Well.

The VA is telling me my dad doesn't qualify for VA Nursing Home benefits. Am too mad to really break it down for you without lapsing into a profanity filled tirade.

So I applied for Medicaid. I sent the paperwork out today. I hope to God he's approved. If he's not then I am officially S. O. L. and I have no idea what to do next. Except call the VA back, rage, threaten legal action etc etc.

I'm starting to come out of a funk. I can admit now it was a really bad one. I wasn't suicidal, but I laid in bed just wishing I was dead on several occasions. Like, if a stray asteroid fell and wiped me out it would be no big deal for the world and a relief for me. I tried to minimize how awful I felt, as I didn't want anyone to worry and commit my depressed ass or anything, but I sat with my cell phone in my hand for half an hour the other day debating calling the doctor for a SOS mission. I pulled it together ok.

This is the worst bout of depression I have had in a while. This time of year is always bad for me. I had lots of trauma around Christmas (lol) in the past, my mom is about to lose her house and is still devastated by the loss of my Uncle, the Dad stress, and Dave and I have had minor financial problems of our own. I basically backed off of talking to anyone, and no one really seemed to notice or be concerned (except my mom, who knows what it means when she doesn't hear a peep from me). All of this together had me feel worse about myself. I don't ever call anyone to cry/complain, it's just not my style. Typically my cure is to go to the beach for the weekend, but there is no money for that. I also am feeling completely "Mommied Out" and desperately want a vacation from stepparenthood, which won't be coming any time soon, as their mom is still as crazy as ever, and my mom basically admitted the other day she's not going to take them overnight anymore because they are too difficult for her to handle, and they always break something at her house (I guess it happened more than she let me know, as she didn't want me to "feel bad.").

Today I feel exhausted and blase, not completely hopeless. Monday was really bad. I cried at work. I went in the bathroom stall and cried for like 10 minutes. Fortunately no one walked in to see it at the time, and I managed to pull it together.

I'm still kind of feeling sorry for myself. I've been reading Dalai Lama books and "fluff" fiction, as it takes my mind off of it.

My biggest complaint is that I have zero concentration. Even doing things I like. I am just all over the place, and flaky, which is not my M.O.

I'm going to work really hard on getting better. If I have to take off to the beach by myself to snap out of it, I will.

Le sigh.

To make a really long story short, my dad's medical costs have eaten up all of his money. He started out with $250K, he wanted to go to the VA nursing home and leave the money to me. I refused. It wasn't my money! I have my whole life to earn money. Yes, it would have been nice, but I didn't feel right about it. My mom thinks he was going to off himself, and not go to the VA.

It was important to me that he be in the best place possible when he was still "with it." Obviously, the dementia had started, but he could talk, joke, move around. Now he's essentially like an infant, cooing different sounds and just shitting and pissing himself. I hope someone shoots me if I end up like him and my grandma (his mom) who was the same way.

Anyway, 5 years later, here we are. Out of money. I had two options: Apply for Medicaid or let the VA care for him.

I got the Medicaid process started, and realized in a hurry that I don't have even close to the 5 years of documentation they need, including his birth certificate, and info on his cars that he sold just before I went to Florida and got him in June 2005.

I cried, and stressed, and whatnot about it.

Now I've decided to just let go of it. I contacted the VA social worker, and I was incorrect in assuming he would end up at the state home in the Dalles, OR. I will have a choice in private nursing homes for him. His social security and soldiers pension will go towards his care, and his VA benefits will pick up the rest (he's service connected).

Thank goodness he served in the Navy.

I know this really will be the end for him, as I know the reason he's still alive is due to the extreme amount of care he's been getting. Caregivers sit with him for hours to get him to drink things.

This won't happen in the VA.

And I'm really okay with that.

Which sounds shitty, but at this point the lights are on but noone's home, and I know he'd want to be dead anyway.

I was stressing out about how to tell the current home he was leaving, and then after losing much sleep over it realized I was worrying about being judged. Since when did I worry about being judged?? I tend to not give a shit. So I thought.

But when I really think about it, in the course of my life, all I wanted to do was do right by my dad. When he hadn't really earned it. (For those of you not in the know, he bailed wholeheartedly when I was 11 - on Christmas Eve came home with a U-haul after being missing for 6 weeks. This is one of the reasons I hate or am at least blah on Christmas.) Yet, I always, always valued his opinion the most, always wanted HIS love the most.

Why????

I'm sure those of you with psychology persuasions will have field day with my Daddy issues. Basically I think I've just always tried to please him to fill that hole in my heart that can't really be filled by doing this. I hope to help my stepkids avoid this similar fate when it comes to their mom, but they will have to be repeatedly hurt by her in a similar manner, and all I can do it hug them and love them through it.

