1. You aren't responsible for what your parents did to you, they are.
2. You are responsible for what you do with your life now, your parents aren't.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Life is always interesting. Purge post.
Since I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I've been doing a lot of reading, a lot of talking, a lot of sharing with online support groups, etc. The more I read about the mind-body-spirit connection, and learn about it from therapists the more I end up delving back into my childhood.
The other day a post in an online Fibro group on facebook, that I thought was "Closed", wasn't. The post was about how some of us have family members that aren't supportive with our needs. Those of you on facebook know that if you post something to someone's "Wall" it will say something like "X person posted on X's wall" and you can click on it.
Well, apparently (because she has to absolutely know everything) my mother clicked on this link to a post I made. Which said that she was a narcissist, toxic, and that she wasn't supportive, along with some specifics in the way that she's not supportive.
I received a phone call, where she had that tone of voice, that sing-songey "you're busted" voice that I remember from being a kid, and says "Hi. What are you doing?" I tell her that I'm reading. She then proceeds to tell me she saw what I posted and because it could "affect her business" (she is a hair stylist, and we have several mutual friends that are clients of hers) she demanded I deleted it. I said "Ok, sorry." She hung up on me.
I went and deleted the post, and let the admin for the group (who is also an in real life friend) know that it wasn't "locked down" and what happened.
Well, of course my mother sent me a long email about how I am a horrible person, vicious, a liar etc. I sent a message back not apologizing for the content of the post (because it was absolutely TRUE) but for the delivery (I would not have used such harsh words with her if we were discussing in person, the fact that it was public, which I didn't intend) and that it wasn't the way I wanted to discuss this issue with her.
She then sent back another email (which I waited a "cool off day") to read, about how it's "sad" and I'm full of lies, and she and my stepdad are disappointed and that I should just stay away from her and stop blaming other people for my problems.
Ok, I can stay away.
Again, even her responses to this were about how she could be "seen" by other people - the "me me me" of the narcissism.
1. She had no right to read my venting on a support group, for a disease that she claims is all in my head. This is not a new issue, as she continually read my diary when I was a kid, snooped in my room, listened in to my phone calls, etc. She never let me have any privacy. She would barge into the bathroom when I was in there if she needed something.
2. The kind of narcissism she struggles with is entanglement - she sees me as an extension of her. I only exist to her as a reflection of her, not as my own being. When I ran away to get married at 18 she sent me a 20+ page letter about how I was shaming my family, and letting them all down. It has never been about my feelings.
3. She was abusive when I was a kid. I was grounded for stupid stuff (like grounded for a week for leaving toothpaste on the bathroom counter). She would leave me at home while she was out gallavanting with whatever boyfriend she had (usually significantly younger than she). She would take off for Reno for the weekend and call drunk, making sure I was still at home, "grounded." If I ever stood up for myself or argued I'd get a crack across my face. Sometimes I deserved it, but sometimes I didn't. She has pulled my hair, slapped me so hard I had bruises (I mouthed off to her when I was busted sneaking out), she has hit me multiple times with a broom, hairbrush, whatever she had in her hand. There were times she got that rage in her eyes I really thought she might kill me.
4. She blames all of my problems on my father leaving at age 11. Yes, that was horrible, and it created abandonment issues and a whole lot of other issues. I dealt with that through intensive counseling (years) and also worked through a lot of that when my dad was sick. The one that was abandoned took in the abandoner. That was healing in a lot of ways.
But talk about abandonment - my senior year in high school she moved into my (then future) stepdad's house, with him and his kid (who hated me). Initially she left me in the apartment we lived in. But it's ok, because she would leave a check for groceries. Eventually I had to move out to my stepdad's house. She then spent all of her time with my stepbrother - who rejected her in the end. I was invisible to her for an entire year. Until the night of graduation, when I told her I was going to stay up and out all night with all of my friends at a sleepover. She said if I didn't come home that night, not to come home at all. She meant it. I was kicked out, I moved in with my boyfriend, and then yep, got married. She refused to acknowledge this wedding, she didn't come, she didn't do anything except send me that 20+ page letter. We didn't talk for almost a year.
