R.I.P.

R. I. P. Isabelle Caro - another victim of anorexia.

She did a ton to try to help other people.

So sad.

Year end wrap up.

This year has been a very active one. Some crazy things have happened: losing Dad (although the dementia took him a long time ago, I guess), my stepson's hospitalization, financial worries, a cancer scare with my mother. There are some things to be grateful for also: Dad BEAT dementia! He was set free from the prison of his mind and body slowly failing. I was fortunate enough to have a job change, which was a huge positivity in my life. And hubby and I are closer than ever after weathering so many crisis situations in the past year. I took up knitting, which is like psychotherapy but a lot cheaper and WAY more fun. And of course there was the arrival of my furbaby, love of my life, Madison, who is like my heart walking around outside my body.

So while I am SO SO ready for 2010 to go away, I am trying to remain thankful for the good things that happened too.

My main goals for 2011 are:

- Get in better financial shape. I did a whole lot of stress shopping this year, and it's time to pay off those credit cards and save an emergency fund once and for all. I've already got a good start on this, as I've sold 95% of my "luxury" items (jewelry, bags etc) to pay off some of this debt. Hopefully the tax refund will help with this also. NO BOREDOM/STRESS SHOPPING.

-Be more assertive with setting boundaries with those I love. Being able to say "NO" when I can't do something without guilt. Taking better care of myself.

-Eating better. Been slowly cutting out the junk food, keep on this path. If weight loss happens, then it happens. I just want to feel better and have a good energy level.

Getting in the spirit.

Starting to get in the spirit of the Holiday, which is good because it's only a couple of days away.

I'm knitting my last project that is a gift, and I should finish it tonight. I keep debating whether I want to make spritz cookies this year (it's an annual decision) because almost everyone I know is dieting, including my parents. So no one will really eat them, and I can't eat them all. Maybe I'll make one batch for us, because they are so good.

Missing dad at strange moments - not so much strange, now that I think about it, but random moments. Last night we were watching the Tom Jones Christmas special (an annual tradition now - yay! LOL) and my eyes were leaky at "I'll Be Home For Christmas." I miss him in a visceral way that I didn't really expect. It's been 6 months now, but this pops up occasionally.

Hubby is done with school until Spring - thank God - it seems to have helped his mood a lot. Things with he and I have been really good lately, he's been super helpful around the house and I feel less stressed out as a result. I've had some medical issues going on (still not quite pinpointed) and have been able to do less than I would like. Having help helps my mindset. Still waiting for an appointment (referral supposedly coming) from the rheumatologist, who should hopefully get me an accurate diagnosis.

My mom and stepdad are coming over for Christmas Eve. Last year we went low key and just made a bunch of snacks/appetizers and we enjoyed it so much we are going that route again this year. Christmas Eve is typically the big 'event' more than Christmas Day, as that's when presents are opened (stockings on Christmas Day).

Work is still going great - I am so thankful to have a bit of flexibility in my schedule for when I don't feel good, and a much lower stress level.

I've started knitting a purse/tote, its my first foray into knitting in the round. It took me a few tries to start it, but now I'm cooking on it. I decided it's time for me to branch out and try some new things. I won't let my perfectionistic attitude stop me from trying to knit different things. It's a mental block I've had since I was a kid - I came from two demanding, perfectionistic parents - where 2nd place was losing. I continually work on being more kind to myself and allowing myself to fail with a smile, and keep trying.

Closer...

Things are getting closer to being not so stressful.

Despite several setbacks, Family Court went hubby's way yesterday. The current visitation schedule for the kids biomom (8 hours twice a month) held. Thank you God!!! They played dirty, real dirty, but fortunately the judge saw the truth in it all.

I'm getting closer to an official diagnosis of why the hell I hurt/ache every day of my life. The allergist ran a bunch of bloodwork to rule out Celiac's (my grandma had it) and rheumatoid arthritis (mom has it). He did so, but my internist (primary care) said not so fast on the RA. I have some high inflammation somewhere in my body according to bloodwork, so he is referring me to a rhreumatologist to rule out RA and some other scary things. When that's done, then it's "just" the fibromyalgia. He wants to make sure that there isn't something else masquerading as fibro in there.

Also wants me to do a sleep study, as apparently sleep apnea can cause some of the issues I'm having. He also redid the bloodwork to see how the inflammation looks now vs. last week.

Trying not to freak out with all of these scary disease labels being thrown around, and just chill until all the tests are done, but it's kind of hard. I am not interested in whatever "label" they want to attach, I just want to feel better.

Honored.

Yesterday I received a huge honor.

I have a friend, who I met on the internet a year or so ago, and we've become really close emotionally. She lives in Colorado Springs, and we haven't hung in person yet, but have plans to do so in March in Las Vegas (paaaartay!). One of the things we have in common is our huge love for animals.

She has been kicking around starting a non-profit to help pay for pets medical expenses when their moms/dads can't afford it. In her case, one of her beloved dogs had cancer. She was lucky enough that she had the funds for his treatment, and she's had 2 more years (so far) with her furbaby.

So she is getting ready to file the paperwork for her nonprofit, called "2 More Years" and she did me the honor of asking me if I'd be on her Board of Directors today. I of course accepted, and was honored to do so.

This meant to much to me, her trust in me, and our friendship. And when I felt all teary about it, I also noticed when I was knitting quietly lately, I felt a sense of triumph - the geeky nerd from my youth and the outcast of my teenage angst years was accepted by "the cool kid." (My friend is funny, smart etc. - and happens to be supermodel-level thin and gorgeous...)

Odd feeling, and I guess what I'm saying is I didn't realize how much my self esteem still needs improvement and how important it is for me to feel like I belong somewhere. I guess I still feel like the outsider, when it comes to my insides. Not sure how to fix it, but you can bet I'm going to keep trying.

I went to the doctor yesterday, an allergist/immunologist this time. We are still trying to pinpoint the causes of my constant fatigue and aches and basically daily headaches. Blood was taken to check for Crohn's and for rheumatoid arthiritis. I'm worried something will come back as positive, but almost hoping something will come back as I'm so sick to death of feeling exhausted and sore every day of my life and having no real explanation. When lifting your coffee mug literally hurts and tires you out there is a problem. Fibromyalgia has been thrown around in the past, but there's really no "test" for it other than a list of symptoms. Hell, I don't know. I just want to feel better, and not have them all think I'm a hypochondriac.