess Gwendolyn.

Learning.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately, as I’ve had this malingering feeling of discontent for absolutely no reason. My work situation is wonderful, and there are some stressors in other areas of my life (we are trying to keep our home after getting behind in mortgage payments after a period of both of us being unemployed) and the weather is great… so what is my problem? Why do I feel so completely lonely?

I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately, and about marriage, and the commitment my husband and I made to each other 8 years ago. The whole “for better for worse” thing, and yeah, we have had a lot of for worse… but we’ve made it this long, against all odds. A lot of that has to do, honestly with his level of commitment to me, and recently I’ve realized that he is the very first partner that I have ever had that was completely committed to me. Despite any vows or promises or anything else men have thrown at me my whole life, he is the only one that said it and meant it. And I have no idea how to react to that or trust that… but I have to learn.

When I was 8 my grandfather, who was my best friend in the whole world, dropped dead at age 62. I was fortunate in the sense that my cousins barely even remember him, or never got to meet him, while I was bonded to him forever. I was devastated when he died.

My father left my mother and I when I was 11 for another woman, and would have happily ditched me completely if it weren’t for my mother demanding that he have a relationship for me. We wearily danced around each other until I made the choice to watch out for him after he was diagnosed with dementia (which has been chronicled extensively on this blog). It broke my heart and healed it and then broke it all over again when he died. With my dad around, as hard as it was, I finally felt like I belonged somewhere…and he was slowly taken from me.

I could list out all of the men that have taken my trust and love and shit all over it, from when I lost my virginity to when I got divorced, but there’s no point. I’ve obviously attracted these type of people for a reason. What is important is that I have no idea how to let myself be really loved, by any person, including myself. I have no idea how to really trust anyone but myself either. Obviously that’s something I need to continue to work on, or I will always feel isolated. if you love someone, they can leave, and that hurts. 

I guess this is why I connect with animals so hard. With them there is no faking. They call it like it is, and they love you (usually) or they don’t. There’s an honesty in them that makes me think they are superior to all of our human manipulative bullshit. We strut around trying to communicate that we are worthy to other human beings while denying to ourselves this is what we are doing. From the way we dress, the brand names we wear, the cars we drive, everything about how we present ourselves is about conforming to a set of rules that society expects from us.

Every once in a while I run into someone who reminds me that you can’t judge a book by its cover. I’m forever grateful when this happens, as it’s a well-needed smack in the face to remind me to stop judging others, stop judging myself. We all want the same thing… to be loved. 

I will learn.

35. Whiny Post.

Last week I turned 35. There was not a big celebration. My mother bought me some clothes, my grandma bought me a necklace, I got a text from my cousin and the regular slew of impersonal facebook messages. I was feeling a little bit sorry for myself. Then I realized I was being a spoiled brat for being upset I had no presents to open on my birthday. I had food in my belly and a roof over my head, so I needed to suck it up and just deal.

I've been dreaming a lot about my dad, and continual dreams about packing up my dad's things. His birthday is three days before mine and we always used to celebrate together somewhere in the middle. This was also a huge hole this year and the last.

Financially things are a nightmare right now. I had to get a new job. Again. It involves a $4 an hour paycut at the outset. Eventually its supposed to go up $2 or so. Right now is very much an employer's market. My last job that I love ended - the company was bought by a larger company in New Jersey, and New Jersey is where all marketing and office jobs went. I am now an Office Manager for a local business. There's a lot of stress involved, my boss is a stress case and it all rolls downhill. We are still trying to get a groove.

There's been some ugly stuff related to my husband's ex wife's debt and old hospital bills from the boy that are making it difficult to make ends meet. Things are not good right now. We are struggling to save the house, and not finding much help anywhere. He's going to work on getting a garnishment for the judgment we have on his ex wife to help make ends meet. She owes us thousands, and also has never, ever paid her percentage of the kids' medical bills. Who knows what will happen.

I've also had to be paying COBRA prices for insurance, which is nearly $500 a month. With several preexisting conditions, if I let the coverage lapse I am suddenly uninsurable, which is a huge problem. The meds that allow me to get out of bed and work are hundreds a month without insurance, so I might as well pay for it.

I'm just really down and out, and now that I'm this big official ADULT number of 35, I feel like my shit should be together and its so so not. And that kind of makes me feel like a failure.

Still alive and kicking

It’s been a while since I last updated. A whole lot has happened.