5. From the time I was born I always, ALWAYS, had to be perfect, had to be the best. She took great pride in telling anyone who would listen that I was potty trained by 2, reading by 3, knew my right from left foot when I was still in the crib. She used me as her own personal doll. I was a tomboy - I wanted to catch tadpoles, play in the dirt, play in the garage with my dad. She wanted the princess. She bought me a canopy bed, and I asked if I could swing from the bars. She dressed me in frilly girly stuff I hated, and yelled at me when I got dirty, and changed my clothes multiple times. She criticised my school pictures for having messy hair, or something unkempt about me. If I got all A's and a B she would complain that I was "so close" to all A's. If I did what she wanted, I felt loved. If I did what I wanted to do, I felt rejected. Therapists call this "lack of voice."
6. She always, ALWAYS has to be the center of attention. 80% of her friends are significantly younger than she is, and she always points this out, about how fun and young she is. She is obsessed with her appearance. She would not go out to get the mail without her makeup and hair done. She is the most vain person I have ever encountered. She is obsessed with looking young, and constantly wants reinforcement about how young she looks compared to so & so. She always tells me I need to change my appearance - wear more colors (I gravitate towards black), get a tan (it would make me look THINNER) etc etc.
7. She has treated me as her emotional spouse/savior my entire life. She expects me to help her with her problems, solve them for her. I have recently learned it is not my job to save her. Yet, if I confide in her, and just want her to listen, she will be full of unsolicited advice about what I should do. She doesn't think I can solve problems on my own, that I am incompetent. She also continually talks behind everyone's back - so in so must be anorexic, so in so's husband is a creep, so in so must be bipolar - and these are her so called friends...
8. She has criticised my parenting, undermined my marriage, told me (in a "supportive move" of course) that I can come and live with her and my stepfather if I ever feel trapped and want to leave. I don't want an escape hatch on my marriage, and if something did happen, her home is the last place I would go! I am 34 years old for God's sake!
9. She is incapable of seeing any of this. She also has denied things that have happened (I "imagined" it), minimized, exaggerated, and I really think she BELIEVES her lies. She just can't see how she is.
So yeah, ok... I guess I broke up with my mom. And I got back my voice.
The other day a post in an online Fibro group on facebook, that I thought was "Closed", wasn't. The post was about how some of us have family members that aren't supportive with our needs. Those of you on facebook know that if you post something to someone's "Wall" it will say something like "X person posted on X's wall" and you can click on it.
Well, apparently (because she has to absolutely know everything) my mother clicked on this link to a post I made. Which said that she was a narcissist, toxic, and that she wasn't supportive, along with some specifics in the way that she's not supportive.
I received a phone call, where she had that tone of voice, that sing-songey "you're busted" voice that I remember from being a kid, and says "Hi. What are you doing?" I tell her that I'm reading. She then proceeds to tell me she saw what I posted and because it could "affect her business" (she is a hair stylist, and we have several mutual friends that are clients of hers) she demanded I deleted it. I said "Ok, sorry." She hung up on me.
I went and deleted the post, and let the admin for the group (who is also an in real life friend) know that it wasn't "locked down" and what happened.
Well, of course my mother sent me a long email about how I am a horrible person, vicious, a liar etc. I sent a message back not apologizing for the content of the post (because it was absolutely TRUE) but for the delivery (I would not have used such harsh words with her if we were discussing in person, the fact that it was public, which I didn't intend) and that it wasn't the way I wanted to discuss this issue with her.
She then sent back another email (which I waited a "cool off day") to read, about how it's "sad" and I'm full of lies, and she and my stepdad are disappointed and that I should just stay away from her and stop blaming other people for my problems.
Ok, I can stay away.
Again, even her responses to this were about how she could be "seen" by other people - the "me me me" of the narcissism.