I've done all I can for him. When his mind was semi-there he was in the best place money could buy. I fielded his paranoid 4am phone calls, fought numerous battles with medical insurance, banks, etc to handle his affairs. Because he's my dad and he needed someone to help him. Because he's my dad and I love him, despite the fact that he had no business being a parent.

I think I can step back and be okay with it. The guilt button in me says I'm sentencing him to a death sentence. The other part of me feels like he's already gone, and I'm just letting the natural course happen. This will be my mantra for the next few weeks.

medicaid.

If anyone knows how in the hell to help me apply for Medicaid for my dad, help!!! LMAO

I'm a bit overwhelmed with it right now.

Thanks!

Been a while.

Boring updatey-blog, cause I just feel like it's time for a download.

Winter has officially hit the Couv. Dave scraped my windows for me this morning.

First, amazingly enough, Dad is still with us. I actually had an interaction with him about a month ago, like, he tried to talk to me. He's doing *gasp* BETTER. I don't understand this. His stubbornness to go just keeps him hanging on. I've thought long and hard about what in the hell he might be waiting for and I can't just figure it out.

My job is insanity. Like, I want to sit in the corner in a fetal position and cry when I come home insanity. At least I am employed, which is a lot more than a lot of people can say right now, so I should be thankful.

My parents are about to lose their home to forclosure. Stepdad is working but there are no sales in the car biz right now, and mom's hairstyling biz is doing ok but with beauty services being one of those optional things she isn't making money either. Plus, one of her full timers had to quit cause she had no clientel in this economy either.

I feel awful for them. She's trying to remain positive but I sense she's on the verge of tears constantly. I can't help them in any financial way, except perhaps help them with deposits/moving costs when the time comes for them to move out - which I am assuming will be soon, as a payment hasn't been made in 5 months on the house.

I'm having my typical "change in the weather" funk going on, topped off with feeling icky a lot of the time - Dave and I both have some stupid bug we can't manage to completely kick. I slept most of yesterday and feel a little better, but could lie down and sleep right now if I could.

Halloween was fun - Deanna and I took the kids and her kid out Trick or Treating and Dave stayed back with Mark in their haunted house and scared the crap out of people.

Thanksgiving is coming soon. I'm hosting this year - the 'Rents and Dana and her daughter. Invited a couple more but haven't heard. I need to get in the spirit of things.

I am basically done Christmas Shopping. I am done for the kids. Dave and I haven't decided if we are actually going to buy for each other or not. Last year we just donated to charity in each other's name and that was pretty cool.

Things have been very quiet on the legal/Cow front. Waiting for that chaos to start again.

I have a new obsession in "True Blood." I may have to break up with Edward Cullen for Eric Northman. Holy hell that man is amazingly gorgeous. I know, I sure get around, don't I?

Winter's birthday is on Thursday. She will be 8. That's insane. I've known her since she was 3. I've known her for well over most of her life. When Jori turns 11 I will have known him over half of his life. Both kids have had behavioural challenges lately, but been very loving and affectionate to me. I am thankful that Cow can't destroy this, at least. J asked the other day if Bi-polar was genetic. Dave reassured him that there was no reason to think he would grow up and be sick like his mother.

More Old Poetry 12-10-04

In my dreams

He comes to me like a thief

In the night

Touching me with heavy hands

And soft words

Polishing my porcelain skin

Making me Shine

I still don't understand

Why

Sultry and wistful

Sensual and salacious

Loaded and forbidden

If he only knew...

Under Him

My Life could be over

No matter how hard I try

I can't cleanse him from my mind

Old Poetry Rediscovered 12-29-04

"Enigma"

Somewhere
across the miles
there's a man
whose face I keep in frames
but only in my mind
hidden where I have
all the gifts I thought of giving
and the words
I never could choke out

I've never touched him
but he makes me feel
like an awkward child
in perpetual adolescence
our minds connect
and we are amplified
louder
in color
while the rest are in
black and white

I've never been so scared
as I wondered
if he was silently
watching me
through a sea of faces
in a place far from home
And yes, I want to go with him
but the promise of pleasure
doubles the price of pain
you leave at Home

we are like stunted seeds
born without a chance
guaranteed to blossom
in the right garden
that we do not dare explore

I think this is it.

I went in and leaned down he made eye contact. When I held his hand he held it back, not sure if it was instinct or recognition, but it caused me to lose it.

Bawled for about 10 minutes.

Told him I loved him, he’d been a good daddy, that I understood he needed to go soon and that I was ok and he would feel better soon. For whatever that’s worth.

He’s thinner, which I know seems impossible. His skin is yellow, clammy, hot. There’s no way he can make it out of this, in my mind. This is round 2 with pneumonia.

Not a peep out of him, except for one half-assed cough. Sitting there with his head to the side, nodding off.

And so it goes.

I feel like the one who's dying. I thought I was at peace with all of this, but obviously I am not.