In May I lost my job. I got to “resign” under the terms of a settlement agreement I can’t discuss. It all ended up okay, as I quickly found another job, that I absolutely LOVE. Now I am marketing gummy vitamins. This is actually a great product line that my family used long before my employment. I got a slight raise, its close to home, I have a great boss. I love being back in marketing.

The tricky part is I’ve already been talked to about “attendance”. Next time it goes in my “HR File”. I got sick twice and was late twice since I started working here. If only they knew how hard I worked to get here in the morning… knew how I woke up early to take my morning meds, so they could kick in before I had to get there. (These meds have caused me to gain about 20 lbs, as a side effect). How I cry in the shower as I stretch out my muscles. How I hobble around, take twice as long to get into my clothes (especially pants… damn you pants!) as I should because I am so stiff and sore. How I have three lidocaine pain patches that I can apply (for 12 hours – I dread the 12 hours “off” patches), and I have to choose what hurts the most to stick them on. “Hmm, ankles or thighs? Biceps? Definitely my back…” How I would give my left arm to be able to just go back to bed and sit on the heat pad for a while… So, I go to work and pill up if I have to. I have no choice. I feel like I have an 80 year old body. I am just perpetually so, so tired. My body does not want to work. Unless you have FM/CFS I don’t think you can relate to the level of tired that happens. Every cell screams just to be left alone.

I’m not a complainer. I try not to let fibro rule my life. I joke a lot of it off. I usually answer “Fine” or “Good” when asked how I am (unless you are hubby – he is privy to the uncensored answer – ha). I want to work. I want to be able to do whatever I want and not be physically limited. I want to have energy. I am basically “in the closet” about all of this in general. Three people at new job know – immediate boss, office roomie, and a friend I have made here.

The pressure of being the primary breadwinner for a family of four is hard. If it was just me I wouldn’t worry so much. If I could find a decent paying job with some flexibility on hours… if I could just work part time…but there are two kids, a house, a herd of cats and the dog to care for. I need insurance. My job means we are all secure - I lose it and we aren’t. I try to have that motivate me to get out of bed in the morning. Honestly, at least two days a week that is what motivates me to get out of bed. That’s it. If it were just me I’d be living in some hovel watching daytime talk TV. So I guess I should be grateful that I have responsibilities?

One more good thing is that obviously hubby is in this for the long haul, as this has put a strain on a lot of things, and he still loves and supports me through it. I am so lucky.

The gabapentin works. Or better yet, I should say it helps. I know this because if I forget and miss a dose I end up in real bad shape and sit there wondering “Why do I feel like death?” Then it dawns on me. An hour or so later I can function again. I have been bumped up on this drug twice in the last year and a half since I started it. I already am terrified of what I will do when I “max out” on the dose. I hope beyond hope that they have found something else that will work for me.

Right before I lost my job I tried Savella – the “new miracle” drug for fibro. I took ½ of the smallest dose. I ended up throwing up, diarrhea, dizzy, nauseous. We went to the movies as a reward for the kids (it was promised). On the way out I fell over a curb. I ended up in agonizing pain and at the Urgent Care. I had X-rays which revealed that I had only bruised my pelvis, not cracked it. I had contusions and bruises all over my body. It was awful.

God, I hate fibromyalgia.


Vitamins/supplements seem to be helping. I take Calcium, Vitamin D, Omega-3 and a Multi.. I just started to take some D-Ribose, but it’s likely in a low enough dose not to be that helpful. B-12 vitamins help a lot. They get me through the afternoon. Omegas have helped with dry eye and dry mouth. Magnesium Malate is still a major life saver for evening leg cramps and RLS.

My mother and I are doing ok. We have a lighter relationship. I don’t discuss the fibro with her. I don’t discuss anything serious with her, anything I don’t want repeated or given advice about. Just this last weekend I had to cancel a planned lunch with her as I felt bad. I just told her I felt rotten and left it at that. It is working. I wish it was different, but there’s no point in wishing for impossible things. At least we have a relationship.

The kids go with their bio-mom on vacation this weekend for a week. The one gloriously quiet kid free week. This weekend hubby and I are going to Seattle to see the King Tut exhibit. I am concerned that my stupid fibro is going to flare (I’m in a baby flare right now). Usually we walk all over the town exploring. I can’t do that anymore. I am going to have to be more selective over where we go. Hopefully we can find fun places to linger, to stop and people watch. There are certain places I definitely want to go – the Pike Place market, Hot Pot Donuts, La Panier Bakery (Best. Macarons. EVER.), Lowell’s. Then of course we have to go to the Museum to see King Tut and the outlet mall in Tulalip. I have purchased some WONDERFUL shoes (Alegria) that really help foot/knee fatigue, but nothing is a miracle. This is our one chance to have a vacation though, so I’m going to make the most of it.