1. She had no right to read my venting on a support group, for a disease that she claims is all in my head. This is not a new issue, as she continually read my diary when I was a kid, snooped in my room, listened in to my phone calls, etc. She never let me have any privacy. She would barge into the bathroom when I was in there if she needed something.
2. The kind of narcissism she struggles with is entanglement - she sees me as an extension of her. I only exist to her as a reflection of her, not as my own being. When I ran away to get married at 18 she sent me a 20+ page letter about how I was shaming my family, and letting them all down. It has never been about my feelings.
3. She was abusive when I was a kid. I was grounded for stupid stuff (like grounded for a week for leaving toothpaste on the bathroom counter). She would leave me at home while she was out gallavanting with whatever boyfriend she had (usually significantly younger than she). She would take off for Reno for the weekend and call drunk, making sure I was still at home, "grounded." If I ever stood up for myself or argued I'd get a crack across my face. Sometimes I deserved it, but sometimes I didn't. She has pulled my hair, slapped me so hard I had bruises (I mouthed off to her when I was busted sneaking out), she has hit me multiple times with a broom, hairbrush, whatever she had in her hand. There were times she got that rage in her eyes I really thought she might kill me.
4. She blames all of my problems on my father leaving at age 11. Yes, that was horrible, and it created abandonment issues and a whole lot of other issues. I dealt with that through intensive counseling (years) and also worked through a lot of that when my dad was sick. The one that was abandoned took in the abandoner. That was healing in a lot of ways.
But talk about abandonment - my senior year in high school she moved into my (then future) stepdad's house, with him and his kid (who hated me). Initially she left me in the apartment we lived in. But it's ok, because she would leave a check for groceries. Eventually I had to move out to my stepdad's house. She then spent all of her time with my stepbrother - who rejected her in the end. I was invisible to her for an entire year. Until the night of graduation, when I told her I was going to stay up and out all night with all of my friends at a sleepover. She said if I didn't come home that night, not to come home at all. She meant it. I was kicked out, I moved in with my boyfriend, and then yep, got married. She refused to acknowledge this wedding, she didn't come, she didn't do anything except send me that 20+ page letter. We didn't talk for almost a year.
5. From the time I was born I always, ALWAYS, had to be perfect, had to be the best. She took great pride in telling anyone who would listen that I was potty trained by 2, reading by 3, knew my right from left foot when I was still in the crib. She used me as her own personal doll. I was a tomboy - I wanted to catch tadpoles, play in the dirt, play in the garage with my dad. She wanted the princess. She bought me a canopy bed, and I asked if I could swing from the bars. She dressed me in frilly girly stuff I hated, and yelled at me when I got dirty, and changed my clothes multiple times. She criticised my school pictures for having messy hair, or something unkempt about me. If I got all A's and a B she would complain that I was "so close" to all A's. If I did what she wanted, I felt loved. If I did what I wanted to do, I felt rejected. Therapists call this "lack of voice."
6. She always, ALWAYS has to be the center of attention. 80% of her friends are significantly younger than she is, and she always points this out, about how fun and young she is. She is obsessed with her appearance. She would not go out to get the mail without her makeup and hair done. She is the most vain person I have ever encountered. She is obsessed with looking young, and constantly wants reinforcement about how young she looks compared to so & so. She always tells me I need to change my appearance - wear more colors (I gravitate towards black), get a tan (it would make me look THINNER) etc etc.
7. She has treated me as her emotional spouse/savior my entire life. She expects me to help her with her problems, solve them for her. I have recently learned it is not my job to save her. Yet, if I confide in her, and just want her to listen, she will be full of unsolicited advice about what I should do. She doesn't think I can solve problems on my own, that I am incompetent. She also continually talks behind everyone's back - so in so must be anorexic, so in so's husband is a creep, so in so must be bipolar - and these are her so called friends...
8. She has criticised my parenting, undermined my marriage, told me (in a "supportive move" of course) that I can come and live with her and my stepfather if I ever feel trapped and want to leave. I don't want an escape hatch on my marriage, and if something did happen, her home is the last place I would go! I am 34 years old for God's sake!
9. She is incapable of seeing any of this. She also has denied things that have happened (I "imagined" it), minimized, exaggerated, and I really think she BELIEVES her lies. She just can't see how she is.
So yeah, ok... I guess I broke up with my mom. And I got back my voice.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
F-you-myalgia
Monday was a nightmare. As in took me 5 minutes to get 12 feet to the bathroom to pee nightmare. As in all day in bed nightmare. As in stumble out to the kitchen weeping, looking for your husband, who tries to help you by rubbing your pounding head until you go back to the bathroom to lie on the floor, throw up multiple times, and cry. As in take 30 minutes to get anything down your throat (toast? FAIL. Pop Tart? Ok... just take small bites...)
Migraine meds didn't work. They made me dizzy however, and I ran into a few walls, and the toilet etc, and felt drunk (in a bad way) but the headache raged on.
I was really scared for the first time on Monday. I don't even know if hubby knew how scared.
My right arm was tingly/numb (you know, like you hit your funny bone?) off and on all day yesterday. Tried to avoid thinking about what that could mean. Still had the f*cking headache. Made it to work until 2.
So I've had issues with balance. This is an issue, as there are stairs going into every entry in my house. My knees burn and want to give out, I catch myself on the railing if I am lucky, or stumble down the steps if I am unlucky - no total faceplant yet.
The gabapentin that seemed like a MIRACLE is more of a "meh" - I can tell when it's been about 6 hours as the pain comes back hardcore, so it is still working, kinda.
The emotions involved, with knowing I need some sort of "walking stick" (bullshit nice-coated words for CANE) at 34 years old to get up my damn house stairs without killing myself is just mind-numbing. Like, why? I need to get over myself though, the pride issue. So what. (Hence the name of this blog)
And the stupidest thing is I'm worried about how my mother (you know, the one who says my disease is not real?) will react to the cane. I alternately want to hide it from her, or wave it in her face and say "SEE? SEE? I am not a liar! This is real! I am not a hypochondriac!" but the fact that this is even a concern is ridiculous. What is it about that woman that can make me feel 10 years old again?
She's basically my only family left. My 85 year old grandma and some cousins I have rare contact with. It's not just in my head that she's begun to get more negative with me over time, but it just kills that little kid inside me and I don't know what I am supposed to do.
I post a funny cat video on my page, and she lets me know that "the poor thing is suffering with fleas, she can see". Like, just let me frigging laugh! The video was posted by an animal charity, so I doubt the cat was suffering, so whatever. That's just so HER though.
"I'm taking a day off because I don't feel well." Her: "I hope you don't get fired!" (I am on FMLA, so I CAN'T LEGALLY GET FIRED BECAUSE I AM SICK. I explain this to her four times and she still doesn't seem to believe me.
Wow, this got really off track and into a dumping of mommy-issues. Maybe she's right and I do need a shrink. ?
Migraine meds didn't work. They made me dizzy however, and I ran into a few walls, and the toilet etc, and felt drunk (in a bad way) but the headache raged on.
I was really scared for the first time on Monday. I don't even know if hubby knew how scared.
My right arm was tingly/numb (you know, like you hit your funny bone?) off and on all day yesterday. Tried to avoid thinking about what that could mean. Still had the f*cking headache. Made it to work until 2.
So I've had issues with balance. This is an issue, as there are stairs going into every entry in my house. My knees burn and want to give out, I catch myself on the railing if I am lucky, or stumble down the steps if I am unlucky - no total faceplant yet.
The gabapentin that seemed like a MIRACLE is more of a "meh" - I can tell when it's been about 6 hours as the pain comes back hardcore, so it is still working, kinda.