Oops we did it again.

We took in yet another stray cat.

Her name is Gabrielle. She is about three months old and as big as Madison. LOL. She's part Bengal, so she's going to be a big girl.

Took her to the vet today and made sure nothing serious is going on with her (she was rescued last night). So she's my birthday kitten. LOL

Yes, I am the crazy cat lady.

stupid blogger

I can't comment on anyones blogs! it gives me some crap about "account not being authorized to post on this page" - huh??

Cry, baby.

I've never been a "crier". I HATE crying, and the most humiliating thing I can think of (other than being naked in public) is crying in public.

I didn't grow up in a very demonstrative household (unless being cracked upside the head is demonstrative - lol), and when I met hubby I initially had a really hard time with the amount of physical contact that both he and his children were comfortable with. It took me some time to get used to holding hands in public, or accepting a peck in public or what have you.

Anyway. Work has been extremely challenging, and I got really really nasty and hateful email from my mother last week. I had a major (and I mean MAJOR) fibro flare brought on by the stress there and the stress of being away from home. I don't travel well these days, and being in the car, sleeping in a new place with new smells and new sounds and a new bed was really hard on me, and sleep was elusive. I had a migraine the day before we left, and it carried through Saturday, and I was wiped the entire beach trip.

This made me really ANGRY and one of the ways I express major anger is to, yep, cry. Hubby was a champion and listened to me rant and rave and hate my fibro and worry I'll never make it to Europe (Paris is the one dream I've had my whole life) if I can't even take a 3 hour car ride to the next state etc. So I sprung a major leak.

I came back to work Tuesday, worked half a day, and then couldn't get up Wednesday. Like I slept for 15 hours straight, and then hubby woke me up cause he was worried. I could hardly walk, the muscles in the back of my legs would not work.

I came to work yesterday (Thursday) and barely made it through. I have an office roommate now (maybe only for another month or two - supposed to get more office space soon) and she's a nice person, but being a sales person she is loud. As are the scents of her lotion, her phone, her laugh, her friends that visit all day long etc. I close the door, she opens it. I can't THINK at all when I'm in a deep fibro fog and she's laughing on the phone or something 4 feet from me. I totally, completely, sensory overloaded melted down yesterday.

I bailed out of the office before I started crying, and found one of my friends here (receptionist) and asked her where my other friend (and HR person - there are 4 of them) was - she was out. And my friend asked me if I was ok, and then it just started.

I blubbered and ranted and raved and cried and she hugged me and she cried a little too and then she put me back together again.

Friends that you can do this with are RARE, and I am so blessed to have a few of these kinds of friends. Being able to talk it out with her, and acknowledge it with her understanding, was incredibly healing. I am sick to death of people that don't "get" fibro - the "oh it's all in your head" or "it's all the pills you take" (mom's latest barb involved these) and that "oh, well I'm tired too". There is tired and then there is FIBRO tired, the I can't fucking move or I will cry type of sore. Think of the worst flu you ever had. Remove the puking, and BOOM you have an idea of what it feels like to be in a bad fibro flare. Although I have been known to puke from intense pain, so maybe you can keep that in. I digress.

Anyway, I was a super crab yesterday when I got home, I was mad at work, I was mad at myself for crying and feeling like giving up. Hubby loved me through it and I slept really really well last night.

And today I feel great.

Obviously, that release was what I needed - I needed to throw a mini "its not fair" tantrum and get some of it out. Because yeah, it's NOT fair. I spent the first three decades of my life being a Type A Achiever, simultaneouly going to school and working full time, taking care of my dad, figuring out how to divorce an abuser, being self sufficient. It all hit at once. No one helped put me through school. I did it. I pay these loans. No one paid my rent. I did it, since I was 17 and my mom kicked me out.

And then comes fibro... who made me slow down. Forced me to stop and rest, or I will pay for days and days. I am learning not to take things so seriously. Everything in my house doesn't need to be perfect. I don't lust for $3000 handbags anymore. I have learned the simple pleasure of tuning out to the TV when I am to fogged up to read or knit. Everything has changed.

And today? Today I can handle stupid fibro. I'm strong enough. Thanks to the help of my friends.