The emotions involved, with knowing I need some sort of "walking stick" (bullshit nice-coated words for CANE) at 34 years old to get up my damn house stairs without killing myself is just mind-numbing. Like, why? I need to get over myself though, the pride issue. So what. (Hence the name of this blog)
And the stupidest thing is I'm worried about how my mother (you know, the one who says my disease is not real?) will react to the cane. I alternately want to hide it from her, or wave it in her face and say "SEE? SEE? I am not a liar! This is real! I am not a hypochondriac!" but the fact that this is even a concern is ridiculous. What is it about that woman that can make me feel 10 years old again?
She's basically my only family left. My 85 year old grandma and some cousins I have rare contact with. It's not just in my head that she's begun to get more negative with me over time, but it just kills that little kid inside me and I don't know what I am supposed to do.
I post a funny cat video on my page, and she lets me know that "the poor thing is suffering with fleas, she can see". Like, just let me frigging laugh! The video was posted by an animal charity, so I doubt the cat was suffering, so whatever. That's just so HER though.
"I'm taking a day off because I don't feel well." Her: "I hope you don't get fired!" (I am on FMLA, so I CAN'T LEGALLY GET FIRED BECAUSE I AM SICK. I explain this to her four times and she still doesn't seem to believe me.
Wow, this got really off track and into a dumping of mommy-issues. Maybe she's right and I do need a shrink. ?
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Two steps forward, one step back
I've got a raging case of bronchitis. LOL. It's always something... I do have antibiotics though, so life should be good soon. I've been sick a week now and missed 2 days of work, fun times. I'm officially out of sick time now, and vacation, so any more sickness is money out of the paycheck. Not good. So sucking it up has commenced.
Poor Dave has my crud now too - hopefully he won't get it as bad as I do.
I started the South Beach Diet on Monday. Holy crap it's hard. LOL. I don't remember it being this hard when I detoxed last time I did this. I did notice my urge is to comfort myself with junk when I don't feel good, so that is one thing I've already learned. He made the mistake of eating licorice in front of me and I freaked out last night. LOL.
The fact that it is this hard tells me that it's likely something that needed to be done. I know I definitely needed to get off of the processed sugar. I'm thinking about dropping the rest of the phase one (no fruit! AUGH!) and going into phase two (healthy carbs) so I don't completely fall off of the wagon. I know the weight drops slower, but I need to get into something that I don't feel so damn deprived on. This is why diets continue to fail me.
Poor Dave has my crud now too - hopefully he won't get it as bad as I do.
I started the South Beach Diet on Monday. Holy crap it's hard. LOL. I don't remember it being this hard when I detoxed last time I did this. I did notice my urge is to comfort myself with junk when I don't feel good, so that is one thing I've already learned. He made the mistake of eating licorice in front of me and I freaked out last night. LOL.
The fact that it is this hard tells me that it's likely something that needed to be done. I know I definitely needed to get off of the processed sugar. I'm thinking about dropping the rest of the phase one (no fruit! AUGH!) and going into phase two (healthy carbs) so I don't completely fall off of the wagon. I know the weight drops slower, but I need to get into something that I don't feel so damn deprived on. This is why diets continue to fail me.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
It's been a while.
Yep, it's me again - the long lost blogger. I haven't blogged in so long as I've had many things going on and zero leftover energy. I'm at a point now where I'm coming back to myself, and so here I am.
That whole feeling like hell every day of my life thing that was going on? It has a name now - Fibromyalgia.
In the interest of perhaps helping someone else who may be struggling, I'm going to get into the gory details.
After going through every test known to man, that's the diagnosis. It's a baffling and confusing disease, and it's a little bit different for everyone, but here's what mine looks like:
Constant fatigue
Pain - everywhere, everyday - making things like walking up a flight of stairs, or trying to brush my hair nearly impossible
Extra clumsiness - I had many unfortunate accidents with furniture and the like
Brain "fog" - aphasia, not remembering words that were at the tip of my tongue, multi-tasking was out the window
Insomnia
Migraines - oh the migraines -
Irritable Bowel Symptoms (fun fun)
TMJ
Painful menstrual periods
Having to cancel plans CONSTANTLY because I literally couldn't get out of bed, putting major strain on friendships
Sensitivity to everything (light, odors, sounds, temperature - too hot, too cold)
Being so sore I don't even want to be touched/hugged
Sensitive to clothes, especially tags or anything with texture
Vicodin didn't work at ALL
and generally feeling completely worthless.
Trying to pick up my electric guitar and play - impossible. The pain brought me to my knees.
Exercise? HAH! I would stumble into bed as soon as humanely possible after work, IF I was able to go to work. Forget about motorcycle riding and standing for hours at concerts - you know, the things that put me in a state of bliss? The things that made me me? GONE.
So in the last six months I've been learning how to make peace with this chronic disease. At first I thought it was just the grief of losing my dad, and I was having a hard time. But soon it became clear that the things that have haunted me my whole life (tummy troubles and headaches, clumsiness) had been turned up to an 11 on the scale of 1-10, and something was wrong.
I finally made my way to a wonderful rheumatologist in March, who ruled out arthiritis (turns out I do have a bit in my hands, and with both parents having major issues with this, it is also in my future) and took one look at me, touched my "trigger points" (which about made me fly off of her table), and knew what was up. I was also diagnosed with Restless Leg Syndrome, which actually can affect yours arms too (as it does in me) Literally, thank God for her and her knowledge!!
She took my blood samples and I was dangerously deficient in magnesium, iron, and Vitamin D. So I get to take 50,000IU of Vit D a week now (don't try this at home kids), I take Magnesium Malate at 625mg daily, and am no longer a vegetarian.
Yeah, huge changes.
But the upside is, um, I really like bacon. HA I need to move into a more "low carb" lifestyle, to avoid insulin resistance, which is already an issue for me, and common also in Fibro.
As far as the med regimen, here's what that looks like:
Cymbalta 60mg (daily) - I was already on this dose for depression, turns out it helps fibromyalgia too
Flexeril - 5mg-10mg as needed - this is a muscle relaxer
Ultram - 50-100mg as needed - this is a pain killer, that is not an opiate like Vicodin, and it works BETTER for fibromyalgia than Vicodin
(Note: there is a risk of seizure with the combo of the above three meds, as they all increase serotonin, which can lead to serotonin syndrome - which has a very specific list of symptoms, and fortunately this has not been an issue with me)
and my new BEST FRIEND - the MIRACLE in my life - Gabapentin, 300mg, 3X a day - I've just contacted Doc to see if I can take this 4X a day, as I'm discovering between hour 5 and 6 it wears off and the pain starts stabbing into me again. The first dose I took it knocked me OUT cold and I woke up feeling like I was 15 again and high on pot. Dose two went much better (no pass out) and by dose three it was like I had my life back. I could have cried, but that just would have given me a headache. ;)
The downside is some people gain weight on it. I have noticed I want to eat, oh, everything in sight, and it's almost like the pot induced "munchies" so I do have to be careful here, as I don't need "help" in that department either...ugh
I am a bit "loopy" on the gabapentin, which I guess will fade in time with the gabapentin, but it's like a complete relief not having that constant agony. I can WORK. I can THINK better, not trying to grit my teeth through the pain and literally count the minutes until I can get out my clothes and into my soft, worn jammies and pass out.
So while everyone's chemistry is different, I thought I'd share my brand of Fibro cocktail.
Job is going well - I applied for FMLA when I got the fibro diagnosis, and was approved - so now that I'm basically out of sick and vacation time, I can have unpaid time due to the Fibro as needed and not get fired - which is a huge relief. It's hard, because I don't like being "sick" but at the same time I need to be open with friends/family/employer what's going on.
To top things off, my mother doesn't think Fibromyalgia is "real" - it's a hypochondriac disease. Yeah... that's why a med for nerve pain works miracles Ma, it's all in my head. Sigh. Unfortunately this stance of hers has alienated me somewhat from her and hurt my feelings, and we are a bit distanced at the time. I don't like it, but at the same time she can be toxic about things like this, and adapt a "know it all" attitude about things, and I do NOT need that right now.
Dave has been an absolute champion - picking up the slack when I'm too tired and sore to cook, clean, help with homework, etc - not getting pissed at me when I'm too sore to have sex, when I cry about how horrible I feel, when I am a huge blubbering mess. Thank God I married a good man.
I also have to give a shout out to diabetic socks - I could not handle the pain/pressure regular socks brought, and someone suggested this fix - and man, did that help!
That whole feeling like hell every day of my life thing that was going on? It has a name now - Fibromyalgia.
In the interest of perhaps helping someone else who may be struggling, I'm going to get into the gory details.
After going through every test known to man, that's the diagnosis. It's a baffling and confusing disease, and it's a little bit different for everyone, but here's what mine looks like:
Constant fatigue
Pain - everywhere, everyday - making things like walking up a flight of stairs, or trying to brush my hair nearly impossible
Extra clumsiness - I had many unfortunate accidents with furniture and the like
Brain "fog" - aphasia, not remembering words that were at the tip of my tongue, multi-tasking was out the window
Insomnia
Migraines - oh the migraines -
Irritable Bowel Symptoms (fun fun)
TMJ
Painful menstrual periods
Having to cancel plans CONSTANTLY because I literally couldn't get out of bed, putting major strain on friendships
Sensitivity to everything (light, odors, sounds, temperature - too hot, too cold)
Being so sore I don't even want to be touched/hugged
Sensitive to clothes, especially tags or anything with texture
Vicodin didn't work at ALL
and generally feeling completely worthless.
Trying to pick up my electric guitar and play - impossible. The pain brought me to my knees.
Exercise? HAH! I would stumble into bed as soon as humanely possible after work, IF I was able to go to work. Forget about motorcycle riding and standing for hours at concerts - you know, the things that put me in a state of bliss? The things that made me me? GONE.
So in the last six months I've been learning how to make peace with this chronic disease. At first I thought it was just the grief of losing my dad, and I was having a hard time. But soon it became clear that the things that have haunted me my whole life (tummy troubles and headaches, clumsiness) had been turned up to an 11 on the scale of 1-10, and something was wrong.
I finally made my way to a wonderful rheumatologist in March, who ruled out arthiritis (turns out I do have a bit in my hands, and with both parents having major issues with this, it is also in my future) and took one look at me, touched my "trigger points" (which about made me fly off of her table), and knew what was up. I was also diagnosed with Restless Leg Syndrome, which actually can affect yours arms too (as it does in me) Literally, thank God for her and her knowledge!!
She took my blood samples and I was dangerously deficient in magnesium, iron, and Vitamin D. So I get to take 50,000IU of Vit D a week now (don't try this at home kids), I take Magnesium Malate at 625mg daily, and am no longer a vegetarian.
Yeah, huge changes.
But the upside is, um, I really like bacon. HA I need to move into a more "low carb" lifestyle, to avoid insulin resistance, which is already an issue for me, and common also in Fibro.
As far as the med regimen, here's what that looks like:
Cymbalta 60mg (daily) - I was already on this dose for depression, turns out it helps fibromyalgia too
Flexeril - 5mg-10mg as needed - this is a muscle relaxer
Ultram - 50-100mg as needed - this is a pain killer, that is not an opiate like Vicodin, and it works BETTER for fibromyalgia than Vicodin
(Note: there is a risk of seizure with the combo of the above three meds, as they all increase serotonin, which can lead to serotonin syndrome - which has a very specific list of symptoms, and fortunately this has not been an issue with me)
and my new BEST FRIEND - the MIRACLE in my life - Gabapentin, 300mg, 3X a day - I've just contacted Doc to see if I can take this 4X a day, as I'm discovering between hour 5 and 6 it wears off and the pain starts stabbing into me again. The first dose I took it knocked me OUT cold and I woke up feeling like I was 15 again and high on pot. Dose two went much better (no pass out) and by dose three it was like I had my life back. I could have cried, but that just would have given me a headache. ;)
The downside is some people gain weight on it. I have noticed I want to eat, oh, everything in sight, and it's almost like the pot induced "munchies" so I do have to be careful here, as I don't need "help" in that department either...ugh
I am a bit "loopy" on the gabapentin, which I guess will fade in time with the gabapentin, but it's like a complete relief not having that constant agony. I can WORK. I can THINK better, not trying to grit my teeth through the pain and literally count the minutes until I can get out my clothes and into my soft, worn jammies and pass out.
So while everyone's chemistry is different, I thought I'd share my brand of Fibro cocktail.
Job is going well - I applied for FMLA when I got the fibro diagnosis, and was approved - so now that I'm basically out of sick and vacation time, I can have unpaid time due to the Fibro as needed and not get fired - which is a huge relief. It's hard, because I don't like being "sick" but at the same time I need to be open with friends/family/employer what's going on.
To top things off, my mother doesn't think Fibromyalgia is "real" - it's a hypochondriac disease. Yeah... that's why a med for nerve pain works miracles Ma, it's all in my head. Sigh. Unfortunately this stance of hers has alienated me somewhat from her and hurt my feelings, and we are a bit distanced at the time. I don't like it, but at the same time she can be toxic about things like this, and adapt a "know it all" attitude about things, and I do NOT need that right now.
Dave has been an absolute champion - picking up the slack when I'm too tired and sore to cook, clean, help with homework, etc - not getting pissed at me when I'm too sore to have sex, when I cry about how horrible I feel, when I am a huge blubbering mess. Thank God I married a good man.
I also have to give a shout out to diabetic socks - I could not handle the pain/pressure regular socks brought, and someone suggested this fix - and man, did that help!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
R.I.P.
R. I. P. Isabelle Caro - another victim of anorexia.
She did a ton to try to help other people.
So sad.
She did a ton to try to help other people.
So sad.
Year end wrap up.
This year has been a very active one. Some crazy things have happened: losing Dad (although the dementia took him a long time ago, I guess), my stepson's hospitalization, financial worries, a cancer scare with my mother. There are some things to be grateful for also: Dad BEAT dementia! He was set free from the prison of his mind and body slowly failing. I was fortunate enough to have a job change, which was a huge positivity in my life. And hubby and I are closer than ever after weathering so many crisis situations in the past year. I took up knitting, which is like psychotherapy but a lot cheaper and WAY more fun. And of course there was the arrival of my furbaby, love of my life, Madison, who is like my heart walking around outside my body.
So while I am SO SO ready for 2010 to go away, I am trying to remain thankful for the good things that happened too.
My main goals for 2011 are:
- Get in better financial shape. I did a whole lot of stress shopping this year, and it's time to pay off those credit cards and save an emergency fund once and for all. I've already got a good start on this, as I've sold 95% of my "luxury" items (jewelry, bags etc) to pay off some of this debt. Hopefully the tax refund will help with this also. NO BOREDOM/STRESS SHOPPING.
-Be more assertive with setting boundaries with those I love. Being able to say "NO" when I can't do something without guilt. Taking better care of myself.
-Eating better. Been slowly cutting out the junk food, keep on this path. If weight loss happens, then it happens. I just want to feel better and have a good energy level.
So while I am SO SO ready for 2010 to go away, I am trying to remain thankful for the good things that happened too.
My main goals for 2011 are:
- Get in better financial shape. I did a whole lot of stress shopping this year, and it's time to pay off those credit cards and save an emergency fund once and for all. I've already got a good start on this, as I've sold 95% of my "luxury" items (jewelry, bags etc) to pay off some of this debt. Hopefully the tax refund will help with this also. NO BOREDOM/STRESS SHOPPING.
-Be more assertive with setting boundaries with those I love. Being able to say "NO" when I can't do something without guilt. Taking better care of myself.
-Eating better. Been slowly cutting out the junk food, keep on this path. If weight loss happens, then it happens. I just want to feel better and have a good energy level.
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